The Moment I Knew I Met The One

Decisions

         At 20 I have completed university at Oxford and now I’m managing father’s estate. Marriage and children have never entered into my thoughts for even a second.
         Until I met him.
         Father was very pleased to have one child capable of running his estates and I didn’t mind the responsibilities because each estate was a short distance from London—the only place I can meet friends. Did they care that I went to London and unescorted? A lady (and I was bred as one, by the way) shouldn’t be there without an escort.
         I expected father to meet with me daily but he insisted on month-end meetings. The meetings were always the same with father waiting in his library and smiling in anticipation of the good news I have to give him, i.e. that his estate has made a higher profit than last month. He hasn’t hired an outside party to look through the books a second time. When I approached him about hiring another, he said that he has such faith in me that there is no way that even a crumb of our money has gone to waste! As a bookkeeper and accountant I know not to think his responses deeper than they are. In fact, after speaking to him several times about it he became serious and said that he’s in the process of finding someone but that no one is willing to come out this far. I don’t believe this and gave no indication to father that I felt otherwise. I left the room, worrying over it and the only thing I thought of was where do I want to go tonight? I need a distraction while I think over what has been said. There’s something he’s not saying but if I probe, he’ll get angry, for sure. Sometimes, I think people can find the answer by waiting for it. So the best thing for me to do now is not think about it anymore and think about living a little. I do like to go to taverns, drink and sing with the folks there.
         First stop: Roger. He’s been my friend and more like my brother for over ten years. We were in Oxford together, taking the same subjects. It was a good time and once I had to defend the honour of another fellow human being but that got in the way because some idiot challenged me to a fight. To a fight, not a duel. Well, you know what happened. I won. Sort of. I don’t know why he stopped but as soon as our swords clashed and we were nose to nose, he stopped and walked away, never turning back to see if I was still there.
         Thank goodness I have had the kind of education that most people, and especially women, don’t get. Without it, I think my life would have been very dull. And I think, without an education, I wouldn’t have understood the consequences of marrying a man that my parents approve of. I still think about that “idiot”. He was the most gorgeous man I have ever met and my body reacted strangely to him once the swords were withdrawn. But I put him out of my mind. I had school to finish and an estate to manage afterwards and a man who I don’t love, but my parents approved and pushed on me to marry.
         Joshua is an exceptionally handsome man, but I don’t feel love for him. Maybe marriage to him won’t be so bad. I’ll get babies from him and maybe in time I’ll love him. Things are going too fast that there is no chance to get to know him and make the decision about my feelings towards him. I just don’t have it in me to be married to someone without feeling something for him. I pray that I do and if I don’t I’ll have a miserable loveless life. Never wanted this for myself but I have to think about my family’s safety.
         I’ve met Joshua on the night my parents received a letter threatening to kill them and take everything within days of the date of the letter! We had one day to act upon this. Somehow father found a man who would save us.
         I was sure that my life would not end up like this. Without my education, I wouldn’t have learned to doubt every situation I experience.
I’m holding out for hope. I’m thinking that something soon will change and that I won’t marry Joshua.