What Were They Thinking

What Were They Thinking

         Garden City’s finest recently arrested two men on felony grand theft charges. The number of counts is still pending. After reading the Idaho Statesman article, I feel compelled to nominate these two foresight lacked idiots for the ignominious award of Idaho’s Stupidest Criminals.
These two brain cell deprived masterminds hatched an enterprising plan of thievery. One that they no doubt assumed would fit into their lifestyles of avoiding honest work at all cost, allows for freedom from restrictions and confines, and of course rewards them lucratively. All of that delivered from a machine that deals in quarters. Brilliant. "How that work out for you guys?"
         Somehow, I cannot overlook the absolute absence of pre-planning, logic, and reality on their part. I do however, give them kudos for their dim-witted and unwavering perseverance in a business construct that was destined to fall, and apparently fall by the roadside. Highway 21 to be exact.
         Now this pair of dough-heads was caught red-handed unloading one of 17 stolen Idaho Statesman coin operated newspaper boxes stolen throughout the Treasure Valley. Four they carried up into their home. Many others they are suspected of unloading and rolling down the hills off Hwy 21. Heavy work without a doubt and I am sure these two chuckleheads welcomed the break provided by the Garden City P.D. After all those boxes weigh way a lot, BECAUSE they are designed to be immoveable by friend, foe and extreme weather conditions of all sorts.
         Undeterred by the obvious, our infamous I.S.C nominees decided that this was their way into the fabled financial Promised Land. The odds of these two knot-heads hitting seventeen machines on a sold out day is unlikely, demonstrated by the lack of luck that led to their arrest. If they had had any luck at all, they would have hitched a ride to Jackpot, NV and played penny slots. They would have had more fun and made more money, and not be the current butt of jokes from citizenry and criminals alike.
         Now for the math of this infamous enterprise, I guess that the average box might hold around 30 papers daily. At a buck apiece, that’s $30 on a banner day. At 17 boxes that’s a maximum cash windfall of $510 before operating costs and expenses. Let’s just limit this to the obvious, transportation, fuel and operating costs. I can only assume from the article that truck mentioned is some clapped out relic that consumes more oil and gas than a drunk does on his first day back from a dry state.
         So let’s be generous and say they got about 12 mpg and only one quart of liquid dinosaur every 200 miles. From the article, they scoured the Valley regularly. They would have to first locate the machines, perhaps during daylight hours, then go back at night to steal them. At least two round trips past Lucky Peak Dam from Garden City, almost 100 miles at about an average 3 bucks a gallon. There’s $25 for gas and let’s throw in a $4 can of oil for them. That leaves a monetary windfall of $481. Then we have the location and theft trips. Let’s figure these two 'rocket scientist' locate four and boost two a night since that’s all they could carry in one pick up load without them being upright and drawing attention. I figure they averaged about 20 miles round trip after they had to start traveling further and further away to continue this stupidity. That adds 8.5 trips or 170 miles if they are efficient, unlikely. Minus another $42.50 and they are down to $438.50.
         Now they‘re going to have a few necessary operating expenses; lot’s cigarettes to calm the nerves, snacks, and of course energy drinks, since they have to be up all night. Let’s assume the best for them, (yeah sure.) and stick with the legal kind, about 2 bucks a pop, and times it all by two for each trip. After all, they are close business partnership, thick as thieves so to speak, fair’s fair, and it's 50-50.
         Therefore, for all the road trip supplies, figure about 12 bucks apiece which totals $204. Our illegal and mathematically deficient entrepreneurs now stand to gain $234.50 for eight and a half work shifts, or $3.45 an hour in a stressful occupation with a rather poor retirement program.
         After a hard night’s work of thieving, paranoia, lifting, and eluding, it’s time to relax, unwind, and live the good life. So let’s not forget their beer and pizza in their home office\warehouse. Make it delivery, after all you can’t expect them to go pick it up since they’ve been driving all night casing neighborhoods, lifting heavy objects, stealing people’s property not to mention, dodging the cops. That’s stressful baby! These guys need to relax!
         So,let's figure beer and pizza at about $40 a night, again times 8.5, or $340 and now costs these two economic geniuses a total of $105.50 out of pocket! Not to mention; fines, approximately $12,000 in restitution for damages, and substantial jail time. What were they thinking?