12-Volt Spot Remover

“12-Volt Spot
Remover”*
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“Hello, I’m ‘Smiling’ Jim Smear and I’d like to tell you about an amazing, revolutionary new product, one that will save your expensive clothing or fabrics if you stupidly spill something on them. We proudly introduce 12-Volt Spot Remover; the new wonder product from Permanent Solutions. It will remove anything, permanently. Dirt, grease, blood, that whole bowl of chocolate pudding that you tried to clean up but succeeded only in making what appears to be a brown racetrack on Aunt Clara’s homemade sweater. Nothing will remove stains as nasty as those, right? Oh, contraire! When you use the new 12-Volt Spot Remover all stains will disappear, forever. Before you p*** away your hard-earned money at the dry cleaners, try some of our wonderful new spot remover first. Let’s say you’re attending your satanic club’s black-candle mass/party. You’re carefully trying to raise your black candle above your head when, oh-no, some of the dyed wax drips on you pure-white shirt. You just shake your shaved head and think to yourself,
“Damn; my favorite satanic candle mass/party shirt is ruined!”
But hold the phone, Charlie. Not if you purchase our new 12-Volt Spot Remover. Simply spray some on the unwanted stain, and after 30 seconds, rinse the sprayed area with a high-pressure fire hose**. Don’t be alarmed by the smoking, it means the spot remover is working; it’s magic! The stain is gone. It’s also fantastic for removing those unsightly skin imperfections. No need to pay an overpriced plastic surgeon to improve on the hand nature has dealt you. Simply spray 12-Volt Spot Remover on the gag-me skin imperfection you wish to remove, let stand for 1 minute, and the imperfection is gone.*** So the next time you want anything removed, for good, purchase, and spray on some 12-Volt Spot Remover!"

*also perfect for topping off car or boat batteries
**failure to rinse after 30 seconds will result in a piece-of-s***, ruined garment or fabric
***some pain involved