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Comedy about an 8” tall guy made of clay, living in a world with normal people. |
| FADE IN: INT. APARTMENT BUILDING- NIGHT JOE MARJELE, a man in his mid 20s, walks in to elevator of building. Joe finds himself surrounded by four Moon Brothers, brothers who all look alike as if they were twins but are not, are standing around Joe on the elevator. JOE What's up guys? MOON ONE Hey. MOON TWO Hello. MOON THREE How you doing? MOON FOUR Sup fool. JOE Four please, so John, you guys going to Fil's welcome back party? MOON TWO (from behind) Joe, I'm John. Joe turns around. JOE Oh, right! John. MOON ONE I'm Anthony. MOON FOUR I might go. Joe turns around. JOE (TO HIMSELF) He's not Anthony and he's not John. (guessing) Peter! MOON FOUR Ralph! JOE Damn it! Look guys I don't want any trouble. INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS Joe enters and walks toward DAVE DELLATRO, a man in his mid 20's who is serving guests. DAVE Joe, just in time. You want to... JOE I just got off the elevator with four Moons. DAVE The Moon brothers. They touch you? JOE How can they look alike and not be twins? What if one of them jumped me? I wouldn't be able to identify him. DAVE All right it's nothing! Fil's gonna be here any minute, go shmooze a little. A ROD SERLING LOOK-ALIKE stands in an unoccupied spot and addresses the audience. ROD SERLING A portrait of two men at a party, species human. Enter the Moon Brothers species unknown. Tonight you'll be a part of an investigative team. Ever hear of finding a needle in a haystack, tonight's mission will be more difficult. You'll have to identify a Moon brother. Challenging? Yes. Impossible? Damn near. But if there's one thing you MUST pay attention to, it's... Serling goes flying into the wall as FIL comes in. FIL is an eight-inch tall person made of clay, in his 30's, who in a small way resembles Mr. Bill but is bald and has a goatee. Fil is one of many in a race of clay people who live among normal humans. PARTY ATTENDEE ONE Hey, Fil, there's the man himself! PARTY ATTENDEE TWO How was the vacation? PARTY ATTENDEE THREE You look great Fil! PARTY ATTENDEE FOUR Did you bring us anything? PARTY ATTENDEE FIVE I'm in the wrong house. Excuse me. FIL Well don't just stand there get my bags. Dave goes in hallway and comes back with two large heavy bags. Joe is sitting with three acquaintances. PUSSYCAT, a tall, slender black male in his early 40's. His hair is tightly slicked back and looks as if it's the wet look. He is homeless and talks like a beatnik from the ghetto. HARRY, an eight-inch tall clay person. TILT, a homeless short-stock black male who has a back problem. His back is tilted rearward permanently and walks with a tilt, hence his nickname "TILT." PUSSYCAT Get out daddio! JOE I'm telling you I was surrounded. One more floor they would have had me. They were closing in on all sides. Two from the right two from the left. HARRY Did they touch you? PUSSYCAT Cat, I'm at the corner of Bromfield and Tremont asking for change when Moon come walking over. I say Moon can you spare a quarter. He gave me a fifty cents half piece. Twenty minutes later. I'm in Burger Bastard getting me a big muc when I see Moon in line, I say "thanks Moon I be getting me some lunch." He say "piss off!" Damn that mother Moon that created them! She so ugly you need a silver bullet to kill that bitch. Tilt is clipping his toenails. LINO, a man in his mid 40's, who's stuck in 70's fashions and looks like Gary Shandling, is standing mid-room having a drink. Tilt's toenail blasts through the air and hits Lino in the back of the head causing him to grab the breast of the woman in front of him. LINO Hey! Oh! Hey! Woman slaps Lino. LINO (CONT'D) Oh! Hey! Oh! Dave, Fil and Lana are sitting together. LANA is a weathered looking, older woman who is a waitress at J.L's Worst Restaurant where Fil, Dave and Joe hang out. FIL You know that disgusting airplane food that's so slimy and rubbery, a starved rat wouldn't eat it? DAVE Oh yeah, yeah. LANA Just awful. Fil pushes over a suitcase in Dave and Lana's direction. FIL Well I brought you some. DAVE All right! Alitalia! I love Italian. LANA My favorite! The lasagna's the best. SHOT - BACKGROUND: THE PARTY ATTENDEES ARE SEGREGATED INTO STEREOTYPICAL GROUPS: A GROUP OF RICH SNOBS, GHETTO HOMIES, SNOTTY WOMEN AND KKK FOLLOWERS. THE RICH GROUP HAS A RED VELVET ROPE AROUND THEM, ANOTHER RICH SNOB GETS ALLOWED IN, ONE GETS TURNED AWAY. DAVE So how was the trip? FIL You should have seen the lovelies down there. Joe joins the group. JOE Welcome back. And surprisingly he has no tan. Amazing! How does he do it? FIL Well I worked on more indoor activities if you know what I mean. (nudging Dave with elbow) JOE So you jerked off for a month. So where in Florida were you? DAVE I thought you were in Mexico? FIL Yeah, Joe where'd you get Florida from? JOE Now it's Mexico! All right, where in Mexico did you go? FIL Umm...Nuevo Laredo. It's a little town no one's ever heard of. JOE I've heard of it. FIL I went to this bar that's in the middle of no where. Very hard to find. You should've seen me, I was the life of the party! I was doing the Macarena, the Lemon Merengue! They were giving me free drinks all night. Even the owner there loved me. JOE What was it called? FIL I think it was called...uh...El Diablo. JOE El Diablo, I know the guy who own's the place. Pablo right? I was gonna call him tomorrow, I'll mention your name. FIL Did I say El Diablo? It was IL Diablo. Get it right! Lino walks by. LINO Hey Fil how was Bermuda? FIL Whoa!...Would you look at those melons. NANCY, a woman in her 20's, is a guest at the party. She is good looking and well dressed. Nancy covers up her big double "D" breasts. FIL (CONT'D) I didn't know there was tropical fruit here. A guest reaches for the melons next to Nancy. Fil walks over to her. Door knock is heard. SHOT - BACKGROUND: A member of the ghetto homies puts on a loud rap song. The rich snob who wasn't allowed in earlier becomes an instant hit when he starts break-dancing likes it's nobody's business. JOE Hey listen I got to get going. I got the night shift. The music quiets down. Lana answers door. TOM, a security guard in his early 20's is standing there. TOM Building security, we got a report of a noise complaint. (TO DAVE) Dellatro get over here. Joe is walking out. Dave makes his way over to Tom. TOM (CONT'D) Marjele I got my eye on you, better watch your step. JOE Tom, stop trying to hit on me. I told you, I'm straight. TOM Dellatro this is the second call I've gotten tonight about the noise. DAVE You're damn right we called you a second time! Those creeps on the floor above us keep playing their damn rap music like they're at an Eminem concert!...Well, now that you're here they've stopped. Thanks Tom, see yah. TOM You mean your parent's apartment. DAVE What you trying to say? My folks ain't down with Dre? (beat) You want to come in? I'll get you a drink. I make a mean Kamikaze. TOM Not while I'm on duty, Officer Tom Sandoni on duty, on duty. Tom flashes his badge quickly. DAVE That's not a real badge, let me see it again, that's a chocolate badge! Tom flashes the badge again and Dave grabs at it. They struggle. TOM Stop it! DAVE Let me see it! TOM Stop you're melting it! I mean you're assaulting an officer! Tom very noticeably hits the play button on a large tape recorder attached to his waist. TAPE RECORDING (V.O.) Code 99 all units needed, riot in the lobby! TOM You're so lucky I've got an emergency. (into his radio) This is officer Sandoni, responding to the code 99. Back up on its way. SHOT - TOM GETTING OFF THE ELEVATOR AND WALKING THROUGH THE LOBBY WHERE AN ACTUAL RIOT IS TAKING PLACE. TOM Ah shit. SHOT - BACK TO PARTY. Fil is talking to Nancy. FIL What'd you say your name was? NANCY I didn't but you should know me, I live down the hall. FIL Oh yeah, yeah. Looking good, where you from? NANCY I'm originally from New Zealand. FIL New Zealand, is that near Greenland? NANCY No. FIL No, of course not. Why would it be. What was I thinking. ...So ...what kind of governmental legislature is in operation in... NANCY Stop wasting your time. I'm not interested. FIL Once you go clay you never go back tootz! NANCY I have been clay for your information. And I did go back. FIL Touche ... You like melons? INT. NURSING HOME HALLWAY - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS LUCY, an elderly patient, is screaming. LUCY Owen! Owen! Joe is attending an old man on a walker named BUCK. JOE Mary, can you take care of her? MARY, a nurse, in her 30's is busy playing Grand Theft Auto, mowing down old people with a flame thrower. MARY Not right now, can you? Joe runs the length of the hallway to tend to Lucy. JOE (catching his breath) What is it?! LUCY Owen! JOE You thirsty?! LUCY Owen! JOE You hungry, What is it this time?! Joe sees Buck falling and rushes back to him. Lucy continues screaming. JOE (CONT'D) Buck! Buck falls over into a meal cart and lands on the floor. BROOKS another male elderly patient begins counting like a boxing referee. BROOKS (speaking through a voice box) 6, 7, 8. Joe helps Buck to his feet. Buck heads into his room. JOE (TO BROOKS) You could've helped him. BROOKS A standing eight count. If he falls again today it's a TKO. JOE (lowering his voice) Twenty-five says he goes down again before bed-time. BROOKS The usual twenty-five it is! Joe walks down the hall. BROOKS (O.S.) (CONT'D) Hey Buck! Come here, keep still, I don't want you falling. Joe enters MR. HEATH'S room. MR. HEATH is a patient at the nursing home. He is lying on his bed suffering in pain. MR. HEATH Oh the agony! How long does this enema have to stay up my ass?! Get some Drano! I'm closed here! JOE What enema? We've got you diagnosed with an ear infection. MR. HEATH Oh it's unbearable! Take it out! Take it out! (beat) Not an enema? Mr. Heath searches his backside and finds a lady's evening shoe. MR. HEATH (CONT'D) I've been here two weeks and no one noticed this? I was naked in the shower the other day and no one said nothing. MR. LYLE, also a patient at the nursing home, is lying down in a bed next to MR. HEATH'S. MR. LYLE I've been looking for that. Mr. Lyle is wearing the other shoe. MR. LYLE (CONT'D) You've worked fifty years for the FBI Missing Persons Division and you couldn't locate a shoe up your ass? Mr. Heath throws the shoe aside and tries to get up. MR. HEATH That's it! I'm getting up! Joe, go cut me a switch! (to Mr. Lyle) If I get up I'll kill yah! Mr. Lyle laughs at Mr. Heath but starts to lose his breath. He grabs his oxygen mask. JOE Enough! Enough! Joe makes a hand-shadow. The two men are scared frozen. The simple hand shadow is a perfect rendition of the grim reaper complete with sickle. MR. HEATH AND MR. LYLE (O.S.) Aahh! SHOT - BACKGROUND: Brooks walks by the door pushing Buck along who's tied to an I.V. pole on a two-wheeler. Joe puts down the hand shadow. MR. LYLE (mockingly) Huh, FBI. JOE FBI Mr. Heath? MR. HEATH Yes, for many years I identified over 500 of the world's most notorious criminals. (gesturing with his hands) I was this close to finding out bigfoot's real name. JOE You can identify anyone? MR. HEATH Anyone. JOE Anyone? MR. HEATH (shouting) Anyone! You deaf? JOE (COUNTING ON HIS HANDS) Hmm, so let's say that there were four...six...let's say a lot of identical brothersÉ you'd be able to tell them apart and identify each one separately? MR. HEATH You ever hear of Jack the Ripper? JOE (enthusiastically) Yeah. MR. HEATH (taking out a notebook) Well who is it? I've been trying to crack this case for years. Joe gets up as if to leave. JOE Well this ain't going nowhere. MR. HEATH Wait! Wait! I can help you. JOE Tell me more old man. MR. HEATH Well I got a friend downtown and I... (lowers his voice to a whisper) Joe leans over and Mr. Heath whispers into his ear. MR. HEATH (CONT'D) (screams into Joe's ear) And furthermore! INT. FIL'S APARTMENT - MORNING Dave is cleaning the apartment from the night before. Nancy exits Fil's bedroom and leaves the apartment, she is disarrayed. Rod Serling leaves the apartment holding his head. Fil comes out of the bedroom. FIL (drunkenly) I told you "once you go clay." Fil, hung over, falls flat on his face. DAVE Remember last night when I said someone must've spiked the punch? FIL Yeah? DAVE It was you wasn't it? FIL Dave I'm appalled. In all the years you've known me have I ever... DAVE Was it you?! FIL Of course it was! DAVE Well then my friend it looks like you suffer from a classic case of 'double strength' spiked punch. I juiced the punch before you showed up. Fil is impressed. Then throws up on the rug. Fil sits down and starts to feel better. FIL Oh look at me, what have I become? DAVE A drunken slob. In other words, you're the same old you. FIL No it's not that. My life's not going anywhere. I'm doing all the wrong things. Why is it so hard? DAVE Well you just came from a long vacation. Getting back to real life and responsibilities takes a little time. FIL Dave, I didn't go to Canada. DAVE Mexico. FIL Mexico... You don't understand. I didn't go on vacation. I was working off a debt to an Indian Chinese. DAVE You were betting on cockfights again...I thought that was you a couple of weeks ago in that clay bar! FIL Oh what am I gonna do? I'm in a hole here. I got no money...and what were you doing in a clay bar?! DAVE Don't deviate from the point! This isn't about me and besides, I was just passing through!...Although, there was this nice clay chic who was checking me out. What a set of cantaloupes on her... FIL We were talking about me. DAVE Oh yeah, look dude you're in a hole because... you blew all your money. You need some money? FIL Actually, since you brought it up... DAVE I wasn't offering, I was just wondering. Hmm, what you need is something that'll give you an income. Something that will pay you for doing services for other people. FIL Like a job? DAVE That's it! FIL You haven't worked in four years. DAVE Again! We deviate from the point! ... Anyways I'm still collecting. That mail-cart could've killed me. FIL You've been collecting for four years...isn't that a long time? DAVE I don't know? INT. APARTMENT ACROSS THE STREET - MORNING Shot of a Private Investigator snapping candid photos of Dave from a window across the street in an attempt to see if he is committing worker's compensation fraud. A fly buzzes around the PI's head. He knocks it out with one punch. INT. FIL'S APARTMENT - MORNING Scene returns to the shot of Fil and Dave conversing. DAVE Why don't you collect cans? I know a couple of bums that make an excellent living at it. FIL (pissed off) That's it! I'm gonna clean up my act, I'm gonna get a job and become a responsible member of society. I'll pay taxes!...if I have to. DAVE You're gonna work? FIL Yeah work. My mother didn't raise no slacker. When I was young my mother use to say "Fil, make me proud you're my only son. Now get out of bed you lazy son of a bitch! It's 9 am, you're late for school! It's gonna be five across the eyes!" Dave tries to calm Fil down. DAVE Easy there, easy! You know how worked up you get. OK, so what do you think you want to do? Fil's attention focuses on a toy fire truck commercial. FIL A fireman. DAVE There you go! A fire...wait a second, you can't be a fireman. Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be... FIL A fireman it is! Fil walks out the door, head up high. INT. FIRE STATION - DAY Music is playing. Firemen are doing a sexy photo shoot for their calendar. One fireman is coming down the fire pole. Another fireman is holding a hose between his legs in a sexual manner. Water is spraying on men who are running through it like swimsuit models. A photographer is snapping pictures. Fil coughs to get their attention. The music suddenly stops. PHOTOGRAPHER OK Take five people, chop! Chop! FIL (TO THE GROUP OF FIREMEN) I'd like to be a fireman. All the firemen laugh hysterically at Fil. FIREMAN 1 (In a serious tone) When can you start? INT. DAVE'S APARTMENT - DAY The phone rings. LELLA, Dave's mother, picks it up. Dave is in the bathroom and his aunts are in the kitchen. LELLA (heavy Italian accent) Ah low (hello) WOMAN CALLER (V.O.) Hi, is Mr. Dave Dellatro there please? I'm calling from Central Bank. I'd like to discuss his account. Dave is seen struggling in the bathroom. LELLA (TO BATHROOM DOOR) Dave the phone for you. DAVE Hold on, I'll be right out. CONTINUING TO STRUGGLE, DAVE SPLASHES WATER ON HIS FACE, POURS WHISKEY INTO A SHOT GLASS AND BELTS IT DOWN THE HATCH. LELLA (TO WOMAN CALLER) He be right with you. (TO DAVE) Dave! DAVE (biting on a towel for extra oomph) Hold on damn it! WOMAN CALLER (V.O.) Ma'am, I can just call back. LELLA No, you wait, he's just a little clogged. He have this problem sometime. Too much the bad food he eat. I make the pasta he eat the greasy Kentucky Fry. What he needs is a nice girl. You gotta the boyfriend? Lella tries to open the bathroom door thrusting the phone through the opening. LELLA (TO DAVE) (CONT'D) Dave, hurry up! DAVE No! I don't want it! LELLA There's a girl on the phone! (TO WOMAN CALLER) I tell him "eat the bran you need more fiber." Now he struggle to hang the rat, choke the chicken, whatever he do in there. Dave's aunt is screaming Italian obscenities from the kitchen. Lella drops the phone to run into the kitchen. WOMAN CALLER (V.O.) Hello! Hello! Dave, frustrated, quits his "task" and runs out of the apartment to Fil's apartment below. INT. FIL'S BATHROOM - DAY Dave is sitting quietly on the toilet in Fil's bathroom when the phone rings. Fil keeps a phone in his bathroom. Curiously Dave picks it up. LELLA (V.O.) Dave why you go to Fil's house? Hold on I gotta the girl on line two. INT. FIL'S LIVING ROOM - DAY Dave comes out of the bathroom, sits on the couch and turns on the TV. TV (O.S.) And now we return to "Fisticuff Nuns." SHOT - TV PROGRAM DAVE'S WATCHING- A NUN WALKS INTO THE CLASSROOM, OPEN-HANDED SLAPS A KID ON THE WAY IN, THROWS A DESK, AND BREAKS A RULER OFF A KID'S HEAD. NUN My name is Sister Merciless. If I get any lip out of you, you and I are gonna go Queensbury-style behind the dumpster! Fil walks into the apartment charred as if in a fire. Fil walks past Dave who is dumbfounded by the sight of Fil. FIL Don't answer the door. A knock is heard at the door. Fil walks into the bedroom. Dave answers it and is overwhelmed by starving reporters in search of a story. SHOT - A MICROPHONE IN DAVE'S FACE. REPORTERS (O.S.) Is it true you burnt down the fire station? How did the blaze start? Do you know the estimated damage stands at 8 million dollars? You could be looking at five to ten years in prison. Your friends say you'll never last, what's your come back? Do you always sweat this profusely? If a fish and a half cost a cent an a half, how much do ten fish cost? Why is the sky blue? Dave turns to look for Fil and discovers himself on live TV news. He looks at the reporters and back to the TV in disbelief. The caption "arsonist" appears under his name on the TV. Dave screams. Shot fades out to the sound of fire engines. FADE OUT END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO FADE IN INT. RESTAURANT - EVENING Dave and Fil are sitting having dinner at J.L's Worst Restaurant. Dave is giving Fil an angry stare. FIL I don't know how it started. I think it could've been electrical. Fil lights his cigar with a huge two-foot flame from his lighter. Joe comes over. JOE Hey! (TO FIL) Scoot over and put that out, before they call the fire department. DAVE Yeah! Try calling the fire department, see if anyone's there. JOE Listen, I got a tip on the Moons. MR. Heath, you know MR. Heath right? He worked Missing Persons for the FBI for 50 years. He got me a lead down at FBI headquarters. DAVE MR. Heath?...You know that guy has a shoe up his ass? JOE How do you know? DAVE How can you miss it. Lana, the waitress, comes over to take drink orders. She is carrying over a plate of appetizers. LANA Lino sent this. Lana puts down the plate of appetizers. Lino, from inside the kitchen, yells his hellos to the guys. LINO (like Rodney Dangerfield) Aaaaaaaaay! FIL, DAVE AND JOE (TO LINO) in unison) Ohhhhhhhhh! FIL (TO LANA) Another round of drinks for all. LANA (TO DAVE) And what are you having Dave, a Shirley Temple? DAVE What are you trying to say; I can't handle my liquor? As Lana leaves she writes down the order in her note-pad. LANA (TO HERSELF) Two beers and a virgin Pina-colada. JOE Yeah! He was once an FBI agent. He put me in contact with someone in the D.C. Office. DAVE All this for the Moons? The FBI's not gonna help you. JOE They said they'll get in touch with me. Think about it, we'll finally be able to tell them apart. FIL Who cares about the Moons? As long as they don't touch me. JOE Fil, you don't understand. The Moons are as mysterious as Bigfoot...Yeti...Sasquatch. If the world were to end today there would be cockroaches and Moons left. The Private Investigator from earlier is sitting across the room and snaps a picture of Dave with an old 19th century still camera with the gun-powder style flash. JOE (CONT'D) So what's up with you guys? DAVE Well let me tell you what happened to me today. This son of a bit... FIL So Joe! Can you get me a job? I'll do anything! Except lifting, typing, standing for extended periods, running of errands, note taking, or any other physical or mental labor. JOE Oh no! I'm not getting involved with this again. Remember when I hooked you up with Frank at the bank. FIL Frank at the bank? Joe, I just want to say that that guy said some very vicious things about you. He said you were unskilled, incompetent, and ignorant. I said "sir, anyone who talks about my friend in that way, I would never work for" and that he could keep his damn job. JOE He told me you never showed up! FIL Oh that Frank! DAVE Don't worry he'll get a job. FIL Oh forget it! Maybe I'll just stay home and live off the fat of the land. DAVE Don't say that. Living off the fat of the land is for the weak. And YOU, you are not weak! A little moronic but definitely not weak. You my friend will find that job, even if it kills you. You have to go to work. We all have to go to work, why, because this is America. Dave begins to stand. The Battle Hymn of the Republic starts playing in the background and slowly builds. Lana, who was in the midst of mixing Dave's drink, suddenly stops to watch and listen. DAVE (CONT'D) The "American Dream", to work for some slob who's only ambition in life is to become the boss of some shit company with employees working for it who couldn't care less whether you live or die! To have a job where you get all the benefits. Benefits like healthcare, where you report to the emergency room cause some asshole was too busy on his cell-phone to keep his eyes on the road and plowed his mail-cart right over you like Rosie O'Donnell at an all-you-can-eat buffet, only to find out you have to fill out ten forms and have a referral from your primary doctor or they'll leave you in the waiting room until your broken hip heals itself. People start gathering around Dave. One guy in the back holds up his lighter in praise. DAVE (CONT'D) Benefits like 401K. Where you put twenty or thirty percent of your hard earned money into a fund for forty to fifty years so you can retire with a million dollars at the age of sixty-five. A million dollars that will be worth a million cents because by the time you retire inflation will have sunk the value of today's money like the iceberg that sunk the Titanic. Benefits like two weeks paid vacation. Two weeks off which is just enough time to mow the lawn, fix the car, re-pave the driveway and build an addition on the house. My aren't they generous! And what are we doing the other FIFTY weeks per year? Oh that's right, WORKING! Working day and night, night and day. PEOPLE from off the street come in and join the crowd. The Battle Hymn of the Republic is in full force. DAVE (CONT'D) Never getting a good night's sleep because we have to get up at 5:30 a.m. to be at work by nine and stay until six, five out of seven days a week. Talk about a gross imbalance of work versus play and the injustice of receiving a paycheck only to give it back in taxes. And we have to kiss everybody's ass just to get the job. Jobs where you'd rather be shoveling SHIT because the boss gives you enough work-load to keep the United States Army busy for the next ten years, but you have to have it done by next week. That's right Fil, we're ALL working stiffs. JOE But you're not working. DAVE Again! We deviate from the point! (TO FIL) Now go out there and get yourself a back-breaking, mind-numbing, stress producing, humiliating job that pays you just enough money to rub two nickels together like the rest of us, YOU FOOL! FIL I'll do it! Fil walks out of the restaurant feeling good about himself. DAVE (in tears) That's my boy. EXT. RANCH - DAY Fil approaches a WORKER who is shoveling horse manure. FIL Hello sir, I'm here to apply for... WORKER FUCK OFF! FIL Well you didn't have to say it like that! ...You FUCKIN' BASTARD! Fil walks away. INT. DAVE'S APARTMENT - DAY Dave is on the phone with Fil. DAVE (TO FIL) Don't be discouraged. Just keep trying. Remember, if you have them by the balls; their minds and hearts will follow. INT. BEDROOM - DAY The Private Investigator who's been spying on Dave is at the window of an apartment in a building across the street from Dave's building. The investigator is snapping pictures of Dave who appears to be working in his living-room. PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR (TO HIMSELF) That's right. Pick up the hammer...Unable to work huh? Then what do you call this? INT. DAVE'S APARTMENT - DAY Dave is trying to hammer a shelving unit together. GIOVANNI, Dave's father, walks over. GIOVANNI You call this work? Get the FUCK outta here! Dave drops the hammer and walks away head down. EXT. STREET - NIGHT Joe is walking down a lamp lit street, stops and stares at the moon. JOE (AT THE MOON) Good night Moons wherever you are. A van abruptly pulls up and FBI AGENTS throw JOE into the van and commence rapid fire questioning. AGENT ONE How do you know the Moon brothers?! AGENT TWO How many are there?! AGENT THREE How long have you know them?! JOE (calmly) Well let's see, the Moon brothers, they live in my friend's building. I'd approximate there are about seven of them, eight if you count the mother. And I've known them for about five years and neither I, nor anyone else, have been able to tell them apart. AGENT ONE He's not cooperating! AGENT TWO Agent Brutus, get the duct tape, banana and Vaseline. JOE (panicing) Banana! Wait a minute! Who's not cooperating here?! AGENT THREE Did they touch you?! JOE What's with the whole touching thing? AGENT ONE Identify this Moon! (showing a picture of a Moon brother) ) Is this Anthony or John?! showing another picture but exactly the same as the first) Is this Sal or Ralph?! JOE I don't know! AGENT ONE You pullin' my balls son?! JOE No! (beat) Pulling your balls? AGENT ONE Yeah, that was a little awkward wasn't it? (beat) You yanking my chain Son?! JOE That's better. But no! Look you don't understand! You can't identify them, no one can, they're freaks don't you see! Where ever you go there they are! They're not human! They're born six months apart, that's impossible for Christ's sake! AGENT THREE Hey, hey, hey. There's no need for name calling here. JOE I'm sorry. I didn't mean to fly off the handle. AGENT ONE It's all right. We've put you under a lot of stress. Sometimes we can be too demanding. You're a good guy. You're doing your best to help out and we appreciate it...Now beat it ass-breath! Joe gets kicked out of the van. INT. TELEVISION EXECUTIVE OFFICES - DAY Fil is in a boardroom with several TV network executives. JACOB, a man in his mid 40's is the head program producer. JACOB Fil we're very busy here, I'm sorry we're not interested in that idea. FIL Hold on I got another one: Three characters named Fil, Dave and Joe. Dave is Fil's friend who lives at home with his mother and father and hasn't worked in four years. Joe is an obsessed lunatic who is trying to identify these brothers who all look alike but aren't twins and are somehow six months apart. Then there's Fil who's the handsomest of them all, clay of course. A real ladies man who's down on his luck looking for a job... JACOB Stop right there! This idea is GOLD, true one hundred percent GOLD! (beat) And by gold I mean it SUCKS! (shouting) This is the worst idea I ever heard. Who cares if Fil gets a job, and these goon...loon brothers what ever they are. And Dave who's a bum. It's just very sketchy with no real substance and weak story line. Who'd stick around and watch the end of that? I know a good story when I hear one and this one blows. STAFF MEMBER Shall I get security? JACOB Ehh, surprise me. Fil exits with security. THREE HIGH SCHOOL KIDS enter the boardroom dressed like the cast of the Blair Witch Project. KID ONE Here it is! Us three, a home video camera, and we're lost in the woods in search of some old witch you never see. It's blurry, it's shaky, and we die somehow at the end. JACOB Hmm... the story line's a little too strong. Make it more sketchy with a little less substance you got yourself a deal. KID ONE Done! JACOB Nigel, my checkbook. INT. OFFICE - DAY - CONTINUOUS Fil is interviewing for a job at the LEZCO SEX-TOY COMPANY. KATHLEEN, a overweight butchy looking woman with a half shaved mullet in her mid 30's, is interviewing Fil. She can't take her eyes off him. Fil is completely oblivious. FIL (innocently) Like I said I'm a very HARD worker, I can keep it UP all night, even on those HOT, SWEATY nights. I've been known to PUSH myself too far. I also have a big dick... (coughs) Ðtionary. Webster's latest edition. ... So what do you say? Kathleen jumps out of her trance. KATHLEEN Hum oh! Umm how long...I mean tall, did you say you were? Kathleen daydreams Fil as a sex toy. FIL About eight inches. KATHLEEN Eight inches! Kathleen envisions Fil pouring oil on himself. FIL What, I'm too short? That's discrimination! Who's in charge over here? KATHLEEN No, no! Never! (beat) So, what's your width? CYNTHIA, a cute assistant, walks in urgently carrying a stack of papers. CYNTHIA Here are the reports you... Cynthia, stunned by the sight of Fil, drops the stack on the floor and begins to pick up the scattered papers as she checks Fil out. CYNTHIA (CONT'D) (dumbfounded) I'm sorry, I didn't know...you had... KATHLEEN It's all right Cynthia. Just stick it in my box. Cynthia checks out Fil as she runs out the door. FIL I noticed there aren't a lot of men working around here. You know, I could've picked up those papers faster than she did. That's another thing about me... I'm FAST! KATHLEEN Are you? So where were we? Oh yes, your width? FIL ...about two inches. KATHLEEN Oooooh. I think I can find a spot to stick you in. FIL Well it would be really great if you could fit me in, cause I'm desperate? We are talking about employment right? SHOT - Cuts to hallway. Workers approach Kathleen's office door to have a listen. FIL (O.S.) (CONT'D) Wait no. KATHLEEN (O.S.) Oh yes. FIL (O.S.) No! Really...this... KATHLEEN (O.S.) Come to momma! FIL (O.S.) No! What would my mother think?! KATHLEEN (O.S.) OH YES!! Off screen a loud anal intrusion is heard. INT. OFFICE - NIGHT Fil arranged a job interview with the city's most powerful mafia syndicate. There are several men in the room as Fil enters. HENCHMAN ONE Whehew! Something smells in here. FIL (TO HIMSELF) Oh God. DON SALAMI is the head boss of this family. He has all the mannerisms and vocal traits of Don Corleone from the Godfather. DON SALAMI Please sit down. Fil sits down. FIL (excitedly) So who do you want me to kill? I'll slap people silly. DON SALAMI Now now, we don't use the word kill around here...We say...prematurely retire. (jokingly) Everyone laughs then Fil joins in. Don Salami suddenly stops laughing and signals everyone else with the cut throat gesture. DON SALAMI (CONT'D) Did you find the place OK MR. Nakopolous? FIL Please call me Fil. Don Salami nods. DON SALAMI Allow me to introduce myself, I'm Don Salami and these are my associates Lonza, Prosciutto, Mortadella, Capicolla, Gelato, Canoli, Zepolle and Tiramisu. Fil's stomach is heard loudly rumbling. DON SALAMI (CONT'D) Can I get you anything? FIL Mortadella. (Beat) (TO MORTADELLA) Nice shoes. Italian? MORTADELLA Canadian. DON SALAMI Uh Prochiutto, take the Jaguar to Little Big Mike's and get us some pastry. And be careful, if you put one scratch on the Jag (picking up a pair of scissors) I'm going to be very upset. Prosciutto runs out. DON SALAMI (CONT'D) So anyway tell me a bit about yourself. FIL We'll you know I'm the type of guy who likes to throw his weight around. If you need me to break legs I'll break arms, if you need me to break arms I'll break necks. I'm funny like that. The sound of a car's remote alarm switch is heard followed by a loud explosion. Mortadella looks out the window. MORTADELLA I think they got Prosciutto! DON SALAMI It's about time. He's been getting on my nerves for years. Prosciutto comes running in. DON SALAMI (CONT'D) Prosciutto! You're alive...We were so worried. PROSCIUTTO There's a Ford Pinto outside that just blew up! FIL Oh that's mine...it does that sometimes. DON SALAMI (TO PROSCIUTTO) What about the Jag? PROSCIUTTO Safe and sound boss. DON SALAMI Thank God! You gave me quite a scare Fil. Prosciutto leaves again. DON SALAMI (CONT'D) OK back to business. Tell me, who told you about our opportunities? FIL I saw your ad on Careers.com. Don Salami turns to CANOLI with a "what the hell's wrong with you" look on his face. CANOLI You told me "use what ever means necessary." The sound of a high performance car is heard starting up followed by a loud explosion. DON SALAMI (TO MORTADELLA) Yeah? MORTADELLA Yeah. DON SALAMI Fil you're in luck. A new position has just become available. Normally I promote from within but you seem like a hard working guy. FIL You know, you'd be amazed how often I hear that. If only it were true. DON SALAMI I like this guy. You know when I first saw you, you know what I said? FIL (embarrassed) What'd you say: "Smart guy, sharp dresser?" DON SALAMI I said "what the HELL is this!"...But now I'm taking a shining to you. FIL (turning to everyone in the room with a smile) What's not to like? DON SALAMI So if you would just fill out this application and give me your resume and three professional references, we'll get started on your background check. Fil whips out a cigar. DON SALAMI (CONT'D) Oh, this is a smoke-free organization and we do random drug testing. So I'll need a blood, stool and urine sample. FIL This is the mob, right? INT. FIL'S HOUSE - NIGHT Fil enters apartment discouraged from the mafia interview. DAVE (smiling) I take it the Mafia doesn't want you either? FIL They made me take a written test! They asked me for a blood, urine, and stool sample. I left them my underwear, I've been chafing all day. DAVE And? FIL I didn't qualify for the job I applied for, "adjuster of boxing events." But they said I'd be perfect for the shoe-shine position. DAVE But? FIL But they had a buffer in the men's room. (crying) A buffer in the men's room! DAVE Hey don't give up man, remember what Joe said? FIL Believe in yourself and others will believe in you? DAVE No, that's not it. Joe comes bursting in "ala Kramer from Seinfeld" carrying a package. JOE Guys, guys! Here it is, gather round! The Moon's coming out tonight! Dave and Fil gather at the table with Joe to open the package. DAVE You actually got a package from the FBI? JOE You know it! And to think they held me at gun-point just the other day. Joe pulls out the first photo of the Moons. JOE (CONT'D) OK look it here, John Moon. Joe passes it off to Dave and pulls out the next photo. JOE (CONT'D) All right, Anthony Moon. Joe pulls out each photo in succession. JOE (CONT'D) Guy Moon, Joe Moon but...this... (tongue twisted) DAVE These are all the same picture. JOE Oh this is stupid. What did they send me this for? Are we playing games here? What purpose can this possibly serve? Fil laughs. Joe throws the photos and the rest of the info in trash out of disgust and walks away toward the sofa. Dave grabs one of the papers of info out of the trash and looks at it. DAVE Wait a minute, says something here about a birthmark. JOE (excited) A birthmark? Who? DAVE Oh, all of them. JOE Crystal! That's it! This is too much. Just when you think you're about to find out the dark truth; BAM!! You get five across the eyes! DAVE (still reading from info) ) Says they all work at the same place. FIL Same place?...Where? DAVE (TO FIL) Why do YOU want to know? INT. FINANCIAL BUILDING OFFICE - DAY Fil is shaking hands with MR. SHOEHORN, the vice-president of Shoe Shine Financial Enterprises. FIL (bursting with confidence) How do you do sir? MR. SHOEHORN Well I'll say this, you've got plenty of references. So you know the mystical Moon brothers? FIL Oh yeah, we go way back. MR. SHOEHORN And you know each one? FIL Like the front of my hand. A Moon Brother walks in to hand Mr. Shoehorn a document. MOON Here you go Mr. Shoehorn, these are from Mr. Shinehorn. Hey Fil, you work here now? FIL (THINKING OUT LOUD) Crap! (TO MOON) Hey...Buddy...what's up...pal...how's your brother J... so how are you? MR. SHOEHORN (TO MOON) Thank you. MOON See you around Fil. Good day Mr. Shoehorn. Moon walks out of the office. MR. SHOEHORN So you don't know them either. I've been here twenty-five years, they've been here six, since the day they started I've been trying to figure them out...Damn, that puts me out of the pool. FIL I used to think there was only one. MR. SHOEHORN We all did at one time, it was a bitch down at payroll every week. Now we just make out one check, they split it. FIL (jokingly) Don't give them cheesecake after midnight or they'll multiply. MR. SHOEHORN They once bought me a cheesecake and then ate the whole thing. Fil and Mr. Shoehorn laugh together. FIL (in serious tone) They touch you? Mr. Shoehorn laughs again then realizes Fil is serious. EXT. STREET - DAY - CONTINUOUS Joe and Dave are walking down the street. JOE Hold on I think it's gonna rain, my left ball's rumbling. The wind picks up. Dave sticks his hand out checking for rain. JOE (CONT'D) Yeah, it's definitely gonna rain. No... wait... we're being followed. SHOT - Cuts to the interior of the FBI van. AGENT TWO (INTO HIS RADIO) Visual made. I've got our contact, he's not alone. AGENT ONE (V.O.) Move in on my signal. SHOT - Dave and Joe walking down the street. A Moon brother is approaching. DAVE (fretfully) Here comes a Moon. Joe throws Dave against the store window and notices a bucket full of cleaner with squeegees in it on the ground. JOE Look this way, maybe he'll walk right by. Here, start scrubbing! Dave and Joe start washing the store window with the squeegees. The Private Investigator comes around the corner and observes what could be the undeniable proof that Dave is committing worker's compensation fraud. PRIVATE EYE Holy! Oh, oh this is beautiful. I got you now. You are going DOWN bitch. The Private Investigator whips out his camera and trains it on Dave. He frames the shot of Dave skillfully washing the window like a professional window washer. SHOT-FBI van. AGENT ONE (V.O.) Make your move Johnson. AGENT TWO Hold on sir, we have a guy snapping photos of a Moon. What should I do? SHOT - (slow motion) Dave and Joe washing the window. The Moon brother walks towards them to say hello. SHOT - (slow motion) The Private Investigator zooms in closer and closer so that the camera will capture the unmistakable image that will certainly convict Dave as a scam artist. SHOT - (slow motion) The Moon brother's hand about to land on Joe's shoulder to get his attention. Joe, through the corner of his eye, sees this. SHOT - (slow motion) The Private Eye focuses the shot and gently presses down on the camera's trigger. PRIVATE EYE Smile you Son of a... SHOT - Close-up of FBI Agent Two. AGENT ONE (V.O.) Take him down! The Private Investigator gets thrown into the van by the Feds. SHOT- Dave, Joe and the Moon brother. JOE RUN! Joe and Dave scram out of there in different directions. SHOT - Inside FBI van. PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR What's going on? AGENT TWO What do you know about the Moon Brothers? AGENT THREE Who are you working for? AGENT TWO Why are you snapping pictures of them? PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR I don't know what you're talking about. AGENT TWO Oh you don't uh? (TO AGENT BRUTUS) You hear that Brutus? He doesn't know what we're talking about... Tell you what, get me the DUCT TAPE, BANANA and VASELINE. PRIVATE EYE I think there's a misunderstanding here. AGENT BRUTUS Sir, I can't find the Vaseline. AGENT TWO (TO PRIVATE EYE) Sucks to be you. Screams of the Private Investigator are heard coming from the van. INT. DAVE'S APARTMENT - DAY The phone rings. The answering machine activates. It's Fil calling. FIL (V.O.) Who's the assistant to the vice president!? Let me check these business cards. Well look at this, it's me "Fil Nakopuolus." I'll be working late tonight boys. You know how it is down here at the office... (with sincerity) Hey...Thanks. INT. OFFICE - DAY Mr. Shoehorn is busy working at his desk. Fil is on Mr. Shoehorn's desk holding a pencil. FIL You need the pencil for anything boss? MR. SHOEHORN I told you, no. Mr. Shoehorn searches around his desk for something. FIL What'd you need? The pencil? MR. SHOEHORN No! Why don't you go sharpen it or something? Fil walks toward the pencil sharpener, mumbling under his breath. FIL (TO HIMSELF) Assistant to the vice-president my ass. I've been holding this pencil for three hours. MR. SHOEHORN Fil! Where's that pencil?! FIL Right here boss! FADE OUT |
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