A Rehersal Of...

A Rehearsal of: "The Most Lamentable Tragic Tragedy of the Tragic Bank Robbery of the Sulfer's Big Bank, and the most Lamentable Tragic Tragedy of the Death of the Ingenious Detective Miller

At Rise: A bank counter, chair, and piano

BANK ROBBER, CLERK, DETECTIVE, MUSICIAN, and DIRECTOR come on stage, carrying props and set pieces. Clerk wears a pajama hat on her head.

DIRECTOR:
All right, everyone! Our performance of...

The Director takes out his script.

DIRECTOR:
(Reading)
"The Most Lamentable Tragic Tragedy of the Tragic Bank Robbery of the Sulfer's big bank, and the most Lamentable Tragic Tragedy of the Death of the Ingenious Detective Miller." (Beat) Anyway, its tomorrow! We must do our best and do as much as possible! Places!

The play starts. Clerk sorts some money while Musician plays a rather out-of-place tune. Bank Robber creeps fearfully up to the bank counter and the music changes to a happy tune.

BANK ROBBER:
Um, would you please, um, give me all your...money?

CLERK:
No!

Clerk whips Bank Robber with her hat.

DIRECTOR:
What are you guys doing? Clerk,you are supposed to be all, you know, scared and whatnot! He has a gun, you know!

CLERK:
But I have my hat.

Director snatches the hat from Clerk, and a catfight ensues. Clerk eventually knocks Director to the ground and takes her hat back, petting it as if it were a kitten. Director rubs his arm and stands up.

DIRECTOR:
Fine, keep your stupid hat. (Beat) And Robber! You are supposed to be really intimidating, not hesitating like a frightened goose! Places!

The play starts again. Musician plays a contemporary pop song as Bank Robber dramatically sneaks into the bank. He mimes breaking down a door as Musician plays overly-happy music.

BANK ROBBER:
GIVE MY ALL YOUR MONEY!

CLERK:
Eeep...

Detective walks to center stage.

DETECTIVE:
(Monotone)
Hmm, I wonder who could have done this atrocious crime.

DIRECTOR:
Seriously guys? Detective Miller, you are five minutes ahead of your cue! It is "We need Detective Miller." And Robber, tone it down a little, would ya? I know I told you to be more intimidating, but at that level, you look ridiculous! Everyone, try taking it a little slower this time. Places!

The play starts again in slow motion, including the music.

BANK ROBBER:
Give...me...all...your...money.

CLERK:
...Help...

DIRECTOR:
Stop! Stop! Stop! Can you guys maybe go a little faster, and with some actual predictability? Places!

The play starts once again.

BANK ROBBER:
Um... I like your hat.

CLERK:
Um, yeah, it is very pretty, Thank you.

BANK ROBBER:
Yes, pretty, and... floppy... and distracting to boot. Speaking of distracting... um... what's my line?

DIRECTOR:
Come on! You didn't forget your lines the first three times we ran this play! (mumbling) These actors are worthless.

BANK ROBBER:
Excuse me?

DIRECTOR:
Nothing, nothing. (Beat) Fine, your line is "Give me all your money." (Aside) I mean, its about as cliched as they get.

BANK ROBBER:
Give me all your money!

An awkward silence ensues.

CLERK:
...oh! Uh...Help!

Director throws his hands up and storms out of the room.

DIRECTOR:
You guys just can't get it!

DETECTIVE:
Was it something I said?

MUSICIAN:
Um, this isn't America in Paris, is it?

The other actors look at Musician and shake their heads.

MUSICIAN:
I'm mortified.

End of Short Drama