Morning coffee with God

At five in the morning, there were certain obstacles in Geoff’s way when it came to getting his first coffee of the day. Tripping over the cat, walking into the breakfast bar in the dark and forgetting to turn the kettle on were but three of them. Today, there was a new one.

‘Who are you?’

‘I’m God,’ said the woman who leant on the cooker, blonde hair falling down her back, mug of coffee in one hand and a cigarette in the other.

‘You’re God.’

‘You’re observant.’

‘You’re a woman.’

She sighed. ‘I get that a lot.’

‘You’re in my kitchen.’

‘And we’re back to observant.’

Geoff blinked, wondering if the vision might disappear. It didn’t.

‘Yes?’

‘You're smoking.’

‘I thought you smoked.’

‘I do.’

‘Then what do you care if I’m doing it?’

‘I--‘ He trailed off. ‘You’re God?’

‘Yup.’

‘Why are you in my kitchen?’

The woman smiled as she extinguished her cigarette in the ashtray. ‘Now there’s the question. You don’t believe in God.’

‘No.’

‘So why are you so accepting of the idea that I am God?’

Geoff paused. It was a decent question. ‘You’re not God?’

‘Fairly sure there’s stuff in the Book about denying me, Geoff.’ She pulled another cigarette from behind her ear and lit it casually. ‘Of course it’s been a while since I read it. Gets updated every few hundred years or so.’

‘You haven’t read the Bible?’

‘I haven’t read all the Bibles. Girl’s got things to do, you know?’

‘I thought you were omnipresent.’

‘I get all the omni’s. Doesn’t seem very realistic, does it?’

‘Well—‘ He rubbed his eyes. The vision remained. ‘the whole God thing never struck me as very realistic, to be honest.’

The woman shrugged. ‘I guess that’s fair enough. If I only had a brain your size I wouldn’t understand it either. Sorry, I brewed some coffee. You want some?’

Geoff nodded and took the offered drink in a haze. ‘You didn’t tell me why you’re in my kitchen.’

‘Attentive, I like that. I thought I’d stay the weekend.’

‘You thought you’d stay the weekend.’

‘You repeat things a lot, has anyone ever told you that?’

‘I repeat—‘ he stopped himself. ‘The weekend?’

‘Saturday through Monday. I’d leave on Sunday but that whole Sabbath thing; you understand.’

Geoff didn’t. ‘Can I have a cigarette, please?’

‘Of course.’ She held the packet out for him. It looked familiar.

‘Are these mine?’

‘I made the world, Geoff. The least you could do is bum me a couple of smokes.’

Still not entirely with it, Geoff nodded agreement.  ‘I guess.’

‘Good man.’

‘But why,’ Geoff took a drag on the cigarette, ‘do you want to stay with me?’

‘You’ve got cable.’

‘Excuse me.’

‘You’ve got cable,’ she repeated, without a hint of deceit. ‘Also, you know, the whole atheism thing. Thought I’d sort that out for you.’

‘You thought you’d “sort out” my “atheism thing”?’

‘That’s what I’m here for. Literally, as it turns out.’

‘Have you ever been here before?’

‘Your kitchen?’

‘Earth?’

‘Of course. Would you build a zoo and then never visit?’

Geoff’s eyes widened. ‘You think of Earth as a zoo?’

‘Well it was supposed to be a theme park but you guys kept blowing things up and killing each other. Wasn’t the right atmosphere.’

‘Earth was built as a theme park?’

‘Pretty much. Needed somewhere to take the kids.’

‘You have kids?’ Geoff’s voice reached a new high.

‘Would be a bit hypocritical if I told all you to get busy with each other and didn’t do it myself. You guys only seem interested in my son, though.’

‘Jesus?’

‘No, Anderson Cooper. Of course Jesus.’

‘Who else is there?’

‘Well, Anderson Cooper, but he doesn’t like to talk about it. Betty White too; she’s one of mine. Was supposed to be home years ago but the little tyke always stays out past bedtime.’

Geoff stopped for a moment as the ash from his cigarette dropped onto his fingers. Wiping it away, he tried to recap so far. ‘So; you’re God, you’re a woman, you built Earth as a theme park and your kids include Anderson Cooper and Betty White?’

‘Nah.’

“What?’

The woman shook her head. ‘You have a wife, Geoff.’

‘Margery.’

‘Margery has a sister.’

‘Yes.’

‘Sheila.’

‘Yeah.’

‘Who you’ve met twice before.’

Geoff’s eyes widened once more. ‘Sheila?’

‘Yes, Geoff.’

‘I need some more coffee.’

‘Yes, Geoff.’