The Big Little Boy Crying in a Pram

After an eventful and productive day I stopped at a coffee shop at the airport before boarding my flight. What I saw as a routine stop of self indulgence after a day of giving of myself turned into something unexpected.

While ordering coffee I became aware of a nagging cry from a child in close proximity to me. Annoyed, I turned around and saw a young boy - probably 7 years old, sitting in a pram crying. You can imagine my first reaction: how can a boy this big be in a pram meant for a 2 year old? I irritatedly remarked to the person with me that if I were his parent I would shut him up and put him in his place. I further went on to note how ridiculous it was for him to be as old as he was and to still be in a pram. Her response caught me off guard: "maybe he has a mental disability" she said. The mention of those words that have become such familiar companions to me - mental disability - stopped me dead in my tracks. And I looked again.

It was clear that indeed the boy had a mental disability. As I write this I still see his eyes as he looked up at his dad crying for an unknown reason, his t-shirt soaked in the clearly uncontrollable drool that continued to pour from his mouth. I don't know what it was about what I saw in that moment that causes me to cry even now as I write this. But all I could think of moments after I walked away was how much I was like that boy...

Crippled by my depression and misunderstood by the world on so many occasions, all that was left for me to do so many times in the past was to sit in my proverbial pram: Defeated - and with nothing left but to cry. So weakened by its incredible power that I could barely manage to see the incredulity of my situation: a leader or person of supposed high standing with the world's supposed expectations of whatever that meant - sitting in a pram helplessly crying. How unbelievably weak and pathetic I must have looked to people in this state! And I know this because of my initial reaction to this boy who faced an equivalent situation.

There's definitely a lesson here, because this has stirred my spirit so deeply. And I know that I was meant to see this today as a reminder of where I've come from, of the frailty of my condition, and of my complete wrongness in even remotely considering myself better than anyone - particularly of someone like this boy.

You see, like the father who patiently stood beside his frail little man giving him what he needed without even a hint of irritation: Probably being aware of the Me's of this world who were judging him and his child and hoping that they would understand. So too my Father, God, has on so many occasions done for me. And as I look at it now I am so moved because I realize how He has protected me and provided for me in my most vulnerable moments, knowing that I was powerless to do so for myself. And in the same way as I didn't want judgement during those moments I'm sure that this little boy too only wants the love and empathy of people around him.

So I ask for forgiveness that I even for a moment forgot who I was. That I even briefly considered myself better in any way. Because I realize now that I too am a big little boy crying in a pram...