The Last Laugh

“We’ll duel for her,” Malcolm growled at the man who had been making eyes at the lady sitting at the end of the bar. His eyes narrowed on his nemesis, his hand on the gun already. He could taste the blood that would soon flow. “Whoever is left standing will win the girl’s heart. Is this agreed or do you admit to being a coward and not worthy of her?”

“I would never agree to such a thing, especially to someone of your stature. I agree to the duel and I look forward to seeing you lying in a pool of your own blood,” Roger answered. His eyes were drawn to the girl’s chest which was covered more than usual in a saloon. Most of the wenches that entered the watering hole were there for one reason, yet this one seemed different somehow.

“She has too much class to end up with some farmer. Not even a real farmer, that would be respectable, at least you would own land. You are just a lowly assistant. Death should be a welcomed visitor for you.”

“Is that so? I would rather be a farmer’s assistant than the Sheriff’s paid pansy. At least I have balls enough to satisfy this woman, what can you give her? Two pennies and a nickel?” The men glared at each other. The saloon’s door swung open and the Sheriff walked in, his eyes went to the men. “Looks like you won’t be dueling for the girl after all, you’ll be preoccupied with the Sheriff. Tell me how high up his arse does your nose go?”

“Gentlemen if it’s all the same to you, I would prefer not to be fought over. I am not interested in either one of you, especially if you think that you can win my heart by killing one another.” She brushed a golden lock from her eyes. Her voice was deep and throaty, all three men were stunned by it. “If any of you had just asked me, I would have told you that I am not interested in either one of you.”

“If you two are going to duel over this little lady here, then you all need to take it outside. The owner is tired of having to clean up blood because of duels.” The Sheriff headed out of The Saloon but not before turning back one last time, and nodding his head to Malcolm. “It’ll be a nice day when this boy here finishes you off. No one particularly cares for you and you certainly don’t deserve a girl that pretty.”

“Did nobody hear me say that I wasn’t interested in violence or anyone who participates in it? Furthermore, I did say that I was not interested in either one of you. I’m sorry but you boys are just not my cup of tea.” The Lady flounced her way into the bathroom, she clicked the lock and the men turned their attentions to one another.

“It’s funny that she thinks that she has a choice in the matter,” Malcolm barked out a laugh. Roger soon joined in, however both men still had their hands on the guns in their holsters. “That little lady deserves a man who can show her what it means to be with a cowboy, not some little cowpoke who doesn’t know what to do with a lady.”

“The last lady that you were with was made of plastic,” Roger snarked. They made their way out of the saloon. The few patrons that were in the bar followed them out of the bar, making sure to stand away from the dueling men.

Once their guns were drawn, Roger and Malcolm turned their backs to one another and walked three paces. With precision they each turned around and cocked their guns, both were ready to shoot.

“This is your final chance to admit defeat and let me have the girl. She would much rather have me than you.” No response was needed, which suited both of the men just fine. Their guns fired a shot, as the bullets raced towards the men, they both dropped to the ground.

Two more rounds of shots were fired, as the lady walked out of the saloon. She looked at the men on the ground, and shook her head. She raised her gun once more and shot at each of the men. Once both had a pool of blood surrounding them she turned to the group. “I told them that I wasn’t interested. I don’t know why they wouldn’t listen to me.”

Then she hiked up her skirt, revealing genitalia that is not associated with a woman and let the skirt drop back down. As she sauntered away, there were murmurs coming from the crowd. When she got on her horse, the talk stopped.
When she was far enough away, she stopped the horse and jumped off. The Sheriff came out of the shadows and wrapped his arms around her. “Did you take care of those two idiots?”

“You know I did.” They kissed. The lady pulled away and gave him a knowing look. “Now you know what you have to do.”

“I know.” He began to undress. When he looked up, he was surprised to see a gun being leveled at him. When the trigger was pulled, he heard the last thing he would ever hear, the lady laughing.

“All men are alike, they only think with one part.”