Anna and Jared

I was conscious but I refused to open my eyes.  I dug in deeper to my duvet feeling the softness encroaching on every part of my body except for a tiny hole for my nose.  It was still dark under here and if I squeezed myself in tight enough there were no funerals to remember, no visions of people in black crying while dabbing their noses with Kleenex and sniffling.  No one would make a surface attempt to comfort me while actually wanting it for themselves.  I squeezed my eyes shut with such force that I saw stars.  Totally alone.  A panic signal went off in my head.  I was still pulling in breaths but the carbon monoxide full breaths were unsatisfying. In my attempt to shut out the world I had squeezed the hole surrounding my nose.  The air was getting heavy with my breath.  I started to get dizzy but didn’t release the blankets.  Tighter.  Tighter.  The idea of having the power to end it all now was surprising and exhilarating.  My body fought off my mind.  I involuntarily gasped but didn’t move.  I wonder.

Knock knock, “You up yet, dear?  I’ve made your favorite blueberry waffles…”  Tilly was singing…  Tilly.  I released the blankets and took a breath deep enough to reach my toes. 

I was too dizzy to actually get up yet so I laid my cheek down heavily on the soft squishy bed and gasped for air, “Thanks Tilly, I’ll be right down.”

“Anna?  You alright dear?  You sound winded.” Tilly had the highest pitched voice I had ever heard on a human being.  I was sure dogs could hear it for miles.  She told me it was because God wanted her to be a bird but got interrupted.  Because of that statement alone, I immediately didn’t like her.  But it didn’t matter , this was my new guardian.  I didn’t have to see her face to know that she had her chubby cheek pressed to the door and one penciled eyebrow lifted to half the height of her round forehead.

I took a quiet but giant breath so I could speak as normally as possible, “Yep, fine, be right down,” the room was still spinning.

Tilly stood by the door unmoving.  I imagined her standing there chewing on her lip caught in a toss-up.  Should she respect the privacy of this 17 year old girl she’d just met or do what she really wanted and break the door down to protect her new little lamb.  Due to Tilly’s overall roundness, I had no doubt my door didn’t stand a chance should she had decided the latter.

My breath came easier and things stayed in one place, including the shadows of her feet by the door.  My irritation was growing.

“Tilly!  I told you I’d be right down!”  I barked.

After a little yelp, a hop and one more slight hesitation her feet disappeared.  I rolled over, one arm splayed over the bed, the other across my chest. I stared at the ceiling.  A lump in my throat invited me to cry.  I felt a tear slide down over my temple and into my hair line.  I tried to think of one reason that I should get out of bed today, just one that could over come my desire to stay in it for the rest of my life. 

“….Jared’s here!”  Tilly trilled from downstairs. 

Jared.  I had no doubt he was probably blushing to the point of pain from her singing his name.  My guess is that he is about to be coerced into eating her blueberry waffles despite his dislike of eating in front of people.  He will accept some graciously then fork it around the plate until it’s time to go. 

A bitter taste rose in the back of my throat.  Jared’s helplessness was manipulating.  I chose a pair of jeans from the floor and swiped whatever was the top t-shirt in my drawer, green today with a ghostly faded image of a Rubik’s cube on the front.  This was the most I was going to manage today.  I headed reluctantly down the stairs to the kitchen to rescue Jared from Tilly’s nurturing clutches.

Jared sulked quietly as he pushed some blueberries around his plate.  He looked up hopefully when he saw me, his brown eyes pleading. 

“We’ve got to go Till.”  I grumbled as I grabbed a pancake with my bare hand and took a bite. 

She looked at her culinary masterpiece as if it were being abused by an alien tentacle, “But don’t you want syrup and butter or…..a plate, dear?” 

“Nope, sorry.”  I grabbed my back pack, still holding untouched homework from last night, and slung it over my shoulder.  Tilly made some blubbering objection as we walked out.

Jared hovered quietly by my side.

“Here.” Jared pushed some papers into my arm.

“What are these?”  I asked knowing full well what they were.

“Homework.” 

“Jared, you don’t have to do that for me.”  I grumbled.  And actually I wish he wouldn’t.  I didn’t care one bit what happened at school and I hated owing him.   

Jared was silent.  That was the trouble with Jared.  Before my father died we used to trade words as if they were a commodity.  I knew everything about his life and he knew all there was to know about mine.  I may have loved him once but now I was lucky to feel anything at all.  When my brother, Rats died six weeks I ago I quit talking, to anyone.  Then, he quit too. But he never stopped coming around.  I didn’t know why, I even hated being around me.

His eyes remained on the sidewalk but I could feel him probing me.  He knew what tonight was every bit as much as I did.  He had never said one way or the other but I knew he wanted me to go to the Tribute.  He had always had the utmost respect for my farther, if for no other reason than he was better at being a father than his dad.  If I didn’t go I knew that I would be reading judgment in his eyes for the next few weeks.  I don’t think he has any room to talk though, his dad is still alive and Jared won’t give him the time of day…that is, on the few occasions in his life where his dad has actually asks for it.

“I’m not going tonight, Jared.”

“I know.” He said quietly.

“Well, I’m glad because I would rather die than see those people again.”  I huffed.

“Me too.”  I felt him reach for my back pack that was now dragging on the ground.  I let him have it, it was easier than trying to argue with him about it.  He slung it over his shoulder.

“I mean they act like they knew him.  They all act like they loved his work…it’s disgusting.”  I spat.

“Yeah.”  He was barely audible over the homework papers that he had taken from my hand and was now rustling into my back pack.   

“The idea that I would go there and listen to them lecture me on how great he was is absurd!  Don’t they know I knew that?  And now that Rats is gone they will want me to take over the cause.”  I rubbed the palms of my hands deep into my eye sockets. 

Jared was silent.  The gravel from the road crunched under our feet.  I looked up at the sky.  A flock of birds had been disturbed from their usual resting place on our pond.  They flew in a bustle over our heads instantaneously switching direction like blowing leaves on a tree. 

I felt the lump in my throat again, “I can’t do it, Jared.”  It came out more of a whimper.

He didn’t look up, “Yes, you can.”

“I can’t give them what they want.  I can’t…”  The end of my sentence trailed off.

“Yes, you can.  It’s just, you won’t.”  He was still watching his feet shuffle as he walked.  The freckles on his face were like dried crinkled up leaf bits scattered across his golden cheeks.  His dingy blonde hair had sparse threads of pure gold that shone in the morning sunlight.  The ends curled up over his ears and neck perfectly, understated, unassuming.  Every day he was bigger. I hated what had happened to him over the last couple of summers.  He almost didn’t’ look like Jared anymore.

I suddenly felt exhausted, “Forget it, let’s talk about something else.”

Jared sighed, “Alright.”

But neither one of us said another word the rest of the way to school. 

I floated through the day like I had for the last six weeks not hearing a word that was said to me, dodging concerned pitiful glances from teachers that made me want to throw my books at their faces.  Every time someone asked me how I was doing in that syrupy sweet voice it made my skin crawl.  Of course I’m not alright.  Who would be alright after losing everyone in their family? 

The ending bell released me from my prison.  I silently began the walk home.  I felt Jared materialize by my side.  I felt my back pack lift off my shoulders but I snatched it back.  I didn’t need Jared to carry my things.  The sooner he realized that the better.  He took no offense at my slight though.  He just dropped a few steps back.  I could hear his shoes sliding over the gravel behind me.  It was 3:30 and the tribute started at 7:00.  I would need to stay out of the house if I wanted to avoid Tilly’s pestering.  I needed another place to go.

Without turning around I mumbled, “You want to go to the quarry.”

“Yeah.” 

Jared’s shoes dragged behind me the whole way to the quarry.  We only had two weeks of school left and then I knew that I wouldn’t see shoes on Jared again the rest of the summer.  Jared looked better without shoes, more at ease with himself.  You would never know that his family had more money than anyone else in Leighton.  His father was a tobacco lawyer.  He had won big more than once and their family would never want for money again.  He expected things from Jared…big things, but Jared resisted him on every count in his iron silent way.  I think his dad had finally just given up but that was just a guess.  Who knew what Jared would do with his life.  He was smart.  He would figure something out.   

Once we got to the quarry I sat down on our favorite ledge that overlooked a little brook that emptied into a pond below.  It was Spring and the water was flowing more forcefully than the rest of the year.  Jared sat down next to me.  Quiet.  I started to pick up rocks and throw them over.  We had thrown all the big ones over years ago.  Now there were only little ones left.  Jared stared off into the quarry.  We sat that way for at least an hour when I ran out rocks.

“All of the rocks are gone,”  I sounded more disheartened than seemed necessary, “there’s nothing left anymore.”  I said brushing my fingers over the smooth rocky ledge mesmerized by the tiny holes here and there.

Jared got up and went to the rocky wall beside us.  He threw his hat to the ground.  He put both of his now annoyingly beefy arms up over his head and pulled the back of his shirt up till he had pulled the whole thing off.  He balled it up and stuffed it into his back pocket and started pulling at the deviated sections of the wall.  Every time he moved a new symphony of muscles played together over his sturdy back.  I forgot how strong Jared was.  He wasn’t a towering guy or overly thick but he was lean and muscular.  I knew the girls at school wondered about him.  They had even had the nerve to ask me if he was free.  If he had ever said a word there he would have more interest than he could handle but his silence made him an unreachable mystery to them all.  Maybe he should start thinking about getting a girlfriend.  The idea almost made me wretch. 

He finally pulled out a large section of rock from the cliff wall and lifted it over his head.  He thrust it to the ground.  I hid my face under my arm as it broke into several pieces.  He lifted the few remaining big pieces in the air and threw them down too.  Without saying a word I got up and sat down next to it and began to throw the pieces over the side and he put his shirt back on and sat down.  His placed his hat backward on his head. 

“If I go tonight, will you come with me?”

He nodded. 

“I’m pissed.”  I fingered a rock that I hadn’t thrown yet.

“Don’t be.” He watched my fingers roll over the rock.  I could see why the girls at school were intrigued by Jared.  His eyes always seemed to have a story in them.  They were like a dream, not a lot of words or detail, but you never forget the feeling they invoke.

“They are going to ask me.”  I say.

“Yep.” His rugged fingers gently brushed over mine as he grabbed the rock to twist under his own intense examination.

“What do I say?”  I asked feeling more helpless than I was comfortable with.

“Whatever you want to say.”  He was still twisting the rock over his nimble fingers but he seemed to be looking through it somehow.

“Fine, I’ll go to the Tribute for my dad and my brother but I’m not staying.” Before I knew it Jared was standing over me with his hand reaching down.  I shaded with my eyes to look up and see his shadow silhouetted by the late evening sun.  I could just make out his eyes though they still wouldn’t meet mine.  I reluctantly grabbed his hand and he pulled me up as if I weighed nothing.  His strength was a reminder of how we had both changed.

Guess I was going  to the Tribute after all.