The Space Between

As I sauntered down the trail, I paused to take a moment and glance around at my surroundings. The trees lined the pebbled path with vibrant hues of red, orange, and gold. I inhaled a deep breathe and released it slowly. The wind fused with my breath as it tousled the loose debris through the air, as if to join in my sigh for simpler times. A chill set in the air, and I stopped to pull my sweater out of my bag. As I layed my bag on the ground to unzip it, I lost my footing and collapsed, my hands positioned infront of me to break my fall just in time. I stood up and brushed myself off a bit, gave myself a quick once over to see if I had any cuts that needed tending to, and then attempted once again to grab my sweater. As I put it on, I muttered to myself... "Idiot!"

I began walking again. As I walked, I started to reflect back on the past year. A feeling of hopelessness overpowered my mind, and in an instant, I felt the effects on my body. A physical pain emanated from my chest and spread like a disease to every extremity. The tears rose up my throat like a fire and made their way to my eyes, where they fell in a torrential downpour. I was shaken to the core.

“I just want to know why... “ I cried.

“What made you think I was strong enough to handle this??”

I tried to calm myself down and wipe the tears from my face. But, it seemed as though the harder I tried, the worse it was. Every memory replayed in my mind like a broken record. From our first introduction to our last kiss good-bye. My eyes burned. I needed to sit down for a minute and gather my thoughts. I walked for a bit longer until I found a large dead oak tree which had fallen to the ground.

"Symbolic perfection..." I thought to myself.

I dropped my bag and took a seat on the trunk.

Slow, deep breaths. I could feel my heart rate slowing down. Along with it, a sense of stillness. This is what I came here for... no matter how hard it will be, I need to do this for myself. Yes, it will be scary, but I have to continue on.

A voice familiar to my head resonated in my soul. "You can do this. It's time."

I reached into my bag and grabbed a water and a cigarette. "Just one", I thought. "Then I'll start walking again". I took a long sip from the water bottle and then lit my cigarette with a sense of accomplishment. I had just had a minor breakdown and it had passed. I deserved this 'treat'.

The first drag felt just like seeing a good friend from the past- delightful! It had only been 6 months since I had quit, yet it felt like a lifetime. I made the promise to quit, and I followed through with that promise. It was one I intended to keep. But today, I brought two cigarettes with me. One for just such a case as this breakdown, and one for the end of my journey. I was okay with it, and I knew he would be too.

It was time to get moving if I planned on reaching my final destination before the sun set. I put out my cigarette, took one more drink of water, and put the bottle back into my bag. I inhaled deeply as I stood up and started walking again. Not too much further to go. Maybe another hour or so. Compared to a lifetime, what's another hour? Now, if you could get that one hour back so you could spend it with someone you loved... well, another hour would be priceless.

___________________________________

It was a warm, spring, Saturday afternoon. I had been working in my garden planting annuals around the mailbox. It wasn't much of a place, but I was happy to call it home. I quite enjoyed being able to put my personal touch to the place. I had only owned it for 2 months, but it was all mine.

I faintly heard the ringing of my telephone and I ran in to the house to answer it. Out of breath, I could barely push out the word "Hello". Charlie was on the other end.

"What project ya workin' on?" she said.

"Just planting flowers. What about you?"

"Not working on anything. Taking a break from work. Rob and I were talking, and we thought about going to the bar tonight for some drinks. Why don't you come with us?"

"Thanks for the invite, but I think I'll sit this one out."

"Actually, no is not an option. You're coming with us, and we'll be there to pick you up at 5."

"There's no arguing, is there?"

"Nope."

"I'll be waiting."

Charlie and I had been friends since grade school. I was lucky to have a friend like her still in my life. We had been through so much together... first boyfriends, first heartbreaks, college apartments, first jobs, marriages, children, divorce, the deaths of our parents. You name it, we had done it... together. We were partner's in crime.

I knew she was up to no good, but I was willing to play along. An evening out with friends would probably be good for me. I hadn't been out in months, other than to do the every day things such as work, grocery shopping, and the occasional walk. I finished planting my flowers and went inside to rest for a while before the evening festivities, whatever they may be. Knowing Charlie, any number of things could occur. I began to feel a slight tinge of curiosity growing inside of me at the anticipation of what was to come.

I had only lied down to rest my eyes for a few moments... somehow that turned in to a pleasant nap. I sluggishly let myself stir. As I rolled over to finally get up I noticed the time and suddenly felt tense. It was ten past four and I was nowhere near being ready. I rushed to the shower to turn it on and along the way tripped over my shoes I had carelessly tossed in the middle of the floor the day before. Thankfully, I didn't tumble to the floor, so I kept moving to the shower.

An hour later, I was ready to go. I wasn't feeling extremely confidant in myself at this point, but it would have to do. It was just a night out with friends, anyway. They didn't care how I looked. I heard the beep of the horn, and with that, I grabbed my purse and walked out the door... a slight grin on my face. Once I got into the car and shut the door, I asked "So, where are we going?"

"We thought we'd go up to Brax Bar. Relax, it'll be fun".

"I am relaxed, Charlie... Hi, Rob. How are ya? What is this woman of yours up to?"

"Oh... I am doin' alright. You know Charlie- she doesn't tell me anything. Guess we'll find out soon enough".

We arrived at the bar. There weren't that many people there on a for a Saturday, which was perfectly fine with me. Less noise made it easier to talk and less likely for me to develop a headache. We sat at a table and the waitress came around to take our orders. She reminded me of myself in college. Happy, big smile, petite frame, not an ounce of fat on her body. When she was finished, she bounced off as if she truly enjoyed her job. For a short moment, I found myself missing those days.

Rob, Charlie, and I carried on with our conversation, catching up on recent events in our lives. I took advantage of a slight pause in the conversation and excused myself to the restroom. As I made my way to the front of the bar, I was passing by the entrance when a man opened the door and walked in, breaking my stride. Startled, I smiled and stuttered "Sorry". He paused, smiled, and then continued in to the bar area. Slightly flustered, I continued on my way.

Before I finished in the restroom, I made an effort to check my make-up and fix my hair. "What are you doing?" I murmured. He was probably there to meet someone- a wife, girlfriend, maybe a first date. Yet still, I couldn't help wondering who he was. He seemed to have a gentle manner about him. I was instantly drawn to him, and I I felt myself wanting to know who he was. I made up my mind that when I walked out, I would take a quick inconspicuous look around the bar to see where he was and who he was with. Then I would walk back to the table. On the off chance he wasn't with anyone, maybe I would be able to muster up enough courage to talk to him. I took a deep breath and opened the door.

I looked but didn't see him. It was possible that he was there to pick up take-out and had already left. Well, it was a nice thought. Feeling a tad discouraged I made my way back to the table and as I approached, I looked up and for a brief second, chills raced up my arms and back down my spine. There he sat, at the table with Rob and Charlie.

"Compose yourself. Don't be an idiot."

I looked at Charlie with a 'what did you do' look on my face and she just smiled. The man rose from his seat to greet me. Before Rob or Charlie could introduce us, the man spoke...

"You must be Bailey. I've heard so many wonderful things about you from these two. I'm Jake. It's really nice to finally put a name to a face."

"Hi, Jake. It's a pleasure to meet you, as well."

His eyes were kind and his smile amazing. Within the first minute, I was captivated. Before we could continue on, Charlie spoke up.

"Jake is a friend of Rob's from work. He moved here about 6 months ago from Connecticut- work transfer."

"How do you like it here so far, Jake?" I asked.

"It's shaping up to be a pretty great city to live in. The people are friendly and there's so much to do and see."

"More than Connecticut? I've never been there, but I hear it's absolutely gorgeous."

"Don't get me wrong. I love it there. I needed a change, though. I spent my entire life in Connecticut and I needed to branch out a bit. I knew I wanted to stay on the east coast to be somewhat close to my family, but I hadn't decided on any place in particular. Then the opportunity to move presented itself at work, and I jumped on it. Now, here I am in Boston. I just happened to be in the right place at the right time, I guess."

"Lucky you."

"Yes, it's looking that way... lucky me."

____________________________

That day was the best day of my life. Up until that moment in time, I never believed in the fairytale of "soul mates" or "the one". I do know now... I had experienced it first hand. For that, I will always be grateful.

Just thinking about it made me smile. Although it was bitter sweet, it was still sweet. How could I not smile at the thought of Jake? That would be doing him a huge disservice in my eyes, as well as my heart. Now, here I am, walking this trail, memories flooding my mind like they were happening at this very moment, for the first time.

I could feel my stomach gurgle so I decided to grab the bag of pretzels I had brought. I truly did not think I would be hungry today, but had brought a snack just in case. I continued down the path, very aware of my surroundings, watching the trees closely as I passed them by. Just then, I saw it in the distance. the spot where he had proposed. We marked it in the same cheesy way that so many other young lovers had professed their love to the world... by carving our initials in the beautifully majestic oak. We wanted to remember that moment forever. No, we didn't have to desecrate a tree to help us remember, but I think it was more about the symbolism behind it. And, the fact that any time we walked down the path, we would know the exact spot. It was still here, 10 years later.

Jake was such a romantic. Somehow he knew this would be the perfect place. He always had a knack for "too much perfection", which in all reality, was never too much. Sure, we had our problems as every couple does. Yet, even during those moments of unhappiness, it was still... "too much perfection". We had an intimate bond that kept us mentally, emotionally, and physically satisfied by only each other. Best friend, cheerleader, lover, rock... we were everything... together.

I approached the tree and gently rubbed my hand over our initials. I felt a surge of angst rush through me and I started to cry again. These days, it seemed as if I never stopped crying. I could feel myself hoping he would come around the bend ahead of me. I watched in the distance for a few brief seconds, almost pleading inside (with whom I don't know) that any second he would be there. But, in my heart, I knew it wasn't going to happen and I had to accept it.

"I know I have to stop lingering in the past, but I can't bring myself to walk away just yet. I'm not ready."
________________________

"I have the perfect place for us to walk today. A friend of mine told me about this park, and I think we should go check it out. He said there's a really nice path to hike that opens up at the end to a big clearing where we can maybe have a picnic. What do you think?"

"Jake, I'm tired. Can't we just stay in and relax today. Maybe make some popcorn, watch a few movies, cuddle on the couch?"

"Bai... it's gorgeous outside! Let's enjoy it! There's plenty of time for cuddling later. Come on... get your cute little butt into some comfy clothes, wear your comfy shoes, and let's get a move on. Time's a wastin'! Oh, and grab the camera, just in case. We might see some pretty trees or flowers or something we can take pics of."

"Alright, fine. Give me a few minutes. I'll meet you out by the car."

I didn't really feel up to a hike, but Jake wasn't one for taking no for an answer. If he had his mind set on something, it wasn't going to leave until he did it. I didn't feel up to fighting him over this even more than I didn't feel up to hiking, so I got ready to go. I heard him calling my name, so I finished up and started for the door.

"Shit, almost forgot the camera. God forbid..."

I went back to grab it, a bit miffed that I had to bring it with to somewhere I didn't want to go. Jake could sense my aggravation, and put his arm around me as we walked to the car.

"Once we get there, babe, you'll feel better. Trust me!"

With that, he opened my door, kissed me on the cheek, and then shut the door after I was seated. We were driving and I suddenly realized I hadn't packed us anything to eat or drink.

"I didn't..."

"I took care of it."

"Did you pack..."

"Yes, waters and some wine and plastic wine glasses".

"Wow!"

"Yep, I packed everything while you were getting ready. Did YOU..."

"Yes, Jake. I got the camera."

With that, we just smiled and the smiles did not stop until we reached the park. I got out of the car and took a moment to look around. It really WAS a beautiful place and I could already feel myself starting to relax. Jake grabbed the bag he brought out of the trunk and pointed to where the path started, and we headed off in that direction.

"Should I take the camera out now, or wait until we see a pretty flower?" I joked.

"Ok, smart ass. Take it out whenever the moment strikes you. If I see something I like, I'll let you know."

We walked for quite a while, talked about our day, discussed what time we would leave to meet Charlie and Rob for dinner later that evening, and various other things that come up in the course of a conversation. Jake stopped in his tracks, put his hands on his waist, and started looking up towards the sky. I followed his gaze upwards and wondered what he was looking at. All I saw were a bunch of leaves on the overgrown trees and the sun poking through certain spots the leaves did not cover. They were pretty, but did not warrant any sort of special attention, as far as I could see.

We were standing next to a very large, very dead oak tree. I bent down to run my fingers across the bark. I found an odd beauty in the tree, and as I touched the bark, I imagined the history the tree must have held. I was startled when Jake grabbed my hand. We stood silently together for a bit longer and then he started to speak.

"Bailey... I love you. From the moment we met, I have loved you. When I am with you, I am home. I couldn't imagine spending the rest of my life without you. Every day, you amaze me with your beauty, wit, intelligence, kindness, and free spirit. The love you have given me is life altering and I feel blessed that YOU love ME. Please do me the honor of marrying me and spending the rest of our lives together?"

I looked at him, and without hesitation, answered.

"In my heart, I am already married to you. When I am with you, you are also my home. Every day, you amaze me with your strength, courage, intelligence, and honesty. Your soul is my soul, and I feel blessed that YOU love ME. I would love to make official to our family and friends that it is and will always be you."

It was then that I noticed the ring in his hand. True to form, Jake had picked the perfect ring. He slowly placed it on my finger, his hands trembling. We hugged, kissed, and cried in joy. Jake grabbed a pocket knife out of his back pocket and started carving our intials into the dead tree laying next to us. "To mark the occasion in time", he had said.

After he finished his masterpiece, Jake said to me...

"Bai... you can take out the camera now. I see something I like. My ring on your finger."

______________________

I still have the ring. Such a beautiful ring, simple and elegant... an antique. Jake new how I loved antiques. Quite often, he would help me restore furniture that I had picked up at estate sales. We always had a lot of fun working on projects together. Once in a while, he would come home with a piece he had found that he would say reminded him of me. Only once had he told me the story of how he "came across" my ring, how he knew when he saw it that it was meant for me, and how he was certain at that moment he had to marry me. I remember every detail and I love the story.

Jake always took the same route to work every day. But, on this particular day, for some unknown reason, he veered away from his normal route. He knew the other road lead to the same destination and was curious what was in between where he was and the end of that old worn out road. So, at last minute, he turned onto the road and continued driving. He had been driving for about 20 minutes or so when he came upon a house in the middle of nowhere that had a sign next to a long driveway that simply said: ANTIQUES FOR SALE. He was intrigued and decided he would stop by on his way home from work. At the end of the day, he headed back to the house, excited at what treasures he may find. When he walked into the house, a small chime sounded and a woman walked out into the entry way to greet him.

"Can I help you?"

"Hi, I saw your sign and thought I would stop. What kind of antiques are you selling?"

"I'll take you back and you can have a look-see for yourself", and with that, she turned and walked back in the direction she had come from. She lead him to an open room in the back of the house where he saw a number of very beautiful pieces.

"I'll give you a little while to take a look around. There's a table in the back that has various other small items on it. Some jewelry and such. Just yell if you need any help."

"Ok, Thanks"

Jake walked around checking out the furniture. Small tables with intricate detail, rocking chairs, clocks, etc. Some of them he gave more of a slight glance at and others hardly at all. When he reached the back of the room, he skimmed over the table with the jewelry on it. As he did so, he came across a ring he said he couldn't take his eyes off of. Three petite marquise cut diamonds in the middle, three diamond baguettes channel set down each side, and the most beautiful band with a minor amount of vining detail down the sides. He bought it then and there, and on his way home started his plans for proposing. I never imagined if and/or when a man proposed to me, it would be so heartfelt and meaningful. But that was Jake in a simple word- heartfelt.

Such memories from our relationship felt bittersweet these days. I loved to think about them, but it hurt so much when I did. When would it stop hurting? That's one question I had found myself asking quite a bit lately.

I realized I had completely lost track of time. And unbeknownst to me I had already started walking again and moved on from "our" tree. I was close to the end of the trail and I could feel my heart speeding up. A ways down the path, I could see the top of the covered bridge. Just a little while longer and I would be there. I swallowed my breath and kept walking.

The trees started to become more sparse until I reached the point on the path where everything opened up to a large beautiful field. There were purple, red, pink, blue, orange, and yellow wildflowers and the most vibrant green foliage I had ever seen. The path was mostly covered by overgrowth, but I no longer needed to follow the path. I was there. I took some time to breathe deep and soak in the sun and smells of the field. The journey had been long and hard, but I was finally ready. At that very moment I felt calm and relaxed.

_________________________

The phone rang, and both of us froze. I grabbed Jake's hand as the other picked up the phone off of the counter. This was it. The call we had been agonizing over. Praying there would be good news on the other end.

"This is Jake... Hi. Okay, what time? Really? Well, we will leave in a few minutes. Sounds good, thanks."

"What did they say, Jake?"

"The doc wants us to come in to discuss the results. He wants us to come in now. Doesn't sound too good."

"Don't jump to conclusions, Jake. Let's just go and see what he has to say. Maybe he'll just tell you that your cholesterol is too high, or that you need to lose some weight or something. No big deal."

"I don't think so, Bailey. He sounded serious. Let's just get it over with."

We left for the office. The entire car ride was spent in silence. I was trying to be strong for Jake on the outside, but inside I was terrified. "Please Lord, don't do this. I need him to be okay." I just kept repeating it in my head. I had never been more scared in my life.

Jake checked in at the desk and then he sat down next to me. He grabbed my hand and smiled. I smiled back while holding back the tears. The nurse came opened the door and had us follow her back to the doctor's office. We sat down in the chairs across from the desk. The doctor sat on the other side. He waited for the nurse to shut the door before starting to talk.

"Jake, I'll get right to the point. Unfortunately, the tests and x-rays we took found something wrong. It's Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer."

My heart dropped and the tears poured out. Jake said nothing, but squeezed my hand tightly.

"There are a couple of different options we can have at this point, but the bottom line is it is up to you what you want to do. I will give you and Bailey all of the facts, and you can have some time to think it over. But, I don't want you to take too long. If you decide to, we would need to start treatment right away."

"If he 'decides to'??? Of course he's going to start treatment! Why would you even say that?!?!" I yelled.

"His cancer is in the last stage. We can certainly start fighting this, if you want to. I'm just not sure at this point that it will help any. It may prolong your life, Jake, but it isn't going to cure the cancer. I'm sorry."

"Okay, doc. Then let's hear everything you have for me and we'll just go from there."

While the doctor spoke, I felt myself falling into a sort of trance. How can this be? Why is this happening? What did I do wrong? What did Jake do wrong? We can fight this; the doctor is wrong and Jake is going to be cured. My thoughts consumed me and were all over the place. It took every bit of energy I had to not let myself start screaming at the doctor.

When the doctor finished, we told him we would take some time to think about everything and then let him know what we planned to do, and then we left his office. Jake held it together just long enough to make it to the car. He fell into my arms and holding me tight, he started to sob into my shoulder. Two basic options- fight like hell and maybe live another year at most, or chose to not fight and let it take it's course, and maybe live another couple of months. How do you make such a decision about your own life?

It was silent for a while on the ride home and then Jake said...

"I don't want to fight it Bai. I just don't have it in me. It's not going to cure it, and having the surgery could mean even more pain and suffering then either one of us can bare. I need you to be with me on this. It's my decision, and it's final."

"But Jake..."

"Bailey.... I know it will be hard for the both of us. But I want to die with dignity and in as little of pain as possible. We have a few months. Let's spend that time together enjoying life. That is how I want you to remember me. Please..."

I couldn't say a word.

_______________________

The covered bridge was just as I had remembered it to be. Worn down, pieces of the roof missing from storms of the past, paint chipping off the wooden boards. But yet, it was still beautiful. It needed to be photographed and put in a book... MY book, perhaps. I took my camera out of the bag and walked around to find the perfect position to stand in so that I could capture it's beauty and mystique.

Standing along the edge of the river bank, I found my spot and started snapping away. The river was quiet, and the sun setting behind the trees reflected beautiful shades of pink, purple, and orange. It was a truly amazing sight to behold. When I was done, I walked back up towards the bridge and set my things down. As I peered out across the river, I thought about those last three months with Jake.

At the time, I was so angry at him for not fighting. I wasn't ready for him to go... I wanted more time. Just a little more of him. Despite those feelings, I accepted and respected his decision. We lived our lives and enjoyed every precious minute we had left together. Jake had decided that he wanted to finally take that trip to Italy that we had always dreamed about. It was an amazing 3 weeks. We rented a Villa out in the middle of the Tuscany countryside. We visited town, took tours, shopped, and relaxed in the backyard, drinking wine and having elaborate meals with the olive plantations and vineyards as the backdrop of our view.

Sometime during that third week, Jake found it more difficult to regain his energy. He slowed down considerably, and I could see the pain he was feeling in his eyes. We decided to go back to the states early so that he could be comfortable in his own home surrounded by people he loved. I could have stayed there with him or as long as we had left... I didn't want to share my time with anyone else. I knew it was wrong to feel that way, but I did, none-the-less. I never shared those feelings with Jake, but somehow I think he knew and understood.

For the next month there was a revolving door of people in and out of our house. As nice as it was to see everyone who wanted to see and spend time with Jake, I could see the effects it was having on him, and eventually, I had to put a stop to it. I wanted him to be as relaxed and comfortable as possible, and it was just too much for him. I kept the visits to a minimum with only close friends and family visiting every other day. Charlie and Rob were our saving grace. They handled everything for me from grocery shopping to planning for arrangements I couldn't bare to make. They stayed with Jake while I was at work or when I needed a break to myself. They were our closest friends, and they were there from beginning to end.

I have so many wonderful memories of our relationship, and the last three months held some of the best. We talked for hours about everything and nothing... the news, people in the grocery store, movies we liked or didn't like, our friends, our families, and more importantly, each other. We laughed. And, we cried. Jake told me his two biggest regrets were that we didn't meet sooner and that we had never shared the experience of having a child together. Those were my two biggest regrets as well. I knew without a doubt that he would be a wonderful father and I was sad that he would never have that opportunity.

His last few days were spent mostly in silence. He wasn't eating or drinking anything, and he drifted in and out of sleep most of the day. His face was pale and his eyes sunken in. His body looked frail. I layed by his side holding his hand and stroking his head. Occasionally, I spoke to him and told him how much I loved him. I let him know it was okay for him to go and assured him that I would be okay. I held him, and I quietly cried on his chest until I fell asleep.

On the last day, I woke up in the early hours of the morning and noticed there was a change in Jake's appearance from the previous days. His eyes were open and he was alert. He had a touch of color in his cheeks and his body did not look as weak. I leaned over and kissed his hand, which lay still on his chest, and he smiled at me. His mouth opened slowly and very gently, he spoke...

"Bailey, it's time, honey. I will always be with you, watching over you, and protecting you. Live your life and be happy. We will be together again one day, I promise. I love you."

And then he began to softly sing.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy, when sky's are gray. You'll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please... don't... take... my... sunshine away."

With that, he closed his eyes and took his last breath, and, he was gone.

As I stood on the bridge, I smoked my last cigarette and remembered the last promise I had made to Jake. He had wanted me to bring his ashes back to this place. Walk him down the same path we had walked together. Stop at "our" tree- the place where he said his life had finally started because I had said "Yes". I did exactly as he had asked but only when it was right for me. On the anniversary of his death, it finally felt right. I stomped out my cigarette, exhaled the final stream of smoke, grabbed the urn out of my bag, and walked over to the railing.

I started to sing "You are my sunshine" out loud. When I was done, I twisted the lid off of the urn and lowered the open top towards the water. Hands trembling, I shook the contents of the ashes across the water and said softly to myself... "In my heart, I will always be married to you. Every day I spent with you, I felt like I was "home". Each day, you amazed me with your strength, courage, intelligence, and honesty. Your soul is my soul, and I feel blessed that you loved me. It is and will always be you. I love you, Jake, and we will be together again one day."