Midwife

Her bag was packed. The car was gassed up. The nursery was ready. It was painted blue and pink because we didn’t want to know whether the new arrival was going to be a boy or a girl. If it was a boy he’d be George Lee Harper. A girl would be Lee Georgette Harper. Lee is Mary’s father’s name. My father’s name is George, so all bases were covered. In either case we planned to call the baby Lee.

I’m not the nervous type, I’m just a guy that makes plans and carries them out. I consider myself pretty cool under pressure so I was ready for whatever was to come. That’s why, since we were already a few days past the due date I had taken all proper precautions. The doctor’s phone number was written down on a pad next to the phone. I had some extra money in my wallet, just in case. I knew just how long it took to get to the hospital. I had made the trip seven times at different hours of the day. Worst case scenario it takes 33 minutes. I had even backed the car into the garage so it would be a straight shot right to the hospital.

This should be a piece of cake. I have done less planning for a seven day camping trip in the Rockies and that trip went off without a hitch.

It was three o’clock in the morning when Mary woke me up and said, “It’s time.”

“Right.  I’m on it.”

“Hurry. I waited too long to wake you. The contractions seemed to get closer all of a sudden.”

I ran down stairs and grabbed the bag from the door leading to the garage and brought it back to the bedroom. Mary said, “Why did you bring it up here? Luke, don’t fool around. This baby is coming and it’s coming fast.”

I couldn’t answer that any more than I could find my pants. I made three complete circles of the room before I spotted them between the bed and the wall. They must have slid off the bed when I jumped up to run after the bag.

Mary was pulling on some kind of kimono while I was buttoning my shirt. She didn’t look so good. Her face was lined with pain and every couple of minutes she bent over double. Finally, we were dressed, after a fashion, and I grabbed the bag and my shoes with one hand and took Mary’s arm to help her down the stairs.

Half way down the steps I heard a splash felt my socks soak up warm water. Mary said, “We’ve really got to hurry. The doctor said there isn’t much time after your water breaks.”

I patted my pockets. No keys. I turned them inside out. No keys. I checked the coats in the closet then ran back up to the bedroom to search the dresser top and under the bed and behind the dresser. No keys.
 
I raced back down the steps and found Mary on the floor next to bathroom. Her clothes were on the floor next to her. “OK Buster, drop the bag. You have to deliver this baby.”

“I still can’t find the keys.”

“Forget the keys. First, I want you to stay completely calm. Call 911, tell them what’s happening and unlock the front door."

I must have been just standing and staring because the next word I heard was, “Luke!”

“I’m going.” And I went. I called. I unlocked.

More instructions came from the floor. “Now wash your hands with soap and water all the way up to your elbows and go get a clean sheet and a bunch of towels and all the pillows off our bed. Hand me your shoes. I may need the shoelaces. And bring some clean scissors.”

My God! Scissors! Was I going to have to do a C-section! Where the hell are the keys?

“Go Luke.” I went. I fetched.

“Spread the sheet out on the floor.” I did and she rolled onto it with her back on the pillows. She spread her legs and asked, “Can you see the head yet?”

“No.”

“OK. I’m going to start taking deep breaths and begin to push. When the head comes out tell me to stop pushing.”

“I’m sorry I lost the keys.”

“It doesn’t matter. It was already too late when I woke you.”

“What do I do now?”

“Just cradle the head when it comes out. The baby should just slide out into your hands. Make sure its breathing and then wrap it in the towels and put him on my stomach. I need to breast feed it as soon as possible. This will help expel the placenta and stop the bleeding.”

“What are the scissors for? What do I have to cut.”

“They’re in case 911 doesn’t show up. Now be quiet. I have some work and screaming to do.” 
                                                                                                                 
Everything went just as she said. Simple. The paramedics said I did a great job and I had to agree. I kicked an imaginary clod of dirt while Mary rolled her eyes.

While they loaded Mary and little Lee on the gurney for the trip to the hospital the paramedic asked me how I knew what to do.

Mary answered that one for me. “You Tube.” She said. “He thought he should know what to do in case he lost his car keys.”

As it turned out the keys weren’t lost. When I got in the car to follow them to the hospital the keys were in the ignition. Just one more of my time saving little tricks.