Suppressing Depression - SATIRE

Suppressing Depression: A Guide for Public Schools



Adolescent depression and other mental health issues are a serious problem affecting many of our nation’s youths. Many have asked, “What can our schools be doing to help?” Here, I outline a plan of action for schools to employ in helping fight this growing epidemic. All methods included in this plan are research-based and have found that at least 1 in every 10 people says these methods help them have a more cheerful outlook on life.



1.          Poster Campaign:

Who doesn’t love a good inspirational poster? In collaboration with Cheer Up Buttercup! Mental Health Services, we have designed a poster campaign that we believe will boost happiness and energy, decrease depression and anxiety, and promote a gosh darn good outlook on life. These posters include the following inspirational phrases and images.



•          “Fake it ‘til you make it!”

-          A crying face holding a cardboard cut-out smile in front of its mouth



•          “Turn that frown upside down!”

-          A frowny face with a rotating mouth that spins into a smile.



•          “It could be so much worse…"

-          Pictures of starving children, concentration camps, baby animals with big eyes that have been left behind at a shelter, and sad Keanu Reeves



•          “Have some cheese with that whine!”

-          A camera with a speech bubble that says “Smile and say ‘cheese!’”



•          “Cheer up, buttercup!”

-          Fields of sunny yellow flowers that will brighten anyone’s day!



2.          Inspirational Speakers

In addition to the visual poster campaign we will want to bring in some auditory inspiration for our students. We will invite various homeless people, cancer patients, drug addicts, amputees, people who were just laid off, and Chicago Cubs fans to come speak at school assemblies to remind students that their lives could be so much worse.



3.          Mental Health Days

Not only do we want to bring in these special activities to lift up and inspire our students, we also want to create a school environment that is conducive to positive mental health states. Therefore, we will add “taking a mental health day” to the officially approved list of excused school absences. These excused absences will only be granted if the parents send a note in with their child the following school day. (Please note: the same policy does not apply for faculty.)



4.          Suicide Awareness Workshops

Sadly, despite our diligent efforts to promote mental health and positive outlooks on life, some students will consider suicide. Some may even attempt it. According to the 2003 Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance Survey (YRBSS) for every successfully completed suicide there are approximately 100-200 suicide attempts. This number is completely unacceptable for our students! There are 100-200 unsuccessful attempts. That is only a 0.5-1% success rate! Would we re-hire a coach if his team only won 1% of their games? Would we pass a student that only completed 1% of their assignments? No! As educators and caretakers of adolescents we want our students to succeed in all things, all the way to the end of their lives. So we will host Suicide Awareness Workshops to increase our students’ chances of success in all of their lifelong endeavors. Workshop topics will include:



Slitting Your Wrists: Down the Street, NOT across the Road

Overdosing: Which Pills to Pop to Make You Drop

Asphyxiation: Not Just for Auto-Eroticism Anymore

How the Revolver Turns: A Geometric Study of Successful Shots

         These workshops will be held annually at our Mental Health Awareness Day.



      It is our sincerest hope that the methods outlined in this article will be used by schools nationwide to help alleviate the suffering of adolescents with mental illnesses. We have made it our mission to make our schools brighter, more mentally healthy places.