Sea Turtles

Sea Turtles

“Mommmmmy? When I grow up can I be a turtle?”

I looked down at my baby, her wide blue eyes completely serious. I picked her up and walked down the dock towards the informational plaque, making a “hmmm” noise like I was considering it.

“Well, Juju-baby, turtles live to be really really old, so that would be cool. Sea turtles live to about 150, and this little plaque here says there’s one in China who’s 403. Olllld.” I made a funny face and she smiled. “But, you know if you decide to be a turtle then you have to live in the ocean like that guy. And Mommy and Daddy don’t live in the ocean. ”

I shifted her onto my right hip and pointed out the big old leatherback turtle just under the surface a few feet to our left.

Juju considered this. Her nose scrunched up a bit.

“Well, if I live in the ocean, I can still see you and Daddy because you can be a turtle too!”

She smiled so big at this idea that I just had to swoop her up into the air above my head. “Whooooh! Brilliant idea baby!”

She laughed like she was flying, and I brought her down to rub her nose with mine. My little turtle.

Joe finally made his way up the dock, tugging the stroller behind him over the uneven boards. He had sunburn all along his nose and cheeks because we’d forgotten to reapply his after the beach, and his shirt was bunched up strangely where it was tucked into his pants, too big for him. I bit my lip, pushing back my thoughts as I walked over to him with Juju, and gave him a gentle kiss. I wasn’t going to ruin this. He smiled.

“Hey Ems, Julie, have you two been enjoying the turtles?” he asked, letting go of the stroller and wrapping an arm around my waist.

Juju started squirming, so I set her down and she ran off to get a closer look. I settled softly against Joe and nodded into his shoulder. “Mhmmmm, but there might be a bit of a complication.”

“Oh?” he queried, “and what is that?”

From my position buried against his neck I could hear that he had raised his eyebrows.

“We may have to figure out a way to turn the whole family into turtles. I may have, sort of, possibly, agreed that it was a brilliant idea.”

Joe laughed, all rumbly against my ear. I pulled back and smiled at him. He took my hand in his and walked after Juju, “Not a problem my love, I’ll get right on it. We’ll all be turtles if it’s the last thing I do.”


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That night at dinner I started crying. Right in the middle of the Sun Breeze Bar and Grill. I don’t know exactly what set it off. Cancun was so beautiful, and my abalone fritters were delicious, and Jo was telling Juju about the beach we would go to tomorrow, and I just started crying and couldn’t stop.

It was all so perfect, and all I could do was look at the half lemon on the side of my plate wrapped in a little mesh baggie, blurring yellow.

It got silent for a moment, and then I felt a little hand on my lap.

“It’s okay Mommy, you don’t have to be sad.”

I looked over at Juju’s serious little face, her angel curls, and I felt like crying even more, but I didn’t. I gave her a tiny smile and said “you’re right honey. Mommy’s just going to go to the bathroom for a minute. I’ll be right back.”

Then I helped her into her seat and walked quickly to the ladies room.


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The next day we went to the beach again, and Juju played in the aqua blue waters for hours. In the morning, Joe felt too tired to get up, but he joined us for a bit after lunch, and he and Juju made a sandcastle and buried rocks in the sand.

I walked over to them with the sunblock, determined to make both of them lather up, especially Joe. His hair and eyebrows were just starting to grow back, the skin underneath burnt pink in the tropical sun.

Joe was holding a smooth tan rock, watching Juju dig another hole. “Julie, honey, wouldn’t you rather keep the pretty rocks? We can collect seashells too.”

Juju shook her head solemnly.

“No daddy, this is how the mommy turtles bury the eggs. We have to bury them in the sand or there can’t be any babies.”

“Ahhh,” he nodded sagely, “I see.”

I sat down next to him and started delicately smearing Hawaiian Tropic SPF 50 all over his face as Juju kept digging. I covered the top of his head with extra SPF, protecting it the best I could with a thick creamy layer. When I was done, he looked like a geisha, and he smelled like a pina colada, but at least he wouldn’t burn again. He smiled at me, quirking his lips the way I loved.

“You know Ems, I’m not really burned that badly. You don’t have to use the whole tube.”

I started on his neck and shoulders, ignoring him, smoothing the lotion over his skin, feeling it on my fingertips. I was tracing his collarbone when he grabbed me, gently pulling me against his sandy chest, grinning.

“What are you doing?” I asked, peering up as his mischievous, solid-white face.

Joe looked at Juju, who was watching us. “Julie, don’t you think Mommy looks like she needs a big ol’ kisser-oo?”

Juju started laughing, and I made an exaggerated horrified expression, pretending to try to get away as Juju said “yeah! Kiss mommy!”

Joe quickly leaned down and gave me a big kiss, wiping his face all over mine and only stopping once I was thoroughly covered in white coconuty oil. He then let go, and they both started having a laughing fit as I yelled “Retreat! Retreat!” and ran back up the beach.

I sat down back at our beach chairs, rubbing the sun block into my face as I watched Joe wipe off some of his and pick the tube up out of the sand to redo Juju’s. I was sticky, and warm, and sandy, and I tried to absorb that moment sitting there on the chairs, hearing the waves and the laughter of my two favorite people in the world. I wished I had a video camera on me, but I knew even that wouldn’t be enough. I wanted to preserve this moment, exactly the way I felt it right now. The way it smelled, and sounded, and how present it was. I wanted to be able to come back to Cancun and this moment in my mind, to visit whenever I wanted. To be able to dig my toes into the soft graininess of the sand and run back over to sit down and bury rocks with Joe and Juju.

I was so happy we had taken this trip. I grabbed Juju’s strawberry water, and a Coke to share with Joe, and headed back down to the water.

I didn’t want to miss one bit of this paradise. I felt like I could blink and it would be gone.

Joe went back to the room to rest a bit before dinner, and then Juju and I joined him and had a lovely, tear-free meal. Juju tried star fruit for the first time but she didn’t really like it. She thought all its tastiness went into making it pretty instead. I worked on convincing her to eat more vegetables since that is what turtles eat.

That night after we had put Juju to sleep, Joe and I sat up in bed for awhile, just cuddling. His hair was kind of growing back from stopping treatment, and it was fuzzy, so I laid there and played with it, feeling the way it stood up straight, but gave under pressure from my fingertips. So easy to make it lie flat. I kept pushing it down, over and over again.

Joe pulled me to his chest and held me in his arms, quietly breathing, just being with me.

I think when we first got married, and even before that, when we were dating, we never really used to do that. Not enough. We were always talking, kissing, getting into tickle fights, watching Dr. Who, having sex- we were always in motion.

And those things were great. I remember one night when we were dating where we pretended to be Pokémon having a battle. He “tackle attack”-ed me into the pillows, and then used “lick attack” all over my face, declaring that it was super-effective. It was weird, mildly gross, and incredibly fun. I will probably never forget how I felt in that moment, flailing and laughing in his arms, but just being still together in Cancun was amazing too. It was deeper somehow. I felt the way his breath moved his chest up and down with the side of my face and it became a part of me.

I would probably never forget that either.

The room we were in was lovely, all light blue, silver and white. Flowy, beachy, and only mildly sandy. It was expensive, but this vacation was special so we splurged and came to the Solario. It was worth it. The bed was ridiculously comfy, and I found myself drifting off, even though I didn’t really want to. Being like that, pulled up against Joe’s chest, moving gently up and down with each breath he took rocked me to sleep in a way I hadn’t felt in ages, completely safe and happy.

In our beautiful, beachy room, my face moved up and down in a slow soothing rhythm, and I could pretend that that rhythm would never end. And I could let it be a part of me, because I was too happy and too tired to be afraid. And I could get lost in that rhythm and be that rhythm and let it soothe me to sleep.

The next day we did go to the beach again, and we went back to the docks with the turtles because Juju wanted to. We played on the sand, and ate in the sun, and smiled more than I thought I ever would again, because the next day we were going home, and it was time to tell Juju.

That night we were packing our suitcases, Juju and I, while Joe watched from the bed. Juju’s version of packing consisted of running around her mini, purple suitcase in circles, tossing shells in. I looked at Joe, and he looked back at me, saying with his eyes that he knew it was time for what we had agreed. I was supposed to start. I folded my t-shirt three times, smoothing out the wrinkles. My hands felt cold, clammy, so I got up to turn down the AC. The dial was stuck, and I twisted the little knob, but nothing happened. I kept trying, the little ridges on it digging into my fingers as I sucked in super cold air. It wouldn’t warm up. It just wouldn’t. I couldn’t even stop the room from being cold. I turned the cold all the way up, giving in, letting it be cold, gasping it into my lungs. I felt my eyes tear up, and I turned around to look at Joe, shivering. He frowned and looked away: sad, understanding. He began for me, seeing that I couldn’t.

“Julie, honey?” he tried to get her attention. She plopped down on the floor, and began sorting seashells into piles. She didn’t even look up as she answered “Yeah, Daddy?”

He cleared his throat, raking a hand across his head the way he used to when his hair was long. “Julie, do you remember how Daddy was very sick for a while? How you and Mommy came to visit me in the hospital where everything was all clean so that I could get better?”

“Mhmm,” Juju murmured, holding a mussel shell in her hand and looking at its shiny inside.

“Well baby,” Joe paused and looked at me as I sat down next to him, “Sometimes… sometimes the hospital can’t fix people up all the way. Sometimes people stay sick on the inside and the doctors just can’t get it all out.”

Juju didn’t say anything, little hands wrapped around the shell. Joe was so much braver than me.

He continued, “Julie, I know you were so happy when I got to come home from the hospital. I wanted to see you and Mommy every day and come here and have lots of fun. But you should know that I am still sick on the inside. So… so if Daddy is a little too tired some days, or can’t come outside and play, I want you to know why. I want you to know that I love you, but Daddy is still very, very sick baby. And I am not going to get better.”

Juju kept staring at the mussel, frozen for a minute. I felt frozen too, but it was on the inside, and this time I was the first to move. I picked up a little pink sweater and pulled Juju’s arms through the sleeves. Her little eyes were serious, older somehow than they should be, and I couldn’t help it; I started to cry. I pulled her against me, and sat there on the floor, a scallop shell digging into my calf, rocking my baby against me. My eyes felt like they didn’t belong to me anymore, leaking saltwater all over my face, and I couldn’t understand why no one else was crying.

Joe lowered himself to the floor behind me, resting his back against the bed. He pulled me gently between his legs and wrapped his arms around both of us. Juju looked at Joe for a moment. She put one hand on his chin, and then turned to me. “It’s okay Mommy,” she said, wiping my tears off my chin with her palm, “turtles live a long time.”

I sucked in a deep breath. I wasn’t made to handle this.

I wanted so desperately to be six again. To believe that I could have Joe with me for the next 150 years, swimming under waves and through seaweed, with our little baby turtle racing ahead of us. I wanted it so badly that I could see it, under the angry red black of my closed eyelids whole oceans swam, tuna fish, sea urchins, coral, and the saltwater leaking out of the corners was just overflow.

The world would be so big and empty without Joe.

Just me and my little turtle.

I felt Joe’s hand on my hair, stroking gently, pulling me back to the world and calming me slowly. We sat that way for a while, the three of us on the floor, and when I had stopped crying Joe got up and helped Juju get ready for bed. He tucked her in and told her that she was such a good girl, his brave warrior princess, and that he loved her more than anything. Then he lowered himself slowly to the floor next to me and finished packing the suitcases. I’m not sure how long we sat like that, folding clothes together, but when we finished we got into bed together, and I rested my head against his chest again, listening to his heartbeat.

I wanted to cry more, but I felt too empty of tears, like I’d been dried up earlier.

“Emma,” Joe whispered, running his hands through my hair again, “I’m… so sorry that this is so hard for you. I would give anything to stay here with you and Julie.” I traced a pattern on his t-shirt.

“I know,” I whispered back. “I can’t even imagine how hard this is for you. Sometimes, I get selfish I think. I get overwhelmed, and then you have to be strong.” I took in a deep breath. “And you shouldn’t have to be the one who is strong in all this.”

He shook his head and I could feel the movement through his chest, “Ems, I will be strong for you for as long as I possibly can. When I think of all the nights you are going to have to be strong on your own…” he tightened his grip on my torso, unable to respond.

“This trip was so nice. Just to leave it all behind and try to be happy together,” I filled in the silence, swallowing big lumps of nothing that had formed in my throat.

“I’ve been so happy,” he responded, hugging me to him, his voice full where mine was empty.

We fell asleep like that, arms wrapped around each other.


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The next morning on our way out of the hotel, we stopped in the gift shop. Joe bought something big, but wouldn’t let either Juju or me see inside the bag. “It’s a surprise,” he said. He wouldn’t let either of us even guess what it was, zipping it up inside his suitcase and herding us into our taxi to the airport.

I had forgotten about the bag by the time he gave it to me, unpacking suitcases after dinner that night in our room.

Inside was a giant plushie sea turtle, with soft silky green skin and a cuddly brown shell. It had a happy face, big eyes. “It’s for Julie,” he explained.

I ran my hand down its back, feeling the warm fuzz of it and smiling. “It’s so cute,” I said, “She’ll love him Joe. What’s his name? Should we give him to her now?”

“No,” he said quietly, “I want you to give it to her when I’m gone. To show her that I will always be there for her.”

I tried to stop him, “Joe.”

“No, Ems, listen, I… I want you to tell her then that I’m swimming off into the ocean, into the sky, that I’m happy, that I love you two more than life. Tell her I’ll be her turtle for hundreds and hundreds of years. Forever.”

I held the sea turtle to my chest, feeling the oceans inside me, feeling forever inside me. I closed my eyes.

“Okay.”

And I could see us, Juju and I, her clutching onto her little turtle, me clutching onto mine, each holding a piece of Joe in our arms long after he’d drifted away.