Wheel of Misfortune

Wheel of Misfortune



“Am I dead?” I was sitting in a black leather chair reclined all the way back, a bright light shining in my eyes.

“This one’s going to be a winner, am I right girls?” There was a chorus of female laughter all around me; I looked over to see an overweight man sitting in another chair right beside me except he was sitting up. He was wearing a blue suit that looked like cashmere, his face and hands were orange from a bad tan, and the brown toupee he was wearing didn’t match the grey on the sides of his head. He turned and smiled at me, and I swear his teeth did that twinkling thing that you only see on TV, “Hi, Jack Michaels!” He reached a hand out to me then seemed to think better of it. I tried to sit up, and realized that my hands and feet were strapped to the chair. “Don’t get up on my account.” The girls started their chorus of laughter again.

“What happened to me?”

“Heart attack, you’d be surprised how many people show up here with that. You people and your red meat. Where are my manners, David these three here doing my make-up are my Furies. Alec will get your hair, Meg your powder, and Alex will get your nails.” I screamed out as a short brunette about fifty pounds overweight ripped out my fingernail. “Sorry Dave she’s new.”

The girls started laughing again, and just for a second there bodies seemed to flicker, showing me wings and a canine body. I shuddered, “What the Hell?”

“NO!” Jack glared at me with fire in his eyes, then seemed to calm, “Purgatory, not Hell, big difference, as you can see we’re just reopening.” He gestured around him and I could see what looked like a TV show set being built around me. “In fact you’re our first contestant.”

“What do you mean contestant?”

“I’ll give it to you straight,” Jack reached over and started undoing the straps holding my feet, while a nice looking blonde powdered his face, he shooed her and the rest of the girls away, “Hell is full. There I said it, there’s no good people left in the world. We’ve started to forgive the little sins, and if this keeps up we’re going to have pedophiles going to heaven by January.”

. “So Dave, we took a cue from everybody on Earth, Reality TV seems to be quite popular right now, as if such a thing could ever be real, but I digress, you will compete for a spot in Heaven against two other players. Oh look at the time we need to get started.” All of a sudden a podium appeared in front of him, “Welcome ladies and gentleman to the inaugural episode of Wheel of Misfortune. Welcome our contestants Dave Jenson from Michigan died of a heart attack. Jane Krueger, car accident.” A light appeared over a woman in the corner she had cuts all over her face and her guts spilled out onto the floor from a hole in her stomach. “Jason Alvarez, terrible accident with a circular saw.” The light came on in the other corner showing a man with his head only connected by a small piece of skin, it kept flopping to the left and blood spurted out. “Now without further ado, let’s start our game.”

“Our first game is called See no evil, we will release twenty crows and they will decide the punishment for your first sin.”

“Jason you won the coin toss so you get to go first, your first sin.” Jack pulled a card from his back pocket. “You heard a man plan to kill his wife and did nothing about it.” He shook his head, “Tsk tsk tsk! Crows!”

The crows dived at Jason ripping and gouging his ears out, even after the head ripped the rest of the way off, until all that was left was two bloody holes. Jason walked over and picked up his head cradling it in his arms.

“Dave, you’re next, you have taken the Lord’s name in vain.”

I smiled nervously, “That’s not that bad of a sin.”

“Are you kidding? Crows!”

The crows swooped down forcing their beaks and claws into my mouth, I could taste blood, they grabbed a hold of my tongue and I felt a ripping sensation, and they took it with them as they flew off. Blood kept pouring out of my mouth.

“Jane’s up!” He pulled the last card out of his pocket. “Jane likes to watch her husband have sex with other women! Crows!”

The crows swooped down and clawed at her eyes, until I could see them pop and puss drained down her face, Jane screamed and fell to the floor. The crows stayed on her pecking at her face.

Jack smiled, “Sorry Jane, looks like eternal damnation for you. That leaves us with two contestants for the wheel.”

A wheel appeared behind Jack, “Jason you spin first since Dave can’t argue, “He laughed at his own little joke. There were only two things written on the wheel over and over again, eternal salvation, and eternal damnation.

Jason spun the wheel, it made three trips around and landed on eternal damnation, his feet began to smoke, I could see tears coming out of his decapitated head and then his whole body caught on fire and burned up.

Dave smiled at me and patted me on the back, “Looks like you’ll be going to Heaven.”

I started to glow and I could feel my whole body being lifted up. The next thing I knew I was surrounded by clouds, and there were beautiful people with wings all around me, just as I pictured Heaven in my dreams. Then all the angels circled around me, like a pack of wolves, they smiled and their mouths were full of razor sharp teeth. As they closed in I couldn’t even scream.