Three Duck Waddle

EXT. HOME - DAY
DRIVER
I don’t care what you believe. Leave me alone, I’m going for a drive!
Slam door to the house and abruptly walk to the truck.
INT. TRUCK - CONTINUOUS
Start truck and spin tires out of driveway.
CUT TO: TITLE
DRIVER
I can’t believe she thinks all I do is sit around and talk to myself.
PASSENGER
You do sit around and talk to yourself.
DRIVER
What do you mean? I don’t talk to myself.
PASSENGER
You are right now. I’m the person sitting in your truck and I am here to help you.
DRIVER
Are you my fairy god father?
PASSENGER
Do I look like a fairy god father to you? Do I have wings on my back? Am I holding a wand in my hand?
Hold wand up in left hand.
Okay so I have a wand in my hand. Still I am not your fairy god father.
DRIVER
What do you want with me?
PASSENGER
Well, you need to know how to get a woman the right way or what just happened to you will happen again. It’s the basic law of principles.
DRIVER
What principles?
PASSENGER
The principles laws of getting and keeping a woman. Don’t you know about the principles?
DRIVER
If I did I wouldn’t have asked now would I?
PASSENGER
I suppose not.
DRIVER
I really don’t know how you got in my truck.
PASSENGER
You really should stop fighting with her. Keeping the peace is one of the first principles you should maintain.
STOP THE TRUCK QUICKLY AND GET OUT OF THE DRIVERS SEAT. WALK AROUND TO PASSENGER SIDE AND OPEN THE PASSENGER DOOR.
DRIVER
Enough of these principles now get out.
PASSENGER
You don’t have to be so rude about it. I’ll stop talking about principle laws of women.
Passenger gets out of truck and stands out of shot. Driver walks back over to the drivers side and gets back in truck and drives away.
Passenger suddenly appears back in passenger seat.
PASSENGER (CONT’D)
So, where are we off too now?
DRIVER
How did you get back in my truck?
BACK SEAT
He just got in when you drove away. Didn’t you see it?
DRIVER
Who are you?
BACK SEAT
Well, I’m...
Driver raises hand.
DRIVER
Never mind. Don’t say it.
Back seat belches.
PASSENGER
You are disgustingly rude.
BACK SEAT
Doesn’t bother me none. How about you?
Back seat slams driver on the back.
DRIVER
All right that’s enough out of both of you.
PASSENGER
Admit it. It’s your fault for this thing in my ear (wiggle earring) and the blemish of a tatoo on my arm. If you had it your way we would be smoking that wrapped up cigar right now.
BACK SEAT
Don’t look at me he’s the one who won’t let me open it.
PASSENGER
That’s because women don’t like smoking.
BACK SEAT
Come on you don’t need this girl. All she is going to do is tie you down and make you into a couch potato.
PASSENGER
You don’t need her help with that you are already on your way to a successful career to couch potato-ing.
BACK SEAT
Listen to me, a girl is only good for fetching your slippers and making you dinner after a long day at work. Just remember you have to work those long days because of the extra mouth you have to feed.
PASSENGER
Don’t listen to him. You need to say something like, “Look through yonder window breaks, it is the east and Joliet the sun.”
BACK SEAT
Poetry?
PASSENGER
Not poetry Shakespeare. Every woman likes Shakespeare.
BACK SEAT
That’s where you are wrong because she is a tomboy. You know TOM BOY.
PASSENGER
I got it, flowers and candy.
DRIVER
No, she doesn’t really like flowers.
BACK SEAT
Yeah, and the candy will make her fat. (Belch)
PASSENGER
You are impossible.
DRIVER
Can both of you calm down so I can think? I would really appreciate it if you would keep quiet.
PASSENGER
(Humph)
BACK SEAT
Reaches from the back to play with the radio.
PASSENGER
Slaps the hand of the Back Seat person.
What are you doing? You heard him he wanted you to be silent.
BACK SEAT
Well, I would like a little music. I can’t stand listening to you breath for more then a few seconds of my life.
PASSENGER
That’s longer then I can stand being around you.
DRIVER
You keep talking about me arguing, you should listen to yourselves. It’s been going on since you sat in my truck.
Silence
PASSENGER
He’s right.
BACK SEAT
About what?
PASSENGER
You argue too much about everything.
BACK SEAT
Being around you anyone would argue.
PASSENGER
Are you going to make the commitment to her?
DRIVER
Who me? I really don’t know what you are talking about.
BACK SEAT
Yeah you do. Admit it you want to get cooped up in a prison sentence for the rest of your life never being able to be free to choose any other women in your life. All you will be with is just the woman.
DRIVER
That doesn’t sound so bad does it?
PASSENGER
No it’s not.
BACK SEAT
It depends on your perspective.
HOUSE
PASSENGER (O.S.)
Ah, free the spirit and the mind and true love will fall behind.
BACK SEAT
You never been in love in your life.
PASSENGER
Yes I have, one time. Well, we weren’t really in love.
BACK SEAT
I know, I was there. Come on I will buy you a drink.
PASSENGER
I don’t drink.
BACK SEAT
Then I don’t mind if you watch me drink before the wedding.
WEDDING
Two people walk down the isle dressed the same. One with a top hat on and the other with a veil over their head. Music will be played for the wedding.
Camera from behind preacher looks into the face of person with top hat on, it’s the person from the back seat with the cigar in his mouth.
Camera from behind preacher looks into the face of person with veil on, it’s the passenger holding the wand. Picks up veil and winks at the camera.