Lessons with Malcolm

I drained the contents of my beer bottle and signaled that I wanted another one. My great-great-great granddaughter, maybe there should be one or two more greats in there, shook her head. She was 22 and could barely keep up with me. She was still nursing her first cranberry and vodka; I don’t know how that was possible. At 22 I would have gone through quite a few drinks, but that was nearly 100 years ago.

My name is Malcolm Mitchell and I am going to be 120 years old in less than a month. My family has tried several times to put me into a retirement home, and each time I get kicked out. If they didn’t want me pinching the nurses on the bottom then they shouldn't put them in such revealing outfits. I am still a man after all and as long as the flag can be run up the pole, I am going to want some female attention. In fact a cute blond caught my eye. “I would love to show her what a real man can do!”

“Papi! Act your age! You are too old to be talking like that!” Brooke pushed a strand of her brown hair out of her eyes. She was a prude just like her mother. They all thought I should have been long in the grave but I insisted on living, like a vampire but I could go out to the beach and see all the chickies in their bikinis. “We’re all worried about you! You can’t keep living the lifestyle that you do!”

“Listen up and listen good, girlie! You are only as old as you feel and right now I am feeling like I am about 19 again. That was a great year, and my God I want to relive it all over again!” I stood up and made my way over to the blond girl that had caught my attention. I would teach that good for nothing family that I still had a lot of life left in me.

When I finally made it through to the crowd, I found the girl of my wet dreams sitting by her lonesome. She looked up at me and smiled, her teeth were as white as the driven snow. It was encouraging that she took care of her teeth, only recently had mine fallen out. “Are you lost?”

“No, of course I’m not lost. I came over to let you know that I find you very beautiful and would love to get a hotel room with you, for an hour or so.” Just because I think I’m 19 still, doesn’t mean I don’t know my limitations. I mean even at my peak, I could only deliver for like an hour or so. “What do you say? I could settle your tab and then we could go see heaven for an hour!”

“Oh, you’re so cute! I mean how old are you like a million years old? Literally a million years old!” I said she was cute, not Einstein. I mean I wasn’t attracted to her brains; I didn’t look across the bar and think to myself ‘that chick has a nice brain.’ No my first thought was that she had a nice rack! “I can’t have sex with you though, Grandpa!”

“Chickie, I am not your grandpa!” Poor thing was confused about who she was related to. Maybe she had too much to drink or something. “You kids and that face space, just because you can be related to anyone on there, doesn’t mean that happens in real life!”

“Come on, Papi!” Brooke dragged me away from the object of my lust; she blew out a long stream of air from her mouth. The tension filled her body, every muscle tightened and it showed. “What is wrong with you? You are old enough to be that girl’s grandfather and yet you hit on her like it’s nothing.”

“Oh, Girlie I’m old enough to be her grandfather’s grandpa but that shouldn’t stop me from going after what I want.” The agitation on her face was amusing to me; sometimes people don’t want to hear the truth. Other times they are Fox News anchors and hide from it. “You are never going to be Annie Leibovitz but you still take those photography classes and buy cameras.”

“It’s not the same thing. I am trying to build a career and you are trying to have sex with one of my classmates! Her mother wasn’t even alive when you graduated high school!” Brooke pushed through a crowd of frat boys. They were passing a bottle of Grey Goose vodka around. When one of them handed the half full bottle to me, I drained it. It took me like 2 and a half gulps but I finished that damn bottle. “You can’t do things like that! You cannot drink a gallon of vodka at your age!”

“Well I’m pretty sure I just did. I mean, unless I took the wrong pill today and I’m hallucinating I think I just finished off that bottle!” The frat boys were hooting and hollering for me. If only they could see me with that sexy blond, confused girl. But that would be weird; I mean I don’t want a bunch of guys watching me go to town with a hot number like that. I wouldn’t want them to feel embarrassed about themselves. “Maybe you should pay more attention, Girlie. And if you don’t want people grounding your dreams, then don’t ground theirs.”

“Papi, that girl was never going to go home with you! And even if she did, there was no way that you could have done the things you wanted to with her!” Brooke’s voice was rising slowly but there was something off about her face. Her lips were quivering and water spilled out of her eyes, “I don’t want you to die!”

“As long as there are hot women on this Earth, I am going to be alive!” That was a promise I intended to keep.

Word Count 1000