Beef Stew

Honorable Mention winner in Round 101 of "Invalid Item" .


There once was a butler
who sat down to supper
his place at the head of the table.

The chauffeur had stayed
and the kitchen maid
would serve them as best she was able.

“But what is this goo?
I want my beef stew,”
said the butler in an uproar.

The cook much dismayed,
to her helper relayed
to chuck the contents to the floor.

“I do say, good madam,
that I cannot fathom
your actions before me right now!”

“And dare I say then
to please you is akin
to sew purses from ears of a sow!”

“Enough of this nonsense!
Tidy up this instance
if you know what is good for you!”

“Though you are bemused,
I most happily refuse
and I’ll take my leave at morning’s dew.”

“But who’s to assist
in the great catalyst
of St. Patrick’s Day feast for the house?”

“But what do I care?
I’m no longer there.
And dare I say, sir, you’re a louse!”

“Well good God in Heaven,
I’ve never been spoken
to thusly by one who’s a cook!”

“I can’t say I’m sorry,
but my, what such folly
to work with the likes of a crook!”

“Of what are you talking?
You must stop that squawking
before my lord hears all this fuss.”

“I welcome it, sir,
as I love a good stir.
My lord ought to know who to trust.”

“And again must I say
that the St. Patrick’s Day
feast for the family is a ruin.”

The cook looked about her,
then sat down beside her
kitchen maid, already a shoo-in.

“I will say, moreover,
that a four-leaf clover
is a most mighty good luck charm.”

The cook most pleased with herself
produced from the far shelf
a box, while causing alarm.

“No, no, this will not do,
now back to my beef stew.
I’m almost to ring dressing gong.”

“I will only help you
if you will admit you
have always been deep in the wrong.”

“Though I might like to spar,
that is going too far.
Be gone before it turns to autumn.”

She turned around to go,
and the butler would throw
his foot – down she went on her bottom.