The Insignificance of a Lifesaver

The Insignificance of a Lifesaver

I'm drowning.
In the frigid waters
I'm in over my head-
expectations I cannot meet
love I cannot grasp
friends nowhere in sight.
No direction.
No control.
No support.
And they tell me to breathe easy.
But I'm drowning.
Head underwater
choking, gasping for air.
Scared to break the surface
scared to face the unknown,
the uncertainties.
I'm drowning.
My mind consumed in the flames
of everything that's wrong,
that's missing.
The tears I cry until my heart aches
the hurt and anger that won't go away.
Can I erase the pain
in a car crash-
with drinks until I can't feel-
through cuts that bleed my worst nightmares?
I'm drowning.
The weight of the world keeping me under-
when will I know that I'm okay-
that you're okay-
that we're okay-
that life will hold still so I can see straight?
I'm drowning.
Spiraling farther into the darkness
into the nothingness
to the place where dreams go to die
and the past burns in Hell
and the future becomes a colorless kaleidoscope-
constantly changing and turning back.
I'm drowning.
I want to hold on
but there's nothing to grab.
I want to hold on
but there's no one here
no hand to hold.
I want to hold on
if there's a reason to-
give me a reason.
I want to hold on
but I also want to let go.