Family Breakup

Why??? So many times I have asked myself that question. Why did we have to lose someone to cancer? Which we grieved deeply over, which should have brought us closer, when in fact pushed us apart. Why did my husband have to be partnered with a 20 something, cute, blond female that he was assigned totrain at work, that thought he was bigger than life, and was everything I knew would be perfect to take my husband away. All of the dark sadness enveloped our home. The home we had finally gotten, a home we could welcome our kids home to, future grand kids, and was built to entertain large groups, which we did often. We had about 5 years to enjoy that.

Why was I not strong enough? Why was he not strong enough to stand firm for our family, our 22 year marriage? Why did we not love each other enough? We had our home we had dreamed of, our kids were almost all adults, we were looking forward to being adults together without kids. There was so much ahead of us. I don't know if it would have made a difference had I done anything differently. Is it worth the anguish of wondering 'What If?' The way my life turned afterwards is nightmarish and if I could have done things differently on my part, I would have.

I love being a mom. I was a great mom. I was the mom my kid's friends called mom. I have very few bad memories, mostly, well, heavenly when I think of them now. My oldest son had become a father, and I gained a perfect, beautiful grand daughter. We connected from the moment I saw her enter this world, and love her more than I would ever have imagined.

When the divorce 'Happened', I felt I had lost everything, in fact did lose much, and the frustration of knowing it was due to someone else's choices made, turned my life in a direction that for me, was Hell. Hell on earth.

Directly following the separation, still in the stages of discernment, our middle son left to spend a year abroad. None of us had been away from the family for such an extended time, so it was a huge adjustment. He was missed terribly, and we went weeks without hearing from him when he was out of phone access. Our oldest son and his little family had moved into the second house on the property, so they were nearby. This left my 17 year old daughter and I in the house alone. We had gone from a family of five, full of family and dinner and visitors to the quiet of only mom and daughter in our home in such a short time. We both felt an incredible amount of indecision, and feeling abandoned. It was on one hand stressful trying to adjust, but there was also a sense of freedom, to do things 'our way' and girly if we wanted, to have friends over without worrying about my husband having an issue with it. There was laughter. There was also peace. We became very close, and those will always be treasured times in my heart.