this is crap

for the third time, its 2 AM. I can't sleep, the tv is on for background noise and the heat is on full blast. im sitting in an akward position on my couch, legs stretched out with my right side pressed up against the back cushions. kind of leaning over my laptop, its not very comfortable but im too lazy to move. every once in awhile i'll stop typing and look over the laptop at the tv. its always sunny in philadelphia is on, funny show, wish i was in the mood to laugh. why does it have to be so late? its not like i have anything to get up and do in the morning. i work at night, so its normal for me to be up right now, and wake up around noon. most days i lay around until 2 or 3 in the afternoon. why not? its 2 20 now. december 10th... almost christmas. still have to go christmas shopping. when im done with this entry im going to have to go back and change/add to the description and key words. this is not really the direction i was trying to go, but thats the way my mind wanted to go. and thats the best way to write/type. deep breath and whatever is on your mind comes through your arms, to your hands and out of your fingers. ok so let me focus for a minute. i want to talk about what happened yesterday and how its making me feel right now. so yesterday, my on and off boyfriend of five months and i got into a fight that ended with a 911 call and a possible pfa. which stands for protection from abuse. i didnt want to call the cops on him, but he made me so mad i didnt know what else to do. he was following me home, trying to be secret agent man, hiding behind cars and staying a safe distance behind me. why? well i dont know the true reason but past experience with him leaves me with the conclusion that he's obsessive and paranoid. maybe im wrong. i dont know. for the last three days i had been trying to get away from him. that makes it sound worse than what it was. ok there were only two maybe three incidents where i asked him to go away and he didnt. i asked him to leave my house because i wanted to be alone and he wouldnt go. but anyway, he was following me down the street and i lost him, then doubled back to catch him and he got mad at me. he yelled at me and said it was my fault because i went the same way he was going. really? we both just happened to duck behind the same group of houses? how cool! wow we really are soulmates we think exactlly the same! no, seriously, you were following me. you thought i didnt know, and when i confronted you, we fought. so there we are, rolling around on the ground screaming and yelling... i call the cops and he splits. the cop comes, contacts him and now here i am, the next day feeling like crap because i miss him and i wish this didnt happen. i keep telling myself he's trouble and it could have been a lot worse. he really is crazy. five years in prison and he's so young. its sad, but the two of us have no business being together. we both have issues and need to work on our own lives before we can have successful relationships. and now, the successful relationship will never be with eachother because we got too carried away. its been a long time since i found someone that made me feel. it was fun while it lasted. right now im depressed and i dont want anybody ever again, atleast thats how i feel. oh well. its 2 34, i typed that without looking, ha ha. im so tired, im sure if i turned the computer off and found something good on tv i could watch it until i fell asleep. im in my living room, my bed is not an option right now. i havent slept alone in my bed for awhile. i wish i wouldnt have let that happen. i've come so far, i moved across the country, started completely over from scratch. when i moved to this town i was recovering from active addiction and my life was dormant. i had nothing. i stayed in the local shelter and looked for work every day, i started going to NA meetings, and eventually made friends in the rooms, they helped me rent a room and find work.i started as a waitress, it was a nice place. i got overwhelmed with the people and the job tasks, so i gave up. but being broke wasnt an option, now that i had rent to pay and a cell phone bill. so i did what i knew i could handle. i went to a strip club. i felt so powerful. i was making hundreds of dollars a night, im gorgeous and have a really nice body. im a good dancer. heck yeah, i was on top of the world. i could definitely handle this.. sure i could handle myself, i did it before, i'd been dancing on and off since age eighteen, thats six years. there was a problem though. i couldnt do this sober. i could not be a glass of water in a room of thirsty people. i realized this right away, after the new wore off. about week two. i went to work and started to get nervous. uh oh, but using drugs was not an option. no way. i wanted to stay clean no matter what. so i dealt with it. i stuck with it and stayed strong. i knew that the girls there were getting high, i knew they were intoxicated and having fun, just living it up. they were comfortably numb. i wanted that so bad. i lasted three months working every night. at about three months i caved. i got high. not right away, i started drinking first. i think it was only a day or two before i went from social drinking to hiding in the bathroom every half hour. it got bad. but, i pulled through. until next time. so since that first relapse my life has been a war zone. to use or not to use. the argument i have with myself is this: i know if i keep working at the club im not going to stay clean. i love the money i make. i keep making excuses and being lazy about finding another job or enrolling in college. this is a cycle that a big part of me doesnt want to break. i met my ex when i had ten days clean before my last relapse. i was coming out of an NA meeting and he was walking down the street. he's been in my life (whether i wanted him there or not) every day since then. i miss him. and i love him. he's getting plastered drunk right now. he likes to drink but he does it when we fight or break up. thats so crappy. i cant be strong for him though. and i cant use missing him as an excuse to get high. i cant make excuses. i cant have reservations. i cant use no matter what. its so hard. i want to cry right now writing this because this is the most i've thought about it in a few days. god, if you're listening please help. i dont know what to pray for, i dont know how to ask for what i want i dont know what i want , to even ask for it. i just know that im hurting and i dont want to hurt. i want to feel good. i want to be happy. its almost 3 now. gotta try to go to sleep. i hope that wherever my ex is, he is safe. i love him... ok im crying now.