Incapable Of Normal

At times I wish I never met you. That I had never been captured by your long, warm arms and taken in by your full lips. How different wouldn't my life be? Would I be living a  normal life, having normal ups and downs in life, receiving a normal amounts of love? It doesn't really matter though since that's not how it is. After all, I met you, a guy incapable of loving me normally.

I tell myself that I'll leave you every time your finished with me. As I bandage the cuts on my arm and pick up the broken glass I tell myself that I'm strong enough this time. This time you have gone too far, said too much that should have been left unsaid, too much for me to forgive you. As you lay there collapsed on the sofa, passed out, you look so angelic with a face that could make haters forget their hate and forgive. And that is what I do every time he wakes up; I forgive him.

Why can't you just give me a normal amount of love? Is it really such a hard thing to do? Don't I deserve more than this hell of a living? I give you my all and I stay by your side even when you treat me worse than you treat strangers. At least with them you pretend you like them. At this point I would be happy to even have you pretend you love me. I think that would hurt less than your icy words that peel away my self confidence like  waves slowly breaks the rocks on shore to tiny pieces. Slowly I begin to believe him. After so much time has passed I can no longer tell those harsh words to be false. "You're nothing without me." My heart aches. Can I really do nothing on my own? "No one else will have you." I waver. My legs shiver as I feel his cold breath brush my neck as he towers behind me. Then my legs won't go any further and I realize I can't leave you. "Release me…" I whisper. Tears begin to roll silently down my cheeks as silent as my pain eats me from the inside. Before he can react I have already lost an internal fight and drag him in again. "Don't leave me." He smiles. He knows he has won. I never wanted to meet a guy like you.

Is it so hard to let me be loved like any other girl? I'm not asking you to give me anything unrealistic, just a normal kind of love. Can't we give and take like other couples? Right now you're sucking the life out of me, leaving me breathless. You never give anything back. Even when we are together I feel alone. Even when my tears have dried I feel like I'm crying. I only wanted to live normally. I never expected more than a life with good times and bad times. Was that to much to ask? "You don't deserve this," you say. Why do I believe you? As my reflection shows in the windows facing the dark winter night I realize my cheeks are wet.

You say this pain is normal. That everyone else hurts just like me. That their smiles and laughter is just pretending. They're just better actors. "You're nothing special. Don't think you're the only one, " you refute at me every time I muster enough courage to scream at your deceiving face. But how can all this pain be normal? How can this hell not be mine alone? If this is normal then it is more than enough. I don't even want to know what hell is like. I promise I'll behave. I won't scream any more. I'll keep on loving you. You, who are not even capable of normal.
보통만도 못한 사람.