The Noponies pt X: We Are The Noponies

                                                We Are The Noponies

As my eyes slowly closed and I finally passed away, my body now lifeless and beginning to decay, something strange happened. No, there was no bright flash of light, nor was there some feeling of weightlessness. No, I began to feel very heavy, heavier than the very mountains themselves, and the floor under me began to crack. I could not see because there was complete and total blackness, but I swear I could hear it! And as the ground cracked more and more, finally there was a gaping hole that opened up and swallowed me, upon which I began to fall. I reached my hooves forward to try and grab something, but there was nothing there, it was as if there was just me, and this hole. I screamed for help but I knew deep down that there was nopony to hear me, but as I kept falling and falling, I could see a light starting to appear at the bottom of the hole.

This light continued to grow closer and closer, but soon enough the hole came to an end and I fell for a few more yards, until I finally hit the ground. I winced hard in expectation of extreme pain, yet gravity seemed to act differently in this strange place, because I landed on all my hoofs, gently. I kept my eyes half closed because after so much darkness, I had to adjust to light again, but as I waited, I noticed it was rather cold here compared to Ponyville, feeling even colder than the feeling I had as I bled out. Looking around, all that lay before me was a vast landscape of snow and ice, the wind blowing quite hard and making it feel all that much colder.

“W…where the hell am I?” I asked myself, only later would I learn the irony of the question. I used my magic to give myself a thick winter coat, and began looking around but to no avail, this placed seemed to be a barren, markless land. On my journey I came upon a hill however, so I climbed to the top of it and looked around, seeing nothing all around me, until…. Far, far off in the distance, I could see a small outline of a familiar-looking pony. “Finally I see somepony! I don’t care who it is, I need some information on where exactly I am!” And with that, I took off running as fast as I could, the snow slowing me down and making an audible crunch noise under my hoofs.

Approaching the mysterious figure, I managed to get 10 yards away from it before it turned to face me, an average sized white earth pony with a pen on top of a British flag. “S-sir, could you please tell me where am I? I just got here, and I have no earthly idea” I asked, and he simply responded with this: “What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.” I looked at him, confused but asking again “So…where EXACTLY are we then, Mr.? And why is it so cold?”  He sighed and shook his head “A toothache, or a violent passion, is not necessarily diminished by our knowledge of its causes, its character, its importance or insignificance. And you may call me Thomas Eliot” He said as he started to walk away slowly, fading away into the background of the snowy white landscape.

“This is the strangest place I have ever seen in my life…and nopony is making any sense!” I said as I started walking in the other direction in hope of finding some sort of explanation as to where I was. In the far off distance I saw a large mountain coated in snow, and so I began walking towards it in hopes of finding somepony else who would make a little more sense.  As I got closer, I saw a small cage that couldn’t have been larger than 20ft square. Inside was a larger than normal earth pony “Sir, what are you doing in that cage?” I asked, curious “That is a good question…..Why don't they release me? Why must I suffer so? I alone tried to bring about peace in the world and for this I must stay here the longest. It is not right. It is not just! All I want is to go home and die in peace and be buried in the garden.” He said, crying. “I-ill try and find a way to get you out of here, ok?” He nodded and I looked at a sign by the cage, it reading “Rudolf Hess: to remain here eternally” And with that, I ran off, having no intention of returning, but wanting to at least be polite to somepony who has suffered so much.

Walking away, I remembered: Pinkie had died along with me, so perhaps she is in this place as well? I kept that thought in the back of my mind, knowing that simply running off and calling her name wouldn’t do much good for either of us. If anypony can take care of herself, it would be Pinkie. 

The snow and blankness seemed to drag on forever, and I began to lose hope. I fell down in the snow and its icy chill gripped my body despite my warm jacket, making me want to give up. I slowly looked up and saw the strangest thing: The snow seemed to be rising up and forming into the shape of one of those monsters I saw in the Everfree forest…but the worst part was: It was shambling towards me! I weakly got up and tried running away, but the cold had worn on my body so badly that I could barely force a trot, I could hear the beast catching up to me, and I whimpered loudly, knowing I was going to be eaten or worse by it.

I looked backward to see where it was, and doing that made me lose my balance and fall onto my back, looking up at the intimidating snow beast, and right as it gazed down at me, I heard the loudest “Boom!” I had ever heard in my life, it making me yelp and put my hooves over my ears, and as I sat there, shivering I looked up to see that the monster had fallen over onto its back and was for all matters: Dead. I couldn’t believe it, what made that loud sound that saved my life? I looked behind me to see a small dark grey unicorn holding a strange device in his hoof; he had a funny looking mustache and short, slicked hair. “I’m quite glad that I saw that beast in time, otherwise I’m sure you would have bit the bullet so to speak.” I slowly stood up and nodded, breathing deeply and my breath very visible due to the coldness “T-thank you so much Sir, I had no idea there were monsters out here!”

He nodded “Yes, indeed there are. And you won’t get far unless you have something like this” He said as she showed me his odd gadget, pouring some black power into it and then dropping a metal marble inside before stuffing it tight with a metal stick “In case you don’t know, this is called a Flintlock pistol” I looked confused at the odd device, but I knew for sure it worked, because it had just saved my life. “Well, if you perhaps have a spare, may I have one, sir?” He shook his head “A Stallion must make his own existence. Besides, I only have this one.” I looked worried but nodded “Well, could you at least tell me where we are?” He laughed and gave a smirk “Ah that is quite simple: We are wherever you wish to make this place. For is not life simply what we make of it?” I glared and growled a little “I’m getting tired of all these dumb remarks, can nopony simply give me a definite answer?!” He turned and started to walk away “I may not, however, I will give you a piece of advice: Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.” And with that, he disappeared. I had forgotten to ask of him his name, but since he’s one of those weird philosopher types, I doubt he would have given me an answer to that either!

I went about my own business again, until in the distance I heard the same boom that the unicorn’s pistol had made, only there was many booms back to back, which got my hopes up that there must logically be a great number of ponies over there. I started galloping the best I could to greet them, but as I got closer, I saw the oddest thing: there were only 2 earth ponies that were making those noises! They were surrounded by what must have been 25 of those snow monsters, yet they didn’t seem to care at all…no, they were laughing more than Pinkie did! In their hooves were devices even stranger than the unicorns, because they could fire shot after shot without having to reload. In no time, all the snow monsters were dead and they gave each other a high-hoof before reloading.

The one on the left noticed me off in the distance and he pulled out a very long device with what looked like a telescope on top of it, then he shot at me, which made me duck down quickly. I called out to them the loudest I could “Don’t shoot; I’m not one of them!” They looked at each other and waved to me, telling me to come closer. I did as they asked and stepped forward until we could see each other well: they were both pale white ponies, as white as the snow almost, but their features made them stand out from the snow. The pony on the left had long, blond hair and wore black sunglasses, and the one on the right had a black baseball cap on backwards. I couldn’t make out their cutie marks because they were both wearing long, black coats.

“T-thank you two for not shooting me…. I’m horribly lost in this strange place and I’ve only been here for a few hours. Who are you two?” They chuckled and the one on the right spoke first “Well, let me be the one to say: Welcome to the rest of your life. We’ve been here for…well, how long now, Dylan?” He said as he asked his friend, who checked a small paper he had “Well…according to my chart, it’s been over 13 years, Eric” I opened my eyes wide and gasped “W-what?!  I’m going to be trapped here forever? Where exactly is this?!” The blond pony laughed and smiled “Ah, you don’t know? Welcome to Hell, my friend. Get used to it, of course, me and Eric love it here. It’s just like a video game!” I whimpered loudly and hung my head down, knowing that escape now is impossible. “Well, I may not be able to leave, but have either of you seen a Pink pony around here?” Eric scratched his head and thought for a moment “Hmm….let me think… I think we might have somewhere back there, she seemed to be having fun like we are though, so we left her alone.” I smiled and that make me cheer up a little: I may not be able to leave, but at least I’ll be able to find my wife.

“Thank you two, you don’t know how much help that is!” I said as Dylan reached into a bag and pulled out a pistol, handing it to me “No problem friend, but take this, trust me, you’ll need it.” I took the gun clumsily and nodded, taking it with me “Thanks guys, thank you so much. If I ever get out of here….I’m gonna write a story and reference you two in the title!” They laughed and walked off to go find more monsters to kill, leaving a trail of death behind them that I followed in search of my lovely Pinkie. I knew that if I could find her, we could get out of this place. And with this fancy pistol, I felt safe…well, at least, more safe than before.

I heard marching in the distance, so I made my way over to a small hill and looked over it cautiously, and I saw the strangest thing: There was a small brown earth pony leading a group of 30 snow monsters…this caught me off guard, because as far as I had seen, the snow beasts had only wanted to kill everypony. I used my magic to make some binoculars appear, and looking through them, I saw that he was wearing a Roman helmet and a long crimson cape. As he marched I could see his cutie mark faintly: and it was a picture of himself! “Let them hate me so long as they fear me, for I Caligula still live!” He said proudly as he led his “Troops” across the frozen wasteland. It would have been interesting to follow them and see what would happen if he, Eric, and Dylan met, but I simply stayed hidden until they passed.

Continuing on with my search for my beloved, I must have traveled for miles, shivering despite my thick coat and I could feel the cold getting to me. I kept walking towards yet another high mountain off in the distance where I could see a faint glow on the right side….”Surely somepony must be there, who knows, perhaps there will be a fire to warm up by” and with that, I slowly made my way over there, the snow beasts apparently busy dealing with Dylan and Eric back there, because I had yet to see any more. Approaching the mountain, I could make out the faint glow better: it was indeed a fire!

I called out to whoever may be up there while walking up to the entrance of the cave that housed the fire, yet nopony replied, so I assumed the owner must have left some time ago. I sat down by the fire to warm myself, and I took a deep sigh of relief, the fire feeling so very good after freezing for so long out there in the snow. And as I relaxed, I couldn’t hear the faint clip-clopping noise that was getting closer to me from within the darkness over the crackle of the warm fire. I gently closed my eyes before they then jolted open, something was pulling me back! “You just made the last mistake of your miserable life, you evil snow monst-!” The figure stopped its sentence and gasped, looking me over “H-hanzy! Is that you?!” I heard the figure exclaim, and with that, I knew exactly who it was, so I quickly turned around to see my lovely wife, Pinkie. She was covered in snow and blood, her mane a much redder crimson from it being coated in blood, but I did not care, because I had finally found her. “Yes Pinkie, It’s me, and I’m so happy to have found you!” I said, hugging her oh so tightly and feeling a weight lifted off of my heart.

We must have laid there for hours in a loving embrace because neither one of us wanted to let go of the other. But we eventually did, and the first question I asked was how she got here. “Well, you see Hanzy, after my dad killed me, I think I fell through the ground or something, because when I woke up I was wayyyyy over there.” She pointed with her hoof to an unassuming spot in the snow with some blood on it. “After that, these weird snow monsters just kinda came up out of the ground and tried to kill me, so I did what any mare in my position would do: I bit one of their legs off and beat the rest of them to death with it!” She giggled and blushed a little “After that, I drug a couple of their bodies into this cave and used one to start a fire, and then I ate another one. Didn’t taste as good as the ponies up there did, but I’m not hungry anymore, at least” I smiled and kissed her, entertained by her story, yet not really surprised by any of the details.

She then went on to say: “Though, I think there might be a little room left in me for a certain grey unicorn” She winked at me and giggled, moving one of her hoofs down to rub my groin gently, making me blush and gasp softly “O-oh my, Pinkie, your actually….in the mood in a place like this?” I asked shyly, and she nodded, pushing me onto my back and rubbing my groin harder, making me start to get hard quickly as I gazed up at the lovely face of my wife Pinkamena, her blood-soaked hair actually making her look even more attractive than she already was. “Heehee, looks like somepony is in the mood to party as well” She poked my nose and giggled childishly and I blushed deeply “Don’t forget the #1 rule of a party: everypony is supposed to have fun” She smirked and I took that as a hint, playfully pushing her off of me onto her back and I slowly leaned my head down to her groin, starting to lap lovingly at her sugar-flavored slit, making her moan softly and smile. I looked up at her while slipping my tongue into it, moving my tongue around to the best of my abilities because I didn’t honestly do this very often.

She put her hooves on my cheeks and pulled me up, giving me a kiss on the cheek before saying with a grin “Mmmn, you did good at that, now let’s see if you’re a real party animal!” She gave my body one quick tug and somehow managed to force the first half of my length into her warm, wet slit without me even knowing I was lined up so perfectly, which made me moan and lean down to kiss her. I immediately started thrusting deeply into her and she wrapped her hooves around me to keep me close, apparently enjoying the ride from what I could tell.

“Ohhh, Hanzy, go faster!” She moaned out and I was happy to oblige, picking up the pace and bucking my hips so that I would have a chance at hitting her sweet spot, but for now, I was honestly just caught up in the moment of finally getting to consummate our marriage, even if it was in this cave. She wrapped her legs around me and grinned evilly as she made the walls of her amazing slit tighten around me, which made me moan out loudly as I tried to keep going without finishing too quickly, but in return for her little trick, I gave her a firm, hard thrust up against her inner wall which made her body go limp as she moaned from pleasure. Soon enough though, we were both at our breaking point, but I kept trying my hardest, hitting her upper wall each time until she finally rolled her eyes back and laid limply on the floor as she started to orgasm, the sudden extra tightness forcing me over the edge too and I arched my back a little, starting to cum deeply inside of my new wife and laying weakly on top of her, panting heavily and both of our breaths very visible due to the cold. We slowly fell asleep in each other’s arms by the warm, snow-beast fueled fire, and for the first time since I arrived here, I felt truly happy.

So Pinkie and I set up shop, so to speak, here in the mountain. We didn’t really have any kind of survival problems anymore, but one day I was out searching for more snow beasts when I heard a voice in my head….. No, not just any voice like the ones the Dr. told me to ignore, either. I heard the voice of Zekora, who also appeared in front of me “Child do not be afraid, this is simply how I am now made” I looked confused but nodded, her rhymes not always being understandable. “Zekora, where are you exactly? I haven’t seen you around here.” She shook her head “No, I did not go here. I am in another land. One that is much more grand.
But listen now, you were my only friend. And for that, I will help you escape your end.
300 yards to the west is a portal, when you go through it, you will be alive, but not mortal.”
I opened my eyes wide and couldn’t believe it “You-You mean to say that Pinkie and I can go?”

She nodded and slowly started to fade away “Yes, Tell Pinkie that I love you both. But before I go: make me an oath. When you return to Ponyville, go to my hut and look for a blue book. You can use it to revive me, using what Twilight Sparkle took.” I nodded and tried to hug her but I couldn’t because she wasn’t technically there. “Yes Zekora, I promise that I will revive you as well, and thank you for helping us get out of this hell” She giggled “You don’t HAVE to rhyme, you know?” And with that, she faded away to wherever it is her spirit resides for now.
   
I rushed back to our camp to tell Pinkie, and just in time too, because she was dragging in a new body to use in the fire “Pinkie! I have great news! Zekora has opened a portal for us to return to Ponyville with, but we have to hurry!” She stopped to question me, but I grabbed her hoof and dragged her with me, the portal in sight to the west. I ran as fast as I possibly could while carrying Pinkie, and within a few minutes I reached the portal, stepping through it without hesitation.

Inside this strange portal, there was a loud, hissing noise and I couldn’t see anything. It was as if I was blinded by a bright light, and while blinded, I could feel the air around me starting to increase dramatically in temperature. I bit my lip hard to try not to scream, it was so painfully hot! All Pinkie did was hold onto me tight because neither of us knew what was going to happen to us, or where we would come out on the other side. And then, right as I thought I was going to die from heat and from the pure brightness, I heard the loudest crack of thunder I had ever heard in my life, and in an instant, Pinkie and I appeared on the ground in the wake of a lightning bolt, the earth and trees around us charred and burning.

We lay there on the ground, the entire experience zapping us of energy, and after an hour, I heard a very familiar noise: the sirens that were sounded by the Brandinburg Fire Patrol, who put out the fires and recognized me quite easily, since I was their Deputy Herr. Pinkie and I were put on a cart together and wheeled off to the hospital to make sure we were ok. “Well…you two seem to be alive and well, even though I can’t detect a heartbeat in either of you” The nurse said as she placed a stethoscope against my chest, failing to hear anything. “While medically you are both dead, you seem to be very much alive…. So I shall let you both go free, Mr. and Mrs. Deputy Herr.” And with that, we walked out peacefully and returned to my large manor, crawling up the stairs and then I lay down in bed, Pinkie soon following afterward and yawning loudly “mmmn, that was quite an adventure you and I had, Hanzy. I feel like I could sleep forever!” she then snuggled up to me and I hugged her gently before she passed out. “Me…too…Pinkie…..” I said as I fainted from lack of energy.

Pinkie was busy decorating our mansion when I woke up, so I ate one of her home-made muffins and went to go see my brother Adolf at the Reichstag to ask him if he could help me fulfill my promise to Zekora. I knocked on the door and Rarity let me in like always, but she seemed a little nervous because news had started to spread about how Pinkie and I died. I walked on up the staircase to his office and went inside, knowing I didn’t need to ask if it was ok “Good morning brother!” I said as I sat down in the office and he smiled, happy to see that I’m still alive, technically. “Yes…good morning Hanz, I’m very happy to see that your alive, which means our succession is secure once again. But tell me: are the rumors of your death true?” I nodded and looked away “Yeah, Pinkie, Zekora, and I were murdered at our wedding by the ponies that ran us out of town last time. But Zekora managed to return us here in exchange for bringing her back.

“That is very interesting Hanz, now, where is this Zekora that you were talking about?” He looked eager to learn about this pony who must be a powerful sorceress “Well, that’s the thing: In order to bring her back, I need the help of you and the Secret Police.  I need you to authorize them to go into Ponyville and retrieve her belongings from her hut in the Everfree forest, and get her body back from Twilight Sparkles house, the giant tree in the middle of town.”

He smiled and clopped his hooves together “Good, I’m glad you finally came around to invading Ponyville!” And with that, he stamped his approval on the paper I handed him. Then it was simply the waiting game…after 2 weeks, Pinkie and I went up to the Capitol building and met with Rarity and her large stallions who had gathered everything we needed. “Sir, the only book that survived was this odd, blue one. I hope this is ok?” Rarity asked, and I nodded “Yes, that will do just fine. You are dismissed, all of you.” They left to go back to their posts, and in my office in the capitol, I prepared her body for resurrection according to the book, placing a single bit on her tongue and pouring a small amount of alicorn blood on her forehead “Oannes Dagon, Ithaqua Koth. Nyarlathotep Quyagen. Sthood von Summanus!” I knew not what the words meant, but there was a horribly demonic screaming growling noise that surrounded Pinkie and I, making the walls shake like an earthquake. During the “Earthquake”, a large picture came off of the wall and hit me in the back of the head, knocking me unconscious, but I came to in an hour. When I slowly opened my eyes, I saw Zekora standing over me and smiling happily that I was ok, and that we had kept our promise to revive her…the oddest part was that her body was perfectly healed now, and you couldn’t tell she had ever died, just like with us! “Thank you two for doing as you told, for that was quite bold.” She kissed my cheek gently to thank me, and gave Pinkie a big hug; I was glad that she was going to be ok now.

“I’m so glad that your ok Zekora, I was just doing what any good friend would do…but now that your house is gone, and your rejected from Equestria just like Pinkie and I, what will you do now?” She thought for a moment, before coming to this idea: “Yes, my old life was taken in an instant…but perhaps here, you will let me stay as your assistant?” I thought about it: It would be great to have a powerful, loyal sorceress as my assistant, so I agreed. “Of course Zekora, In fact, if Pinkie is ok with it, we have an extra room at our manor that you could stay in, what do you think, love?” I asked and Pinkie nodded and hopped up and down happily “Yay, of course! I’m always looking to make new friends!”

And so: Pinkie, Hanz, and Zekora went back to their home together and showed Zekora her room. She was shocked because she had been accustomed to living in a small shack, so this massive home was like a maze to her. Pinkie and I went into the kitchen to bake a lunch, and as we were preparing some muffins to put in the oven, she gave me quite a surprise. “Hey Hanzy, speaking of baking, I think we might have a little colt or filly ‘baking’ inside of me, because I’ve felt kinda funny ever since we slept by the fire down there.” She rubbed her belly with a hoof and giggled…I opened my eyes wide at the prospect. I could be becoming a dad?! “T-that’s wonderful news Pinkie….. I guess it was just meant to be then, for you and I to meet and have a little colt or filly….or two….or who knows, maybe even three?” I chuckled and kissed her lovingly while the Muffins baked, then when they were done, we sat down together and ate until we just couldn’t anymore…..man, I had really missed my wife’s cooking!

As I sit and think about it, life really does have a funny way of giving us everything we really need. It may not have been easy, it may have taken several years, but I can finally say that I am happy with my life here in Hoofenstein, with my job as Deputy Herr (I’ll be getting promoted to Herr when Adolf dies, I will surely outlive him, because the three of us are immortal now.) with my best friend Zekora, my lovely wife Pinkie, and however many foals we end up having in our unlimited time here together.



My, My……. What a long, strange trip it has been.