What You Were

The cool spring wind, blew carelessly and played with the curls in her hair. A strong scent of pine and newly blossomed flowers, mixed with a unique flavor. Her small nose, pushed up into the wind inhaling the delicious aroma and a soft smile formed on her full lips. Dusted freckles danced in the warm sunlight and she heard the sounds of car’s moving all around her. Lacey white fabric, of her sundress, danced with the wind and she grasped its hem, to fold it under her bending knee’s.



An odd feeling of nostalgia and familiarity wafted through her. While she sat down on the hard wood bench and thought on the world around her. Same town, same distracted shuffle of white collar workers that passed by. Oddly, most of the buildings had not changed, after so many years.



Her eyelids clinched shut and she held her face downward. The word played on her mind and echoed its cruel meaning, in a mocking display. “Years..” She kept her thoughts private and knew better than to allow that word slip off her lips. “After so many years, my heart still aches in remembrance“



She inhaled deeply and shook her head. A kind smile, tugged at the corners of her full lips as she glanced down at the bulk of filled envelopes, in her hand. A sick chuckle, rolled inside her and she kept it quiet, inside herself. “So many memories in this god-fore-saken town. This is where I was married, had both my children and this is where I left him.” Her stomach rolled and she felt her heart ache, once again.



A familiar face, walked by and her eyebrows scrunched together, thoughtfully. She knew this person and she waited, to see if they wanted to remember her. The middle aged woman, turned with glass covered blue eyes and smiled warmly. “Hi! How are you? I have not seen you forever!”



Grateful that at least one person remained civil towards her, she returned the greeting. “Fine. How is your husband and kids?” A cool anticipation, ran through her, knowing that even though this was a sore subject, she still needed to find something  commonly simple to talk about.



A bitter, but fake smile pulled on the other woman’s face and her eye’s narrowed. “Fine. We are doing really great and we are happy.”



Soft strawberry curls, whisked across the other woman’s face and her eyebrow shot up. Seriously? What was she being accused of now. She spoke with confidence and disinterest. “Great. How are you doing though?”



Curiosity and confusion, flooded the woman’s face. Her glasses shifted on her scrunched up nose. “ Um, well. Okay I guess. Busy with work all the time.” She appeared lost after that statement.



Wide hazel eyes and an indifferent expression awaited the other woman’s words. “I see. Well, anyways, maybe you will have time to do something in your spare time, someday.” Her friend, shrugged and said her goodbyes.



Awkward, but oh well. At least she did not go on with her denials. The strawberry blonde, returned to her previous thoughts.



She sat, looking at her letters and thinking. “I once loved life. Now, I do not hate it, but I do not enjoy it anymore. I quite feeling so long ago. It became a habit than.” She sighed and opened on of the envelopes she carried. Than began to read.



Where do I begin. I was once very young and stupid. Like everyone else, eh? I fell in love with a man and became pregnant with our first child. He was in culinary school and I was working full-time. He had told me earlier, that he could never get a girl pregnant and I cancelled my appointment to refill my birth control. Soon after, I found out I was pregnant and he wanted to get married. I denied marriage and put it off. Eventually, he joined efforts with my mom and I ended up succumbing to their wishes. He was always given a choice to stay or leave. I thought I had the same than too.



After we were married, my oldest was 5 months old than, everything changed. We worked in the same place and had the same friends. Anytime we were in public, he was his usual affectionate and talkative self. He spoke of planning for future events or events he looked forward to. Often, his display of affection would have the girls in aww. I on the other hand was confused.



When we went home, he changed. He would withdrawn to the couch and curl up. Refuse to say anything to anyone. I tried to talk. Tried to bring up light conversations, things I heard him speak of through the day or even things that interested him alone. He never uttered a single word. After six months of this, I finally snapped and told him I was through with trying to make a relationship work from one side. I was done being confused with his over affection in front of everyone else but cold and closed at home. He was dead quiet at first but about a week later he came and spoke for the first time, in forever.



He talked about bringing a friend home. A friend I rarely seen him with or talk to. It did not make sense but I thought hey, whatever! At least he is trying, right?



The night came and I remained anxious. Finally, after six months of silence, I was going to be able to be a wife! I was worried, that if I did not respond clearly with who I am and what I intend, that his friends would be scared away by the “new wife”.



His friend showed up and I was familiar with his friend. We were acquaintances. My train of thought going in, “ Make his friend feel at home and comfortable. Maybe than my husband will be more open with himself!”



His friend and I talked for ever. It seemed, every topic we brought up we matched in with interests, everything. I thought this was cool and an unusual bonus for the “wife”. Unfortunately, my husband did not like how well we got along and he became distant, during a portion of the evening. His friend and I noticed. So we quite talking and I withdrew myself. Leaving them to talk amongst themselves.



After his friend left, my husband remarked on how well we got along. He stated he was not angry or jealous he just felt a left out. I apologized and told him that I was not trying to do that. Just that his friend and I got along really well. I had never knew this gentleman that well before and I was pleasantly surprised with him. My husband asked me a question than that should have been a clue but was not to me, during that time. “So, now that you know him better, what do you think of me?” I was taken back with this question and I was disappointed he would say such a thing. I replied. “ you are you and your friend is himself. I do not understand how the two correlate.” My husband said, “Well, do you think I am a good person like him since I have him as a friend?” I said.. “uh. No and yes. I mean, I know the saying birds of feather flock together but, I am a little different. I said, you friend is good but what does, what your friend choose to do or be reflect on you? You are your own person and I do not follow.” My husband said nothing and let it slide.



The next day after work, I sat down waiting for my husband to get off work. I did not have a driver’s license and he did. I was okay with that, under the condition that I would be allowed to get my license. He agreed to teach me how to drive. Anyways, I was waiting and here came his friend. We immediately picked up on the good conversation we had the evening before. I enjoyed his company greatly. This routine of us talking went on for some time. Everyday, after work, sitting at the counter. I was amazed that he knew things about me, without me even explaining them. One of those situations, where he could complete my sentences. We shared this positive energy that I didn’t care to explain or understand really. He was a bright spot in my day.



I asked my husband several times, what he thought of my friendship. He said he didn’t care. With a smile and a kiss on my forehead. He always left it at that. However, my husband and I continued to have problems. Same as before, he would act one way in front of everyone and differently in private. Closed and distant. We argued about his behavior and I brought up that I believed he was using drugs. He denied like I thought he would and went back to his world.



On the other side of my world, sitting at a counter. I started having feelings with this guy. I ignored them at first thinking to my self a string of denials a mile long. “of course I am going to feel like this, my husband and I are having problems. Just me mistaking my feelings for my husband. I just had a baby and my husband has said a few times how fat I am. Probably, me over exaggerating.” Denial, denial, denial.



I noticed, we would share more intimate stares and we confided in each other deeply. I would tell myself that I was the one thinking more of things. I was imagining it. I don’t cheat, I never have and never will! Everyone close to me knew that! Than, I started to feel a sense of longing the more I repressed. We were at the point of talking about my interests in school. He even got me the schedule and some info. He was very supportive in all my interests.



My husband, acted like he wanted me to go to school. He would announce that all the time. In front of people. Behind their backs, he drove me to the college. Yep. Right by the front entrance and kept going. Than his words started to twist. “Alarm clocks can be turned off, homework can be thrown away, I think you understand when you are going to school, right?” I was hurt and saddened. I had supported him through school and paid for the car he was driving. “ I am never going to have anything with you in my life, am I?” He laughed and said, “That’s right. I am your life, get used to it.” I knew than things were going down hill quick.



I did not share this with my friend and we continued to talk and I became more distant. I had a few days off coming up and I needed to use them to think.



My husband, started to accuse me of entrapping him with marriage by getting pregnant and becoming pregnant with my ex boyfriend,(who I had not spoke, seen or asked about since we broke up several years prior.), baby. I pointed out the stupidity in his beliefs and asked him why he would even try to think that knowing so much differently. He said, because mutual friends had said that behind my back. I told him, he was dumb to think such a thing since he knew he had to convince me to marry him, I was the one apprehensive and if he doubted the paternity, I would confidently allow him to take a dna test. He declined.



My days off came. I thought a lot of the situation. I was really confused right than. At the end of the days off, I made some decisions. One, I was leaving my husband. Two, I was going to school. Three, I needed space to decide more things in my life. Four, I needed to file for divorce. My husband came home that day. This time with new things upset over.



I told my husband I needed to talk to him. I told him my four plans. He asked where I would go. I told him usually I did not find it someone business, when I was breaking things off. However, since there was his son involved, I told him where I was going. My mom’s place, 250 approx. miles away, south. He asked me what about my friend. I asked what about it. He asked me if I was fucking him. I told him, I understand where you would think that, however, I was not. I also pointed out to him that he would know this and his neighbor friends could confirm that. He did not believe me and screamed all kinds of threats and names at me. I told him, I was not proud of having feelings for another man when I shouldn’t. However, I was not in a position to explore those feelings right now. I would deeply miss my friend, but, he had his career goals and I needed to get my life planned out. If I moved back to the area, later. Who knows, but right now. No. I had not guarantee’s or right to involve someone else in life right than. I had my son to think of first. My husband told me several threats that day. Including, how he would make everyone, including my parents disappear from my life. I should have listened and went and bought a ticket than. If only I knew. However, I was concerned in finding out final arraignments and write my two weeks notice. I would need the reference for a job later. He laughed at me and left to go out drinking again.



The next day, I waited by the break table and my heart was pounding. I hated doing it, but I knew it was the right decision. My friend showed up and he approached me. He started speaking immediately and said how he hopes that my husband and I work out,(I didn’t say anything but was like yeaaahh weellll.), that he needed to remain focused on his school and he wished me well. However, we needed to spend less time together.  I was relieved and thought, see this is why I like him so much. Exactly what I was going to say. I told him thank you and I agreed. Left things at that. I did not know that would become our last conversation that was real.



My ex husband, started becoming more angry and violent. He pushed me to become friends with several other of his friends. However, he started screaming at me and calling me names. Throwing things, attacking our son. He slammed on the breaks one day, I was out of my seat belt and trying to give our son a bottle. When he did, I flew forward and my head slammed into the dash board. I had a lump and a bruise on my head. When I confronted him that I believed he did it purposely. He said he did and than asked me if I was going to be mean to my friend. I said no. ON and on.. I am going to leave things there and continue with little detail. This is really hard part for me to talk about. Its been, years and it still hurts so bad inside.



My second son, was not conceived the way a child should be conceived. No love or anything else. I was tired of having no one to talk to and being pushed away. So many people full of hate. Convinced of what he wanted them to see. I was tired of talking to physicians in cryptic languages. Always the same, like the police and every other “helpful’ agency. No witness’s to what he does, nothing I could do. He could come and take our son, forcing me out of safety and back to his punishments. So, as I ended those conversations, write down what you observe, but I will not talk until I know we are safe. You can not guarantee me safety from him and for my son, I will not talk. Always the same crap. Over and over. My husband had called my parents, yeah. Convinced them, that he had walked into our house and seen my friend and I screwing. Right in front of him and with my son nearby. That my friend and I had convinced everyone at work that my husband was abusive and that everyone at work/ social life, hated him. We mocked him openly behind everyone’s back. Talk about rehashing open issues with your parents. They never blinked twice that they even admitted that, that type of behavior was not at all like me. That what my husband seemed so untrue. I begged them for six months everyday from the payphone at work and at home. Hide money for me, please momma, please would you listen. Fell on deaf ears. My “friends” withdrew and when I asked them for help, repeatedly, they denied. Years later, they would deny I ever asked. Got to keep up the image I guess. What kind of monsters would turn their back on someone? Overall, I was not mad at them. I understood when it came to their bottom line answers,” I do not want to get involved.” I always said, ‘Neither do I.”



In the mean time, my friend was confused and I believe hurt. Which hurt me more. I wanted to tell him and yet I couldn’t. If I told him, I was involving him with some stupid girls problems. He needed to stay focused on his school. My husband forced me, by hurting my son to be mean to my friend several times. He laughed and made fun of it. I went home and cried. I wanted to die than. In a way, I did. I felt like I disappeared and no one even noticed. Like someone walking over a dead body and not even caring. One time, before my friend left, he finally asked me if my husband was hitting me.. I paused so long. I wanted so bad to tell him the truth. I wanted to let him know. Than I remembered, so what, so that my husband would have new leverage? He reeled my friend back in to punish him more and use me to do it? My friend needed to focus on school. I tried hard not to cry but I whispered a no. He left and that was that.



Later on that day, after my friend left, my husband started pushing me into walls and demanding what was said. I stayed silent. He reached for my son and I screamed, “Stop!” I told my husband what my friend asked. My husband looked like he was going to crap his pants. He demanded to know what I said. I told him. My husband laughed. Than he asked why did I answer that way. I said, “ To keep him far far away from a monster like you! When I said you would not use me again I meant it!”



I even had one female boss, that would follow me around and scream at me. How pathetic I was and I needed to grow up! I was looking for someone to listen and I was feeling hope die inside me. Than it went away. I was there regardless if I wanted to be there or not. Just there. Maybe one day, I could just go away as simply as I was just there.



Our babysitter, had come under serious questions of her practices and I presented an idea to my husband. For me to quite my job and stay at home with the kids. He was skeptical at first, I made a lot of money that he liked to spend. (I was only allowed access to money freely in front of people. I had learned to hide money during those times. My husband found my stashes and I was limited after that. No longer did he just hang on to my cash when it fell from my small pockets, he kept my money. During the day, he would come out and take from my pockets.) eventually, he liked the idea. Save money on babysitting and I convinced him that he would know everything I was doing all the time. I figured his controlling side would love that one. It worked.



During the last week of my two week notice, I had one of my bosses and a server come to ask me if my husband was abusing me. I refused to talk. Why would I trust these people that had been to bitter and hateful to me? Why would I attempt to have hope when they had been so convinced off of superficial things? No way. I wanted out and I wanted no way for my husband to get me back.



Over the next few years, things were some what peaceful. We filled for bankruptcy, (my ex loved lots of nice things), we moved in with friends and I had our second son. One time, my roommate seen my ex punch me in the stomach while I was pregnant. I called the police, anxious that I finally had a witness and I was finally free! Than I heard the ill fated words over again. “I don’t want to get involved.” I told her in return. “ Than don’t ask why I am the way I am. Not when everyone else wants to pretend they care and its my only way out! “ I told the police her response and I heard the same again. “ I am sorry mame, there is nothing we can do. It is his word against your word.” I said, “yeah yeah, heard before. Thank you bye.”



We moved south away from that dreaded city. My parents finally decided that something was not right about my husband. However, since it was my godly wife duty to honor my husband, they insisted he came too. So he did. Within a week of us living with them, my mom told me, “ Oh my god, he is just as bad as what you said he was.” I was bitter and angry than. “Really?? No shit mom? No fucking way!! You mean he LIED to you? After all, your daughter has always done crap like he claimed, right?” My mom was embarrassed and stammered. “ Of course you wouldn’t do that. I am sorry! However, after what your older sister did, I was hesitant.” I looked at her in disbelief  and said, “Awesome. I am not only being punished for being born and the daughter of my father. I am now being punished for what my sister does. Mom, I have never asked you for anything! Your grandson was hurt! I am your blood, your daughter and you couldn’t see anything different??” She blew me off and said, “ Do not be like that! I know I messed up, okay? No you have not ever asked for anything and I am sorry, alright?” Her words, form my childhood came back to mind. “You are alone and you always will be. You are just like him and you will never be like your sister! You will be nothing in life!”  I kept that in mind from then on. She was right, half way. I was alone and I will always be. I found out who my friends were and who were not. Including who my mom is. Again, I would never be good enough for her.



A few months later, my husband started wearing new cloths. Totally new style and younger look too. Than he started staying out, all the time. He would call and check if I was at home. He would show up randomly in grocery stores to check if I really was shopping. He even asked me to call him at his work and let him know how my son was doing. He had been sick. I insisted not to bother him and that he could call. He stated it was easier if I did because he would forget. So, I called him after our son’s dr. appointment.



He listened intently, saying uh huh or okay every now and than. I got done and started to tell him good bye. That is when my husband, went nuts again. Screaming things on the phone that didn’t even make sense. My response. “Who are you trying to convince? Who do you want believing in you fairy tales again?” He hung up. Soon, he left and moved in with someone. To pursue his other love interest. However, he break promises to his son and go months without seeing him I expected it. In fact, I had said four years before that he would leave this way and he would never let me leave. Try, explaining this to a five year old kid though. He had taken all the money, the care, etc. For the first time in my life, I was feeling, unstable. I found a reason to want my marriage? I fought for a week and than confessed what my intentions were. Hoping he would leave permanently. He took the house key. He kept coming by with his empty promises to the five year old. I grew tired again and knew he had hordes of people beefed up on his lies. People who wanted to hurt us again and all so that he could get what he wanted, for today.



I was watching a show on t.v. Not even really watching it. I was folding laundry and some talk show came on. The theme of that day’s show was the teddy bear nannies. The only thing I remember, was what they guest said on the show that day. “…these teddy bears, have hidden cameras and audio inside them. They are hidden, where no one else can see. So, you can watch what is happening at home with your children. You will see and hear what your sitter is doing, when no one else can see.” That last sentence, is high lighted for a special reason. I found hope again.



My ex came by, he wanted to tell me how he wanted a divorce and leave me. I said good. He acted shocked. He said that he feels he is better off with his new girl friend. I said, well what ever, I get what I have wanted for four almost five years now, right? He said that of course I would. He than tried telling me how he was going to take half the stuff, take the kids, not pay support and we would have a hush hush divorce. I laughed. Everything we owned, was mine before we got married. I told him a much different part.



“What you are going to get, is the car, I cant drive. The cd collection and a suitcase with his clothes in it. I told him, the kids? He has never been kind,, loving or really interested in. I was taking the kids and I would file for divorce through an attorney. Not a fly by night process.”



He said,” Yeah, I have not ever been interested in the kids. I sucked as a husband and 99% of the problems during our marriage was my own. Look how stable you are now. No job, No home. No car. Everyone knows how nuts you are since we worked together.”



I smiled, “That is because of you though. That is what you wanted them to believe. As for the rest, one year if that long. I will have a job, a car, a home, be in college and I will have my divorce. I am not like you. I don’t need others to believe. I know who I am, what I can do and what I have done.”



He smiled,” That’s right its because of me! I made damn sure NO ONE knew what I did to you. I made sure anyone who came near you was cut off. Otherwise they would have taken you away and I deserve the best. I made sure no one found out that you wanted to leave me and even tried! Dumb ass sheep we worked with! God, I thought I had lost you there for a little bit. I mean you really were gone inside. Hell, do you know how hard it is to get something out of your head? Once you made up your mind, it took me years crap. Hitting you was not your weakness though! Oh no! I knew what a loving wife I had! I knew how to make you do exactly what I wanted! Remember what I did to our son? Remember what I did to your friends? Remember your friend? Bet you would like him around!”



I was shocked that he would be so open in his display. Usually, it took arguing or something to happen for him to bring things up like that. Than flaunt it in my face. However, his little outburst was my ticket to freedom this time. “That is because what you convinced everyone of. What was it? I was weak. I really didn’t want to leave you. I was sooo in love with you. I was codependent. Oh favorite one, I only wanted to make you jealous. Which are things, I never do and you KNEW DIFFERENT! Right!?!”



He looked cocky and smiled wide. “Damn right I knew different. But you were not going to leave! I was not going to let you! You were mine and no one takes what is mine!”



I smiled arrogantly, which confused him greatly. “ That is because I couldn’t make you leave and I couldn’t find a place to go that was safe. Right? Pretty proud of yourself there! What a fucking man you are! Oh, by the way.” I reached underneath a table and produced a tape recorder. “ You should really watch what you are saying when your boasting of the abuse you have done.” His eye grew dark and he started to lung at me. I stepped back and continued. “Uh no no! You see, if you noticed, jackass, every window is open in this place. You step any closure to me? I will scream so loud the police will be hear in three seconds. Oh, plus, my mom is on the phone there. Pick it up. She has been listening the entire time. What you ARE going to do? You are going to give me the key to apartment. You ARE going to get the hell out of my life finally. You ARE going to face me in court. BTW, invite all those friends you have boasted about for years now. Invite them! Bring them in! I want to see their faces when they listen to your own mouth speaking about your BULLSHIT! I bet they will love the part about how they are “dumb ass sheep.” Especially after you led them to believe a much different version of the story and kept me silent to protect my son! GET OUT!!”



Just like that. I had found it. They key that I had searched for over four years long. He left the key and we parted ways. I moved shortly after, back to where everything began. I needed distance from him. I had some family in the area and I needed to get away quick.



After moving back. I had everything I promised him done in less than a year. We had to extend out the length of the divorce, because the address my soon to be ex-husband provided, was not any good. I had to fight with him on the phone to get a new address and he was served there. The only thing he was mad about than? I took my maiden back. Why? A statement. He took everything away from me. I am taking it back and I wanted no shame sharing his last name.



However, my new obstacles. Nightmares, anxiety attacks, fear and feeling dirty or sickened. The years of crap took its toll on me. I was terrified that I would wake up one morning and everything would be gone again. Nightmares, of the worst points of the abuse and reliving it. Dirty or sickened? Because, I could not handle the thought that someone could touch me now. I tried pushing myself past it, like I had always done. I was strong, capable and willing. The harder I tried, the worse it became. Always having these feelings that something horrible was going to happen again. I would be trapped. I refused to be trapped ever again.



A whirlwind of emotions, swirled around inside of herself. She clung to the letter and felt every word that was written.



Folding it and putting it away, she produced another page, from another envelope. Her pain filled expression, softened and she sighed lightly. Her finger caressed the upper part of the page and her mind drifted.



I wish it had been you, I had met before.

I wish things were different, but that is not the truth.

The truth is what happened and I had to leave sitting

I cannot change what happened and I hope  you never felt the same.

I was married. Regardless if he was good, bad, ugly, etc.

It does not matter. You were not planned and you came out of no where.

I remember, wishing I could have kissed your sorrows away.

But I did not. I will never regret what you ment to me.

I know you will regret ever meeting me. I can see it in your eyes.

I  will never admit to something I would never do.

I will say, I hope there is someone very special in your life.

I hope, you found a way to full fill every dream you ever had.

I hope that you have found love and that you wake up with a smile.

Because, that was the only thing that made me happy for years.

Knowing you could move on and yes, away from me.

You will always be in my prayers and you became in my families prayers.

I have my own page now, a clean page and I never have to wake up hoping that I never wake again!

You have no idea how awesome that feels.

I have almost enough credits to not only receive my associates in human services but maybe further.

Enough, credits yes, I just have not decided how far I will go.

It took, 7 years to allow someone to touch me again. I battled that one long and hard.

Now, I am with someone, who is really kind and understands what I went through.

My babies, are grown and almost grown.

I live far away and life is sweet.

The only regret I had with you and I.

I was not allowed to say goodbye the way I wanted.

I was not allowed to walk away from you with him punishing.

Forcing me to act in ways I would not. Making me do things, to keep my baby safe.

I am sorry if this mom hurt your feelings. But he was my baby and I was literally given an ultimatum.

I am proud of you and who you became, beyond that time. As for anything else, the last conversation we had that was real, was at the break table when you said your good bye. I agreed. After that, I had to push you away to keep you safe and my son. That sucks, holding on but pushing away. Protecting but being made to hurt. You will always be in my heart. Thank you.

She tucked the letter back in the envelope and she produces a lighter. Fire burns and cleanses. Wipes the page clean. After years of counseling, therapy, heart-ache, migraines, rashes, anxiety attacks, etc. She found her place to move on. Even when occasionally, she bumped into people from that time. Full of their convictions, that never included the other side of the story. Some admit to her asking for help, some not, some just ran around in circles and refused to understand. Who cares.



Her calm, her peace, was knowing for herself exactly what she said and what she did. Knowing that what was done to her, was something no human should have to live through. What you were, or she was, no longer matters. What she is matters so much even more so now. What you are, you are a good part of her memories in life