The Noponies pt III: The Nowhere Pony

The next week after discovering Pinkie's secret, work was going slow, so I asked her to take over for me for a bit so that I could go and adventure around town to meet the locals, and she agreed, so I signed out and walked out of Sugarcube Corner and into town square, seeing all the great many stalls and vendors selling nearly everything I could imagine.

After the little incident a few months ago with my failed glue factory, the local’s didn’t particularly like me, to put it the nice way. As I walked down the street, I got more than a few mean glances, so I kept going down until the street turned from paved to dirt, so I assumed I was on the road now.

Off in the distance, I saw that same odd stand that I saw when Pinkie was dragging me into town the first time. It had peaked my interest, so I walked to the poorly-constructed turnip stand, owned by a smaller than average light-gray stallion with a short, tan mane who greeted me. "Hello there sir, I am how you say, foreign pony like yourself. Would you like to buy turnip? I bring them all the way from Stalliongrad!" I tilted my head a little in confusion as I listened to his strong accent and inability to speak our language well, and looked at his cutie mark: a red fist clenching a turnip.... gee, I wonder how he got that. 

"Hmm.... turnips, you say? I can’t recall ever eating one before, what are they like?" He smiled and picked up the largest "They are best food known to ponykind, and these are best breed, taken straight from my commune in the United Soviet Stallions of....erm.... Russia!"

An average sized brown pony walked up to the stand and looked at the turnips, confused. "Hmm.... I’ve never had one of these, but I love trying new foods!" He placed 2 bits on the table and the owner gave him a big, round turnip, which the brown pony bit into, then shrieked in pain as his teeth shattered like glass and he ran away, dripping blood from his mouth.


"Why does this always happen? These Ponies in Equestria are frail compared to mighty Soviet turnip!"  I watched the brown pony run away and laughed, handing the owner 12 bits. "I’ll take one, and there’s 10 more for that show you just gave me. That was Quite humorous, my friend." He handed me a turnip of equal size, and he bit into one of his own for lunch, able to eat it just fine. I then looked at mine, and took a big bite out of it, but instead of my teeth shattering and bleeding, the turnip began to bleed instead, which made the soviet pony jump in shock "Y-you must be evilest pony in all of land, what the hell?!" I Laughed and shook my head "Well, I may be evil, but I can see you and I making good friends, would you like to be my friend, Mr....?" The pony held out his hoof and I shook it "D-dimitri Turnip is my name, and I would be glad to be friend with you" I smiled and gave him a friendly hug "Good, I will see you around then Dimitri, oh! And my name is Hanz Von Stickyhooves, don’t forget!" I said as I began walking away, leaving a small bag with 30 bits in it to help his failing business, knowing he would appreciate it.

I then walked on down the road some more, able to tell I had only spent an hour, when as I was looking up at the sun to tell the time (my monocle is tinted, so I can easily do that), I bumped into an average-height blue stallion wearing tan cowboy boots and a deep purple cowboy hat as well. "Ooph! S-sorry there partner, I wasn’t looking where I was goin I reckon" I smiled and shook my head "No, it was my fault, don’t worry.  Don’t think I’ve seen you around Ponyville yet, Mr...?"  "Ah, my name is Leonard Golden; I’m a relative of Apple Jack, if ya heard of her?" I looked at him and saw that his cutie mark was a Yellow apple, and I shook my head "No, I’m new in town, my name is Hanz Von Stickyhooves" He smiled and took my hoof, dragging me with him back to the farm to meet his massive family.

"I-I’m getting kinda tired of being dragged around here by everypony!" I said, getting sore and dizzy from it all, but we finally arrived at Sweet Apple acres, where he showed me around the apple orchard. There I saw what he told me was his big brother and sister: Big Mac and Applejack, collecting apples from the trees. "They do all the buckin' and collectin' around here, I’m more of a painter myself, hard labor just aint my thing" I chuckled a little at the odd country pony showing me around, then he sat me down on the porch of the house and introduced me to all of his family, which took hours upon hours, and by the end of it, It was well past dinner time. "Well Leonard, it’s been great meeting you and your family, and I hope we can meet up again sometime, but I gotta get back home, my girlfriend is probably wondering where I am" He looked a little sad when he heard me mention her, which made me question the purpose behind his friendliness, but he forced a fake smile and nodded, giving me a hug and I accepted it before waving to him as I walked back home. “That unicorn sure is perty…. “ Leonard mumbled to himself as he watched me walk back to my home.

I finally got back in to Sugarcube corner, and Pinkie greeted me with a hug "I’m so happy to see you; you were gone for so long!" "I-I’m sorry hun, I got sidetracked and met a few new friends.  Is dinner cold?" She shook her head and brought out a fresh baked pie she had been keeping in the oven for when I got back, so we ate dinner, then retreated back downstairs, changing into my new surgeons outfit she got for me a couple days ago, and she put on her cutie mark coat, then we headed into our secret room, where she had a fresh new pegasus waiting for us to "Bond" together over. "Awww, a pegasus!  I’m so glad you remembered how much I disliked them, Pinkie!"  She smiled and nodded, getting out her favorite scalpel and handing it to me "Of course, I remember everything about everypony!" Her eye twitched in an evil and creepy way "You go ahead sweety, make the first cut; I got him for you anyways." I nodded and took her scalpel, and then we spent the night together down there, dissecting and toying with the living pegasus in our sound-proof basement, the happiest pair of ponies still awake at this hour.

I awoke in the morning and took up a quill and a piece of paper, writing a letter back to my country like I promised I would do periodically. I then rolled it up, attached the letter to my pet Eagles leg, then told it to deliver it to my brother, going out to greet the new day as my eagle flew the letter back to Brandinburg.



Dear brother Adolf:
                                      I’m quite enjoying my stay in Ponyville, this city is so odd compared to our glorious Brandinburg!  So far, from what I can tell, the ponies live a peaceful, happy life here, but there are quite a lot of Pegusi here, should we ever decide to invade. I also discovered a small pony who somehow escaped from Stalliongrad, I have no clue how he got out, but I am friends with him now, and I think he could be of use to our country, especially since Hoofenstein and the United Soviet Stallions of Russia don’t exactly get along.
When I first arrived, I was greeted by an earth pony that I have no clue how she hasn’t gotten in trouble with Celestia yet, but I’m happy to say that she’s helped me a great deal over the months, and we are dating now. I think I may have finally found my mare!
                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Your faithful Deputy Herr,
                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Hanz Von Stickyhooves