Sins Of Our Parents - Their Choices

Hi Mom. It‘s me again.

It has been a very, very long time since I wrote to you. Life has gotten in the way I suppose and I have not felt the need as I have in the past.

My youngest daughter is getting ready for her wedding. You would be proud of her if you could only meet her. I know I am. I just wanted to take a moment to let you know a few things that have been going on in her life the past few years and to bring to your attention a couple of things that I have been on my mind.

My daughter calls me several times a week. We talk about what she has been doing, the weather, ongoing education, family, all the normal stuff people talk about. But we also talk about feelings, choices and the future. We talk about things most adult children will not discuss with their parents. Our relationship has had ups and downs, ins and outs but it is still growing. I am not always sure I give the correct advice when she seeks it. With all my years of experience, I still am insecure about most things. My efforts with her are always appreciated whether she takes the advice or not. She at least has had the opportunity to discuss things with someone who loves her, respects her and has her best interest in mind. I believe we have a really good relationship.

My daughter and her companion both have gone to college, gotten degrees and now work two jobs each. They started dating almost seven years ago. They now have the most beautiful two year old daughter. She has great big brown/green eyes and curly dark brown hair. Her compassion surpasses anything I have ever seen in a toddler. Dad always told me how much you loved babies. You would adore this little girl. Although my daughter and her companion work as much as they do, they still have arranged their schedules so that one of them is with the baby at all times.

They are including me in the plans for the wedding as much as is possible for me to do, but I cannot help them physically or financially the way I would like and it hurts. Those feelings cause my memories to go into overdrive. I have had to fight most of my life for needs, let alone the smallest of pleasures. The battles have been worth every moment. To be allowed to see the changes in my babies’ lives is such a wonderful gift. My daughter  feels the same way about her daughter. Every moment with her is precious.

The wedding is going to be simple but elegant. The place where they are going to have it is, by far, not traditional, but neither of them are traditional, at least in the way that  society views tradition. They both still honor their parents, are giving, compassionate and believe in working to support themselves. The place incorporates the passion in their own lives as well as serving the expectations of extended family. It is important to them to have family there, to have friends there, to have people around them that love them.

Please forgive me for changing the subject slightly but there are a couple of things that have been eating at me just a little while I observe all the preparations for my daughter’s wedding. It has been 48 years since I last saw you. Since then, I finished school, was married, albeit three times and all three unsuccessful, have born two beautiful daughters, had a great career, become disabled and am now the grandmother of three wonderful children, all under ten years old. Where were you during all this time? Given a choice, I would not miss any part of the lives of either of my children or grandchildren. There have been times that circumstances were so hard, I thought it might be better if I were not in my children’s lives. An hour, a day, a week, sometimes for weeks they would continue but they always passed. It is impossible for me to conceive that, by choice, you did not stay to see the changes in my life or the lives of your other children. I realize your life was extremely hard, full of all types of ugly things that humans can place upon another. I know you were in pain, you were lonely and even though you had a mother, sisters and a house full of children, you felt alone. I have known unbelievable pain, loneliness, torture and hard work. Your demons must have been horrible. I am so sorry you felt you had to fight them alone.

It took less than five minutes from the moment of your decision to the point of no return. Less than five minutes to throw away the opportunities that I now embrace; my children, their children, the accomplishments they have achieved, the mistakes they made, the tears, the smiles, all the small moments. Five minutes from the time you pulled the trigger to your last breath. If you had it to do over, would you make the same choice? I have had that choice laid at my door on several occasions in my life. I have been tempted, so close to the same choice you made but I have always been able to bring the faces of my children to mind. The thought that they would go through life without a mom was more than I could bear. I have not been the best mom, provider, friend, companion, teacher that I should or could have been. But I have always been there for them when they needed me. I have felt the aloneness of not being able to reach out to you. As the old saying goes, ‘I cannot cast stones.’ Whatever afterlife there may be, I pray you have peace. Know that there has not been a day that has passed that I have not thought of you, loved you, missed you. Each day, with each thought of you, I do forgive you. I now have to learn to forgive myself. I wish you could tell me your thoughts about that.

I love you Mom.
Til the next time,
Me