Dinner With Marley

“Why aren’t you eating?” Marley asked. My mother in law had watched me eat a plate of food just moments earlier but felt the need to needle me.

“Do you have one of them eating disorders? You know I was watching Oprah, or maybe it was Ricki Lake, you know she has a new show, and they were talking about this woman who was anorexic. It was real sad but she was very pretty and skinny. It’s literally a tragedy that it’s always the skinny people with the eating disorders.”

“You just watched me eat a plate of food. I am trying to diet and be healthy,” Mentally I rolled my eyes at her and tried to move away but she was too fast.

“You know Matt doesn’t like skinny girls. He likes a girl with a little meat on her bones. I remember one time I was watching Rosie O’Donnell and he asked who the hot chick was on the TV screen. I am telling you the fried chicken fell out of my mouth and I was so proud of my boy when he said that. You know that Rosie is a lesbian, so that means that my boy not only likes fat chicks but he is also a fan of lesbians, multicultural.” I couldn’t handle any more of this so I tried to push my way past her once again but she blocked me. Her bulk made getting through the doorway into the kitchen impossible. I sighed and brushed my hair out of my face. “I wish that you and Matt would have babies. You all have been married long enough that you ought to have at least a few babies by now. Maybe your uterus isn’t working; I think you should see a doctor about that. On The View the other day, Joy interviewed a woman who couldn’t have kids and that lady said that if she had her eggs tested before it was too late she would have a house full of babies.”

“Marley, I don’t want to talk about this. I don’t understand why you insist on trying to make me feel bad all the time. Your food was wonderful and it was nice seeing you all but I am going to throw my plate away and leave. I just can’t handle this anymore.” I tried to steady my breathing but the anger that was inside of me, prevented that from happening. “Thank you for a lovely evening, and thank you for inviting me over for the holiday.”

“Are you depressed? The Doctors had a special on depression and they said that if someone if depressed that they try to avoid intimate settings with the family, you know like their scared of the family or something. You are acting a bit scared, you have no reason to be afraid of us, and we all love you. And don’t worry none of us think that you have one of them drinking problems, I mean you only had a few glasses of wine tonight and there isn’t anything wrong with that.” I had a glass of white wine with my dinner, not several as Marley had suggested. I tried to push past her again but she pushed me back. Her eyes narrowed in on me; there was a look of sheer hatred in her eyes. “You know on The Talk they did say that the ones you least expect to have a drinking problem, usually do. I mean Sarah Gilbert was the one who said it and she was on Roseanne, so you know that she knows what she’s talking about. I mean anyone who stars on a sitcom has to have some sort of wisdom. Plus you know Matt would have loved her since she was a lesbian and all. I mean she is young and thin and likes girls. I wonder if she has one of them eating disorders like you have.”

“I don’t have an eating disorder! Jesus H. Christ, will you get off of it? I ate a whole plate of food, just because I don’t want any more doesn’t mean that I have an eating disorder, and just because I had one, count it, one glass of wine with dinner does not mean I have a drinking problem. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with you but please figure it out and quit taking it out on me!” My whole body was shaking, I felt as if I were going to faint. My breath was growing weaker and weaker. “Marley, you have to face the facts Matt is….”

“You know hon, Dr. Phil had on a mother-in-law and her daughter-in-law that always seemed to fight. Kinda like us, maybe you and I could go on the Dr. Phil show, he is quite the hunk. Anyways, he said the reason they didn’t get along is because there were no boundaries. I don’t know what they are but I can guarantee you that Dr. Phil will tell us the same thing.” It was amazing in other areas of her life Marley was not the smartest person. But she could recite things from daytime TV like no other. I turned on my heel and tried to make my way back to the dining room. “Maybe they could make a whole series out of our relationship, you know. Like we could the Kelly Ripa show and they would see how funny we are together and then we could have our own TV show. And you know we would be wise and Matt would be so happy.”

“Marley, Matt died. You have to accept this, I know how much you loved him but he isn’t coming back to us. He watches us from Heaven and wants us to get along and be happy but that can’t happen with you constantly insulting me.”

“Insulting you? Dear no, I am trying to improve your life. I am trying to make sure that you find another husband.”

Ah, the pleasures of daytime TV warp another mind.