Fear and Loathing Myself - 2 year Saga

2012------------------

Wow, I am having a similar day today after just glancing over the first paragraph of a 2010 journal entry.

I am now going to read the entry in it's entirety.
P.S. I just had a j-cruise lunch and experienced one of those "ah ha" moments I previously enjoyed while living the high life in New Orleans during my lunch hour from JNB. I have't felt this way in a long, long time. I feel better today than I have in a long time as well and by long I mean at least 2 years and that was even in the destructive downward spiral when I left Jim for Glenn, the biker. That was the lowest of the good times and now I have taken permanent residence in "Recluse/Former Somebody/ Little Girl Officially Lost / Celebrity Rehab". Just now I had an image of a former child star who lost all their money and fame and are now in terrible physical health, "former beauty" and feel like everyone in public is some papparazzi that actually give a shit about my every move to blast it all over the gossip mags for the world to laugh at...

yes, that's how Ive felt. I have issues, which I will address when I post my other entries. But today, I look better (thanks to rubbing my copper mineral oil from the Ancient Apothecary, along with magnesium, copper, gold, vitamin D-3, liver detox, colon detox, perhaps)and even though my hair is in need of a haircut and color, the long lush thick full wavy blonde(s) hair i have, it makes me stand out next to my fitted collared dark coral pink sweater, new silver trouser jeans and my vintage sexy brown pointed toe Luchese cowboy boots with the dark leather fleur de lis tip toe. I even have on earrings today. My 5'11" self is not feeling the dopey, dwarf nobody I imagine but the long lean, sexy confident rock star Jenn I was just 2 years ago. I was an addict, a functional one but it cost me everything no less. "my little girl lost" mentality described by my psychologist was me being so dependent on Jim that when i felt threatened by his family and especially his sister and he didnt see my addiction growing, I acted out and by acting out I mean, I lost my effing mind. I went head to head with a city that kicked my ass out with a voodoo curse as my "get the hell out" going away gift.


I even paid some of my medical bills from the 2 ER trips this summer, and my failing health that cost me numerous trips to a dermatologist, internist, rheumatologist, pulmonologist and gastroenterologist the past two months. "Oh my gosh, just seeing that in writing is effing ridiculous" I'm only 32.

Ok, so I have stalled enough but at least I'm writing. On my lunch hour. Looking and feeling better-no I feel fucking good! and admitting to myself...


2010:--------------
Today is the first day of october, my favorite month of the year.
so much has happened. My apartment finally looks like a home. I'm
in love with Glenn and I know he loves me, even though its hard for
him to say. He makes me so happy. he is a real man. i would do
anything for him. He is my match and I'm sorry that I thought Jim
was but I know what love is supposed to be like now.

I hope Jim is happy one day. My mom went over to his house on
Tuesday and all hell broke loose. She dug up the whole yard and Jim
flipped out on her. He called his parents who in return called my
mom and so did his attorney. We returned the plants on Wednesday
along with his dresser and TV. We left that shit in the yard while
Jim hid inside like a little bitch.

I admit I made a lot of mistakes but i was self destructing in that
marriage and I didnt know how to give Jim what he wanted. I cant
believe how things have turned out.

I missed the KOL show in Houston that I had VIP tickets to see with
Harry Chang. So i thought I would just settle for seeing The Whigs
locally with the Black Keys at the House of Blues, but the tickets
sold out....grrr. THEN, I found out The Whigs were playing Voodoo
this year, so i absolutely cannot miss the show.

I dont have much money and I cant spend like I did before, but I am
so much happier. I just like being with Glenn, all the time. I
dont want to drink myself into a slumber. I was hanging by a thread
for a while, not thinking I would ever find a way out, but I did.
It was the hardest thing I've been through to date, for real. But I
pray to the good Lord that I am finally coming out of the dark and
into the light.

Thank you God for all the blessings in disguise. I have nothing
without you. You saved my life twice this summer and i know you want me to do something great with my life and not waste away.

i want to get back into writing, cooking, baking, and drumming and
all the creative outlets I used to have that I stopped doing. I
love you Lord.



Reaction:----------------------------
Strange? Dammit I have'nt done too much to move myself forward in the past two years. i should post this to WDC just to see if I get a response. It definitely motivates me to finally pursue this dream of mine that i've documented for the past 10 years. My worst enemy is myself, this entry on wdc will be titled, fear and loathing myself at work- a 2 year journey
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Note: THIS IS JUST A QUICK LUNCHTIME JOURNAL ENTRY THAT I JUST IMPULSIVELY WANT TO SHARE. IT HAS NOT BEEN EDITED OR EVEN SCANNED OVER BEFORE POSTING TO WDC. ITS JUST FOR LAUGHS BUT AS A WRITER MAYBE I WILL GET SOMETHING OUT OF IT.