The O : A Memoir

All they know is the flashy sex God who women swoon over, they don't know the person I see in him, granted it took me a while to separate my impression of him from who he really is, but nevertheless he does have many good and decent hidden qualities. They don't know everything he had to go through to get to where he is. Do I love him? Very much I love the man in him that finds the strength to push forward everyday after all the bad, but I had to crawl through my own ditches in life I can't make him choose between who he loves and what he feels is right. Are we soul mates? The question that will never be known, we'll never be together, not the right way, the way I want, the way it should be. He helped me grow into a stronger person, how can you hate someone like that. Did he cheat on me? Yes! Did he lie to me? Yes! Has he manipulated me? Yes! but I'm no saint...

Maybe we're trying so hard to stay together because we're not meant to be, this entire relationship has been a rough ride... there is no trust.

The pain of separation is cutting into my throat after every swallow, I try desperately to hold back my unwanted tears, why did this hurt me so much... is it because I felt like a loser for not getting what I wanted or was it because it was obvious the lack of want my so called lover had for me? We haven't been around each other only communicating through messages, I knew I loved him, but also knew that he didn't love me... not the way I would expect after seven long years. It hurt to know that he wasn't even attempting to patch things up between us, only standing by my decision to separate, he was always complex, why did I expect a change from him? Why did I think I was the one he would try for? We were good together, we bettered each other, pushed each other, or so I thought...maybe that was the illusion my heart gave my brain...That initial impression of him, that I continued to hold on to. I thought I knew him, knew him well enough, but now I know you can never truly know a person. It's Awkward, being a stranger to someone you were intimate with for so long....watching him distance himself from me; treating me like a pariah.

I use to believe in true love, but nowadays I don't know what to believe. I remember hearing a line from the movie "A Bronx Tale" and remember hearing one of the characters saying, "You only get three great ones" if that's true then, I would say I was in love twice, therefore only leaving me one more "true" chance at happiness. On the flip side, neither of those relationships were successful, so are they to be considered true loves... can I still have three chances left?

Not O, my love for O was very real, O was the epitome of the perfect man, but he wasn't perfect, he was flawed like any other man, but O carried himself to the point that you would never know his dirty little indiscretions. Countless jealous women ready to fill my shoes, hoping waiting for the chance to be showered with gifts and attention from O...but people fail to realize nothing is free in this world and that everything has a price. The price I paid to be dazzled by O almost pushed me over the edge, I thought I could handle anything, overcome any obstacle, but who was I trying to convince? O never mistreated me; anything I needed I had. I never wanted for anything...well maybe a few things.

O was committed to our relationship in his own way, meaning I would never hear about his indiscretions unless he told me. He would never spend any holidays with me, but bought me presents on almost all of them. He would not buy me a gift on Valentine's Day. O took me out regularly anywhere I wanted, but the minute our fun was over, he was gone. When I cried he would leave, when I yelled he would leave, when I wanted to express my feelings and have him do the same, he refused.

O was complicated I never truly understood his affection for me, nor where it stemmed from. When he was angry he was calm when he was happy he was amazing, always laughing always talking always joking. He was a light switch in a sense having the power of light or dark... When O was in my world he lit it up; the beautiful places we traveled to, the elaborate parties we attended, the warmth he had in him when he was affectionate. When he was dark, he was possessive, paranoid, detached, and cold.

What we were once... we were no more. How do you avoid such a big part of your world? How can I move forward when I feel like I'm doing something wrong?

O is a douche... he can attempt to be so manipulative... I can't believe he thinks those primitive mind tricks from high school would work, funny. Some pretty juicy information was brought to light, and though I could be furious I'm not, I've come to expect certain things from O, sometimes I'd even say accept, my best friend was a beautiful girl she tempted every man, including O. Though his indiscretions didn't go any farther then a gentle tap on her backside, it was more than enough to put ones best friend in an awkward spot...three years later the truth is brought to light...and it only fuels me more to keep my distance from O. The nerve of him saying I had no reason holding the past against him, seven years and I just couldn't get through to this man.

did that make me feel like a failure? Yes I feel like I failed him. I couldn't make him see that the world wasn't all bad, but I guess that was me still trying to believe that. I always felt I had a heart of gold one of few pure hearts... and because of it I refuse to believe that the world is wholly evil.

O returned with full force... telling me I danced around the ultimate question "Are we still together?" I told him I was done, that I was out, that I needed space and time... but never truly said it was over. I couldn't... honestly I couldn't bring myself to say the words out loud...to hear my own words confirmed in my ears...I just couldn't bare it... I've broken up with people before...but not influential people like O.

O shaped a very big part of my life... and he's persistent always was... the only way he will ever truly leave me is if there is another guy in the picture. O is a Scorpio... n it's a scorpions nature to sting...

O and I continue to dance on a thin line of love and hate...

Word Count: 1197