I'm Glad We Happened

Often, when I think of you, I think of this moment: I’m lying next to you on the mat, my feet buried in the sand, cold and itching from mosquito bites, your hair strewn across the blanket that I brought as our makeshift pillow, your fingers tiptoeing across my skin, tracing letters and forming ridiculous words which you made me guess. We’ve been here a hundred times before but today felt different. Today, the stars danced for us, and the ocean seemed to wash up the shore a little more, and our heartbeats seemed to be in sync with everything else. Lying there next to you, I felt emotions that I didn’t think could converge – happiness and sadness.

The fullness I felt in my heart was something new. Sure, I had been in love before but this felt different. I was so much more aware of everything that was going on; I was taking charge for once and taking us both to places we had always wanted to go. I felt accomplished, lying next to you. Perhaps content would be a better word but then again, I don't think there is a word good enough to describe what I feel for you. Despite my happiness, there was something else lingering above me, something like a deep, gnawing sadness. For every minute that I felt happy, my mind felt conflicted. It felt wrong and stupid to be this happy. Even as I laid there next to you, and you told me you loved me and I told you that I loved you too, I knew this was all short lived. The focal point is this; what we have is temporary and I knew that all too well. No one talks about it but that doesn't make it any less true. I kept trying to believe that we would still be together till the end of time; that fifty years from now, I’d be lying next to you on the beach, bones brittle, knees giving way, skin droopy with age but still happy. But I know that would never happen. How would it be possible? We would be in different places 50 years from now. Would you even remember me, 50 years from now?

Still, I am grateful for you. If someone had told me 5 years ago that it was possible to feel happiness just from lying next to somebody, bodies not even in contact, little fingers touching just slightly in the middle, I would have called that person insane. A romantic sap. But now I know how it feels. And it doesn’t matter that it is only temporary. It doesn't matter that happiness is short lived. What matters is we feel happy at all. What matters is ten years from now, when we look back at everything, we are able to smile and think, “God I was so stupid. But I’m glad that happened”.

And you know something? Despite everything, I am glad we happened.