True Family

This was supposed to be the opening piece to my break in novel. It was not well received by my instructor. Now, my goal is to save this story with a revision- it ha so much potential. There is no timed deadline with this. I already know it needs help, it needs work. What I'm looking for is not so much constructive-criticism as I am suggestions, ideas etc to help revise this piece. I plan to take it up to 3,000 words.

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Fridays at the FHP station 238 were always buzzing with talk of weekend plans. Patrolman Tom Carter was involved in one conversation. Sitting in the report room, he filed out the day’s typical paperwork while talking about the station’s annual trip to Busch Gardens.

Finishing his report, Tom glanced to one of his colleagues. “You and me on Montu, right?” He smiled and snickered, revealing a bright smile and a gold cap over one sizer. His friend nodded as the door opened. The station’s sergeant leaned in looking at Tom. “Carter, call on line two.”

The room became quiet as Tom slid the phone close to him and took the receiver.
“Tom Carter.” He said. He spoke in a low voice.

“I found her!” The man practically shouted. Tom instantly recognized his old army buddy’s voice, though he was baffled by his excitement.

“Nice to hear from you too Jeff.” He asked. There was a tone of sarcasm in his voice. “What’s up?”

“It’s Sharon, I found her!” Jeff said.

Tom nearly dropped the phone, memories flashing through his mind about the girl neither of them had seen in ten years.

“Tom, are you there?” Jeff asked.

Rubbing a large ebony hand over his eyes then his balled scalp, Tom nodded. “Yeah…yeah I’m here.” He sighed heavily as Jeff asked to meet for lunch at his place.

Tom bolted from the station, speeding in his Dodge Dakota. He reached Jeff’s home as a gold Saturn parked in the driveway.

The reality of events set in when his friend handed him a thick file. Looking through it, Tom found the police report among the credit listings. He raised a brow, locking his brow eyes with Jeff’s baby blues. “That’s the guy from Gibsonton.”

Jeff nodded as they headed into the house. In the kitchen, they found his fiancée seated at the kitchen counter looking over a wedding planner. She had magazines and pamphlets scattered in front of her.

Shaking his head to her plans, Tom dropped the file on top of the magazines and brochures.

“What’s this?” she asked. She pulled the towel from her hair as she glanced at the file. The newly dyed, red strands fell limply down her shoulders.

“It’s a family matter, Cathy.” Jeff said. He poured two glasses of iced tea, handing one to Tom.

He then closed the file, taking it in hand before she could read any of the information.
This only piqued her curiosity. “Care to let me in on it?”

“Jeff found Sharon.” Tom said. He noticed Cathy’s entire body stiffen under her robe. He took pleasure in her shock.

“You’re not going to tell her anything are you?” She asked. Her eyes darted from Tom to Jeff, cautioning them against the idea. “Just think about the scandal our families would face.”

Tom watched the stress heighten over Jeff’s face. He remembered how Sharon had vanished before they could tell her the truth of who she was. “You swore to tell her.”

He interjected firmly. Folding his muscular arms, he leaned forward over the counter.
“She’s your cousin, your blood and deserves to know about the kidnapping.”

Cathy startled them when she slammed her fists on to the counter. “You’re making a mistake.” She said. She snapped harshly, glaring at Tom. “Why are you even involved?”

Tom stood to his full height of six feet, over-shadowing and unthreatened by her.

“Because Cat, she’s my friend and I was asked to help.” Tom said. With no lost friendship between them, he enjoyed his sarcastic moment.

Her eyes widened with an exaggerated gasp. “Why the nerve.” She turned to Jeff. “Are you going to let him talk to me like this?”

Jeff smirked. “Cathryn, this is a family matter and we’re not married yet.” Finishing off his tea, he placed the glass in the sink.

“I’m just thinking of what’s best for our families and Elizabeth.” Cathy said.

“Maybe it’s time she learned her twin is alive?” Tom asked.

“She’d go mad.” Cathy said.

“That’s enough.” Jeff said. He demanded, attempting to end the dispute before it became an argument. “Tom, excuse us while I deal with Cathryn?” keeping his eyes on her, he rubbed the back of his neck, revealing the silver necklace he wore with the small charm of his zodiac: Aries.

With a shrug, Tom stepped around Cathy and Jeff passed him the file. He stepped in to the small home-office. He stood behind the cracked door and listened to their conversation.

“You knew getting involved with me that there were things I could never tell you. Things you've been demanding to know.” Jeff said. There was a tone of irritation in his voice.

“Jeff, listen to me,” Cathy pleaded. “Both our families agreed that our union was for the best.”

“Your family agreed not mine.” Jeff said.

Tom flinched humorously as he closed the door and sat at the desk, placing that long awaited phone call. After three rings, a woman answered with a somber voice. “Hello?”

“I’m trying to reach Sharon Lands.” Tom said. He glanced up as Jeff entered, dropping a diamond engagement ring on the desk.

“Speaking, who is this?” she asked quietly.

Tom turned his attention to his call, speaking quietly as he smiled. “Hey girl, it’s T.J.”

“How long has it been?” She asked.

“Too long sweetheart, too long.”

There was a noise in her background, the jostling of some one grabbing the phone and she yelled. “No, don’t!”

“Sharon?” Tom glanced up at Jeff with a look of concern. “Sharon are you there?”

The automated voice cracked on his ear. “If you’d like to make a call, please hang up and try your number again.”

Tom cradled the receiver. “We've got a problem.”

“Let’s roll.” Jeff said.