A Doves Cry

She sits on her couch, always in the same spot.
Always watching the world pass from beyond her window.
Sometimes, she finds herself wondering how people do it, day in and day out.
Be out there. Because out there, are people.
Peoplebadpeople, peoplewillalwayshurtyou, peoplewillalwaystakeadvantageofyou.

But she's safe in here, in this hell she calls a home.
White walls, just white walls to keep her company.
And it slowly creeps into her mind, like an old friend.
And she lets it, because fighting it is just too hard right now.
That overwhelming feeling of sadness.
The voice in her head that whispers sweet nothings to her.

You know there's no Heaven, and if there was a God wouldn't he understand you wanting release from this pain?

It croons to her like a mother to a child.
It's not fair, it can see what she wants.
What she thinks she needs.
But she's smarter than that, because if their was a Heaven as it's told she'll be rewarded.
She'll have her time with Misha, because this much pain on someone so young just isn't right.

But no one ever said life would be right.
Or fair.
Or painless.
You have to love to feel.
You have to trust to be hurt.
You have to hurt to learn.
Her hurting just hasn't stopped in a long time.

She still watches the people pass by, not many do.
But the ones that do she wonders what they might be like.
Every now and again, she goes out to walk the dog, or get the mail and she'll be in someone's presence.
Sometimes it's just a friendly smile, or a "Hello." And she always reply's, always.
No reason to anger anyone.
But those brief encounters scare her.
She starts to question it.
What if she was wrong?
What if people aren't always bad?
What if she could trust her gut?

She can look at people, and no matter how much bad is on top or underneath, she can see the gem.
Just the glint of a gem of good in anyone, and that gets her in trouble.
It gets her hurt.
It got her an abusive husband, who killed their baby before he was born.
It got her a divorce, the one thing she never wanted.
It got her another man, who's anger gets taken out on walls but she knows its only a matter of time...
Then it's her turn.

She trusts herself with only one.
Because she may not know him, but when she looks into his eyes she feels calm.
She sees the ocean.

Waves, sand between her toes, seagulls...

And no one can hurt her there.

But he's in a different world.  A world of money, and power and fame.
She's the ant, and he's the top of the tree.
No matter how hard she fights it, she can feel it creeping in closer, just calling her name.
But it's okay, she's been like this before.

You know it won't ever happen, no matter how much good you do in this world, he'll never take the time to notice you.
Why keep hoping and dreaming?  Why not just let it all go, and float away...

She fights to hold onto that glimmer of blue...the eyes of the person that has saved her without even knowing.
A hope of a dream, a dream of a hope.
All she can do is try.

And so she's stuck, in this prison called home.
And this cell called her mind.
She reaches out to the one she seeks, but sadly her arms aren't long enough.

Always her fault, always.

Slowly, she gets lost in her own thoughts, her own fantasies.
Not of romance, she's sure like Christmas and happiness, that it doesn't exists.
Just of a meeting, of a connection.  A friendship on a deeper level, nothing more.
Sometimes she lets it go further in her mind but she knows, that would never happen.
And there's no point in thinking otherwise.

She's just a broken person that no man would ever notice.