Igor The Bovine

         It was the twelfth day of Christmas when the mountain crumbled. Igor the Cow started this disaster. Igor was rather maniacal for a Cow. He's the one who caused the Great Chicago Fire back in 1871. That Cow caused the deaths of millions of humans in his long life and he was proud of it. The Cow must have fallen on his head when he was born, because he had a few screws loose (oh no, cliche alert!).

Anyhow, going forward to the mountain incident, old Igor climbed all about these snowy Tyrolean Mountains; the Alps. He was whistling and dancing, and making a big ruckus. It was in the year of 1916, when thousands of soldiers plunkered themselves down and made a base at the foot of the mountains. That was the worst decision of their lives, because Igor danced up and down those Alps, causing snow & rocks to begin sliding down. Soon, the sliding turned into tumbling, and then it was a full blown avalanche. Igor stayed safe and laughed to his heart's content (more cliche!), as he watched the soldiers burial. Some 10,000 soldiers died in that avalanche and the incident was coined as the White Friday of 1916.

         As it turned out, causing terrible disasters wasn't enough for Igor. He wanted more. He wanted power. Igor worked his way into the political system, as the good old Cow of President William Henry Harrison. Eventually, Igor was able to brainwash Mister Harrison and the poor President initiated the Cow as his Vice President. Now Igor was ready for action. He killed the President and took his place. Igor felt like the king of the world, or at least America. He became a cruel and firm President, making himself the first to actually boss people around. Igor was still thirsty for power, though. He declared war against the world and began studying atomic bombs.

         Igor ended up blowing up half of the planet and sternly ruling the other half. When he wanted Cows to have more rights than humans, by Jove, Cows had more rights than humans. Although he gave the Cows freedom of speech and declared that if they were to be eaten, humans were to be eaten as well, the Cows didn't feel very strongly for their King Igor. They felt like he was doing something not even humans were made to do, and they wanted to go back to their simple lives of grazing. Now everyone spent their time on edge, making sure they didn't do something Igor wouldn't approve of.

         Igor had a following of highly dedicated, select humans and Cows. They were his soldiers, his policemen, and his children (metaphorically speaking; for the most part). These select beings built his bombs, fought his wars, and made sure no one broke any of the new rules. Igor was fond of making rules just to mess with everyone. He would tell people that they could no longer breathe indoors, and if one of his people caught a layman taking a deep breath indoors, the poor breather would be whipped in the street. There were various other laws that would just be silly to explain. It's pretty obvious that Igor was strict and insane, with a twinge of MCD.

         The dastardly Cow ruled the world for many years, until one day he just dropped dead. Igor was probably one-hundred years old at that point, and up until then he was still kicking (cliche alert?). His dedicated men found him lying on the ground outside his mansion. There were no signs of injury or poison in his system. He seemed to have just hit his expiration date.

         Igor's death caused the world to fling itself into mass hysteria. No one knew how to live without a ruler anymore, and no one was strong enough to take Igor's place. It was hectic for years, until Claude Maurice Marcel Vorilhon (Rael) came along. Rael took position as ruler, with ease, and quickly got everyone back into shape. People and Cows started functioning normally again, or at least as normally as they ever could after Igor's death. Rael made the Cows be Cows again and that was a change everyone was happy about. They used have to hire janitors for the subway systems, just to clean up the massive Cow-turds.

         Rael was calmer than the previous ruler, and he pretty much let everyone do whatever they wanted, as long as they listened to his hit-singles and became Raelians. People were fairly happy and took to Raelism like any other religion. Some people thought it strange, but after having a Cow as their ruler, their biases had crumbled a bit.

         The world went on, with Ra as ruler until 2009. Then Barack Obama came in, became President, and used his super powers to put the world in order. He erased people's memories of the world rulers, replacing them with memories of Presidents like Bill Clinton, and Queens like Elizabeth the second. All of the sudden, people didn't even remember a time when Cows drove cars, or even when Raelism was the worldwide religion. And that is where we leave off, my dear Watson.