The Basics of Me

         “What the hell did y’all do last night?’’  My head snapped from the pillow. Oh Hell, the human alarm clock is home.  I didn’t mean to sleep all night; I meant to get up at 2 AM and finish the kitchen.  His silhouette stood at the bedroom door. “Did you see the mess those kids left out there?” I slowly pushed myself up from the mattress. “I told the boys to make sure they cleaned up after they got through eating. I came in here to lie down for a minute and I was going to wake up and finish the kitchen.”  I glanced at the clock; 4:47 am. He walked off in disgust.  I sat on the edge of the bed to gather myself for a moment.  He reappeared with his bath towel and headed for the bathroom. The force by which the bathroom door closed let me know just how steamed he was. I got up and headed for the kitchen and yes it was wrecked from the dining room to the kitchen sink. There were even a couple of dinner plates still in their half-eaten state left on the table. A part of me wanted to wake those little ungrateful menaces up and make them clean the whole sordid mess.  But I just didn’t have the energy to deal with them and they all had to be up in a couple of hours for school anyway.  I proceed to tackle the mess and prayed that Nicki didn’t wake up until I was finished.

              It was 6:30 before I tip-toed back into our bedroom.  The king was now fast asleep with a rhythmic bear growl coming from his lips. I closed the door of the bathroom as quietly as I could and proceeded to get myself together before I woke the boys up for school.  I knew Nicki would be up and clinging to me as I hustle them to get ready; so I will take this time to breathe for a moment.  I looked into the mirror and thought “Oh my God. My face looked puffy and bloated. My hair was in corn rows that were my meager attempt to regain some of my youthful looks: it wasn’t working.  As I looked into the mirror all I saw was my father’s sister Ella. I hated when people would say I looked like her because she was the epitome of sadness and brokenness.  She was a constant complainer and never endeavored to move out of the depressing places of her life. No wonder I don’t know who I am anymore: I’m Aunt Ella! I washed up and snuck back into our bedroom to find something to wear. 

            Trying to be as quiet as possible I finally found some jeans that were at least one size to snug a tee shirt and my sneakers. I eased out of the room and went down the hall to the two youngest boys’ room I turned on the lights and saw a mess that was at least as bad as the disaster I had just cleaned up.  “Get up boys it’s time for school.” I continued calling until they drowsily got up to the side of the bed. (the youngest boy) said, “Mommy I’m wet.”  “Okay baby boy, I’ll start your bath water.  Get up KJ”  “I’m up Ma.” The boys on the move, I go to the baby’s room to get her up and find her standing in the crib with a big smile for me. “Hi Nicki. Good morning.” I say returning the joy she had just given me.  I pick her up, give her kisses on her neck and place her on the changing table. The boys had started their early morning bickering and I choose to just ignore it.  I had already had my fill of unnecessary yelling for the morning.  The barrage of chaos that happened every morning continued for the next fifty minutes. I finally got the boys in the van and off to school.  Nicki loved the ride we took every morning.  She got her big brother’s total attention during these rides.  I looked in the rear view mirror and watched as he made funny faces and tickled her neck just to send her into uncontrollable giggles. He was her favorite brother and she adored him already. 

            Once the boys were all unloaded I headed to the grocery store. I figured I’d make the grouch a good old fashioned home cooked meal today. Maybe he’ll erase the scowl for a few hours. I picked up a pack of chicken, a couple heads of cabbage, and a few yams. Nicki and I then headed home.  I put Nicki in her walker, turned on Nick Jr., and then proceeded to start dinner.  As I worked on dinner my mind wandered back to the image that had stared back at me in my morning mirror encounter.  “That wasn’t me”, I insisted. If it wasn’t me; then who was it?  I used to be this sexy being, but that image was, was…. I searched for words to describe the reflection. As the chicken hit the searing pan, Nicki started to cry and I found the words: “somebody’s mother”.  I turned the pan down and headed for Nicki’s voice.  She had wedged herself between the coffee table and the couch and couldn’t move. I said, “It’s okay little girl.” I moved the table to release her walker and gave her a kiss on the forehead. “Give mommy a few more minutes and then we’ll play.” I ran to the kitchen, grabbed a napkin, and retrieved a cookie from the jar for her. She was a happy baby again. I returned to smothering my chicken.  I turned the heat up under the pan once more and covered the chicken with onions. I washed the yams, placed them on a cookie sheet, and slid the pan into the oven. I started to cut the cabbage and returned to my thoughts. Somebody’s Mother: what was so wrong with being somebody’s mother. I’m proud of the fact that I’m the mother of the four most beautiful, smart kids in the world. But did I have to look like I had been to hell and back? I continued my effort to finish dinner and find some time to maybe get a nap before the day is all gone.  I peeked in to check on Nicki and she was clapping to Elmo’s song.  The cabbage was now all washed and ready to be browned and I hadn’t fed her yet and I really needed to put some clothes in the washer. I put the cabbage into the waiting pot and began to stir fry.  It wasn’t long before I was able to put the top on and turn the stove to simmer.  I grabbed the box of Cheerios and poured a little into a bowl; found the apple slicer and wedged an apple. My little girl was certainly ready for some interaction from her mother. I retrieved Nicki from her walker and kissed her neck.  She squealed and pushed my face away.  Nick is my smart, beautiful, awesome girl; I sing over and over as I put her in her high chair and secure it.  I place the bowl of Cheerios and apple wedges in front of her and proceeded to get her sippy cup for her.  “Do you love me Nicki? I love you.” Sesame Street was now over. So I turned the television off. While Nicki fed herself, I put a load of laundry in the washer. 

                Before I knew it, it was almost noon. The dinner was all done and I had fed Nicki her lunch and given her a bath. Like a good little girl she went down for her nap with no fussing. Maybe she sensed how tired I was.  I sat down on the couch and turned on the TV for a moment to check out Millionaire. I start to play the game and before I know it I’m slumped over and dozing off to sleep. I reach for the throw on the back of the couch and get comfortable. I slip into a much needed satisfying slumber and welcome the momentary peace in the house.  Thoughts of what I hadn’t accomplished today invaded my calm and I desperately pushed them away. If I can get 30 minutes uninterrupted I will be a new woman. I finally achieve the impossible and for the first time in a long time I start to dream. 

I’m in the presence of someone and oh, it feels so good.  I feel love. There’s a man in my dream; he’s there and he loves me. Not in a sexual way; but in a conscious way.  He wants me, he cares for me. I’m at ease in his presence, I feel safe.  He reaches for me and I want his touch. I want this feeling he is exuding.  His hand touched my shoulder and it feels lovely. I haven’t felt this way in so long. Who is this? He’s dark. Plus. He’s tall. Plus, Plus. But I can’t quite make out his face. I see everything about him. His broad shoulder his muscular physique.  Who is he?

“That’s why shit can’t get done around here.”

I was suddenly hurled from this cornucopia of peace back to the chaotic reality of my existence. I open my eyes and I’m greeted by the disgusted face of the king staring at me over the back of the couch.  He was awake and still not in a pleasant mood. He turned and walked away.  What on earth can you do when even the smell of smothered chicken, cabbage and sweet potato pie don’t shift the mood meter to a positive charge? Once again I find that I’m in the position of defending myself for needing sleep. I look at the clock. Wow, I did manage to make it to 40 minutes.  I lay there for a few more seconds. I no longer heard the churn of the washer.  So I made my way back into the laundry room. After doing a switch-a-roo with the laundry; I head to our bedroom.  The king was sitting on the side of the bed putting on his socks. “Are you headed to work?”

“No, I got some things to take care of.”

“Well I made dinner already so there’s some cabbage and smothered chicken.”

“Yeah, I’ll get some when I come back.”

“You gonna work tonight?”

“I don’t know yet.”

Nikki woke up crying so I walked out of our room and headed to her rescue.  She was balling when I reached her.  She saw me and stretched her arms out for me. “What’s the matter baby?  I picked her up and she clung to my neck.  What’s the matter baby, did you have a bad dream. I held on to Nikki for a while and hummed “Yes Jesus Loves Me” until she calmed down.

Hey Nicole, her dad said walking into the room. She immediately released her hold on me and reached for her father.  DaDa, she said grabbing the sides of his face and showing her perfectly white teeth. He kissed her forehead and carried her down the hall.  He reached the couch and sat down with her on his lap.

How’s my baby girl? She was completely at ease now.

“Give me a towel to wipe her face.” he instructed.  I left and retuned with her warm towel.  As he wiped her face he asked, “Mommy trying to make that baby sleep all day long?  Tell mommy this baby needs to be awake and playing.”  I left them alone to bond.  As I headed back to the laundry, I realized that I had not eaten today, except for a couple of cookies, and glass of juice.  I’ll sit down to eat with the boys when they get home I thought.  I took clothes from the dryer and did another switch-a-roo with the laundry.  While I fold and put away laundry Nikki and her dad played like there were no other people on earth. I figured this was a great time to also grab a shower before the boys got home.

When I emerged from my shower I found the two of them at the table with Nikki cover in sweet potato pie.  “Damn, Kevin you couldn’t put a bib on her before you gave her the pie.” Nikki’s big brown eyes looked up at me. “You know I have to leave to get the boys in a few minutes.”  Without missing a beat my husband’s face turned from pleasant back to the old sour king.  It’s as if the mere sound of my voice causes him disgust and that pisses me off even more.

“Well since Nick needs another bath why don’t you pick the boys up for me?”

“I told you I have something to do.“ 

“Yea, I know but it doesn’t take long to pick the boys up.” I said wiping Nikki’s hand just a little more forceful than I should be. 

“I don’t have time.”

“Where do you have to go?”

“Downtown and then I’m going to work.” He got up from the table and headed for the bedroom.

“Oh, so you’re not planning on seeing your boys again today?”

“I got to go to work.” he yells from the bedroom.          

“And I’m asking you to take 20 minutes out of your busy schedule to allow your boys to see your face.” I yell back.  I managed to get the “daddy’s little girl” T-shirt over Nikki’s afro puffs without getting pie in her hair. I rush towards the bedroom getting more and more heated with each footstep. I walk in just to see him button his shirt. “What are you trying to prove?” I snapped at him.

“Look I’ve got somethin’ to do and I have to go to work. Everybody in here still gotta eat don’t they?”

“It takes more than money to raise your children and right now I’m operating like a single parent.”

He walks past me and Nikki and heads for the front door.  I hear his car start and pull away.  I look down at Nikki’s face and she looked a little bewildered.  So I kiss her forehead and grabbed another top from the fresh stack of folded clothes on my bed.  I put her on the floor and walked out of the room. She followed creeping steadily behind. As I cleaned up her high chair, my head reeled with things I still wanted to say to the mean king.  He should know by now that I know his patterns. He should know that it’s only a matter of time before I find out for sure. I will not go through it again and he should know it. “Work my ass.” I turned and saw Nikki standing; standing in the doorway not holding on to anything.  I put the towel on the counter and said in my most joyous voice “Nikki baby look at you.  You’re mommy’s big girl!” She smiled, took a step, and plopped on her butt. I rushed over to her, picked her up, and loved on her for a minute. We left to get the boys and brag that she had taken her first step.

So tell me how can I find the me I used to be when all the elements are aligned to cause me to be everything else. I am someone's mother, cook, cleaner, comforter, driver, and the list continues.  Out of all the things that I am; I am really only longing to be someone's sweetheart, lover, desire, playmate, joy.  When did I stop being that person I used to be, especially with my husband?