creativity

5:25am,and I'm still awake. A bit heart broken if you ask me. Thinking about the things I could have done, but didn't. About the things I still want to do, but still find myself doing nothing. I ask myself, "where's my creativity? " . I know it's here, but I just tuck it away, until another day comes, and robs me of my dream. But, dreams don't rob; I rob myself, allowing fear to creep up, and blind me of what I really want. What I seek after, really, is that creativity. That creativity that gives you that exact feeling of being in love. That's what I'm after. I seek it. I lust for it. Yet, when I start feeling my body aches, my inner organs hurt; when my rheumatoid arthritis begins to make feel ninety-when I'm really thirty nine-that's when I lose it. That's when I go down hill. That's when I lose all hope, and start questioning my dreams. What are they? Who do I think I am, thinking I can take on the world; let alone my dreams. So, I let them wither away. I suffer, emotionally when I do that. Let go. I hurt. I hurt more then my ached body, does; I hurt emotionally, and mentally. I've let myself down-yet again! Why do I do this. Motivation! Motivation is not on my side. No way. I wish I had a life coach. A mentor of sorts. A writing mentor, and a photography mentor.