A Dim Light Today

A Dim Light Today

I'm feeling quite somber today. I am a week or so late starting my period so I was getting a little excited - a little hopeful that maybe this time it would be it. I kept feeling like there were signs.... I was very wrong. I woke up early this morning and ran into the bathroom so I can pee on a stick. I covered it with a piece of tissue so I would not try to peek and I immediately walked out the door. I walked outside onto my balcony, prayed, enjoyed the beautiful sun and waited. After what seems like an entire morning (probably a total of 10 minutes - just to make sure for accuracy) I walked into the bathroom, lifted the tissue and there it was - one line. Not Pregnant. I felt my heart sank and my face fall. I was so disappointed. Here again I felt hopeful and immediately began to feel the opposite. I did all I could to get out of myself and my sadness... Took a shower, got dressed up, did my make up, put on fun jewelry, wore my favorite bra, put on my best shoes, cleaned my kitchen, made lunch for everyone, called a friend, wrote an encouraging email, ran errands, spent some quality time with my daughter prepping for her birthday party, text loving words to others, pet my dog, enjoyed the outdoors, made a list of blessings, and now... here I am outside. The clouds have rolled in, but I can see the sun peering through at the end by the mountains. Though it's dreary - it's encouraging. A sweet little bird with a black stripe down its back keeps coming by and snacking on birdseed while kicking some back at me. I know I must stay encouraged but for this moment I am so sad.
Please do not mistake my sadness for ungratefulness. I am SO incredibly thankful for my daughter and for the fact that I was able to be pregnant and enjoy it, and that though times were tough, I enjoyed her being an infant, a baby, a toddler, and now a kid. I am so blessed and I know it. I just want another chance to love more. To go through it again. I know I am undeserving, but my heart desires another baby so bad. Not to mention my daughter who has been praying for a sibling for years... Me too baby, me too.
All I can do is move on. Be happy and grateful for everything I do have and love who's in my life that much more.