Comedy Mourns

Comedy Mourns

My name is Titus; Titus Maccius Plautus to be more formal. I, however, have never been a very formal person; my entire life has been based on my headstrong adherence to informality. I am a writer, but I limit my writing to comedy- theatrical comedy to be more precise. One might say I am a playwright - a very good one I might add!

I have been blessed with an abundance of red hair; have a generous belly, with strong calves, dark skin, a big head and some say, rather fierce eyes - which I use to good advantage on the stage. The people love it when I play the role of an overripe barbarian, or take on the endearing cause of Bacchus! I must also admit that more than one lady has been awed by my deep voice piercing gaze.

I was born and raised in Umbria, a wine, grain, and olive producing region in eastern Italy. I gained my Roman citizenship by serving in the army in the Second Punic War against Hannibal. I didn’t actually fight against Hannibal, I was injured in a training accident before the war got really hot, but I received an honorable release. I am no hero but I am entitled to three names. Only those with Roman citizenship may have three names. Wow! I chose Plautus because I have very flat feet – no doubt from marching in the army - and Maccius because I have always been somewhat of a clown. Titus the flat-footed clown! Very catchy- don’t you agree!

After receiving permission to leave the Legions (I was a conscript and not a professional soldier), I joined a traveling acting group that specialized in farces.

I tried carpentry and shipping and a few other - less than profitable - endeavors. I finally decided that I was born to be a Theater Comic. I base the majority of my comedy on puns and slapstick gags that I started using on the provincials. They loved it, so I moved on to glorious Rome.

Unfortunately, the state controls stage productions and my plays would be banned if they become too risqué, so I cut the politicians some slack. A word to the wise is enough. I did get involved when the Senate was dragging their noble behinds about whether to fight the ‘big’ war.

General Scipio (later dubbed Scipio Africanus) wanted to confront Hannibal but after so many defeats the Senate wasn’t taking the bait. The people were all for the war so I worked my audience up with the idea of the enemy at the gates of Rome, and demanded action with the call: hostis tibi adesse, or “the foe is near at hand”. The people finally forced the Senate to get off their couches and give the command to Scipio. Luckily, many of the Senators owed me more than a few favors, so I got away with that one. Let us celebrate the occasion with wine and sweet words, Greek wine - not that disgusting Roman swill.

Later, the Senate wanted to start another war with the Greeks; can you believe it - a Second Macedonian War. Since I had taken on the laudable role - through my comedy - of advising the lower classes, the average Roman citizens, I made it a point to push the message that the government should take care of its own people before attempting any other military actions. That one didn’t go over well. There’s far too much money to be made in foreign conquest.

Comedy has been very generous to me and I have thrived in the theater (despite those sour-puss politicians).  I am getting on in age so I thought it would be appropriate to write my own epitaph. I have drafted it many times, but finally settled on: postquam est mortem aptus Plautus,Comoedia luget, scaena est deserta, dein Risus, Ludus Iocusque et Numeri innumeri simul omnes conlacrimarunt. (Since Plautus is dead, Comedy mourns, Deserted is the stage; then Laughter, Jest and Wit, And Melody's countless numbers all together wept.

How do you like it? It must last me for eternity so it may as well be – regal and flashy!

Word Count 700