Where am I.

I am not healthy nor am I ill. I am stuck in the middle floating in-between existence and a day dream. My skin is not bruised, my bones are not broken and I don’t need stitches but yet I cannot walk the streets, drive a car or have a place of my own. I live in a dorm but I am not a school student, the gates are high and the visiting hours are short.

Maybe tomorrow I will remember to tie my shoes and brush my hair, but I didn’t today so I guess I will have too wait another day. I circle the yard several times. It’s rare that the sun hits the back corner so I take advantage of it. I don’t mind sitting here alone, there isn’t much company within the people that are here. They make me feel sane, well as sane as you can feel pouring your cereal three times in one hour. The sun on my skin feels amazing I could lay here all day without a bother. I start to give in to the sleepy feeling that was crawling up on me, taking over my legs and eventually to my head.

My eyes shoot open I roll over to see the bright red light beaming at me 4.05am, I must’ve fallen asleep and it triggered the loss of the past ten hours, last I remember I was walking out to the corner to the field. I’m awake now and agitated, I hate the fact that I can’t remember what I was doing, Like I could have spoken to someone really important and not even know, although I doubt anyone half interesting would come to this nut house, I wouldn’t if it wasn’t for the fact that I can’t even remember what I did thirty seconds ago. I get out of bed and turn the lamp on. Open my desk draw and get out my pencils and sketchpad, its usually what calms me when I go all dementia on myself. It’s lucky I even get to have pencils and paper. I have never been aggressive towards myself or anyone else and that has its benefits, I can get packages delivered and I can spend lots of time outside and my family don’t have to see me through a glass pane like I am some tiger at a zoo exhibition. My family coming to visit is like some drama show, one half laughing and the other crying. My mum mostly cries and that makes my dad upset but my older sister Sophie always comes in good spirit with a story to tell me, it could be the same story for all I know, my memory is about as good as a goldfish, nether the less she makes me happy and for a moment it doesn’t really matter that I don’t belong on the outside or in here.

My alarm startles me from a soft sleep, It’s 7.30am and time for breakfast, I get changed into some track pants, nothing much else to wear it isn't like this place is known for its entries in fashion week. I walk down the stairs slowly, half asleep. I walk past reception down to the cafeteria, I can hear an unfamiliar voice, it had spark which by the way a lot of people lack around here. There stood a tall unfamiliar figure in jeans and a hoodie, he looked around my age. He had two suitcases with him, the nurses were searching them. I finally stopped staring and sat down at the table, I wasn’t really hungry, I was distracted by who that boy was, it is very rare to have someone so close to my age check in here, and if they do its only ever for a minute amount of time. I wandered back up to my room to grab a book to read, a nurse was checking him into the single room across the hall. The section was for low risk patients, which basically means I am low on the scale of kooky. I noticed him smiling at me. I looked away out of panic and grabbed my stuff and left. I wandered out to the field and sat closest to the back but still in reach of the sun. I open my book at the last page I read, well I don’t really know that I read the page but I am assuming I have because the right corner of the page is folded over, I am assuming I read it yesterday in between the ten hours that are playing hide and seek on me and so far I am loosing.

The sun quickly disappears and a shadow reaches the top of my book, I look up to find that unfamiliar figure in jeans and a hoodie standing over me “Hey” he says with a nervous streak in his voice.
“urrr hey” I reply “do you wanna sit?” I asked, I sort of felt obliged though, he takes a seat.
“So how long have you been here?”
“Just over two years” I reply, great now I really sound crazy.
“Wow, how do you cope, so far my first hour has been a nightmare”.
“ahhh I suppose you get used to it, you adapt to the idea of it, I just call myself sane but I suppose thats ironic”.
“haha nope whatever helps you cope I suppose” he replied with a slight subtle grin.
I felt so alive sitting her having a conversation, I wasn’t normal and neither was he and thats ok because we couldn't really judge each other on our level of weird. We seemed to talk forever, and for the first time in a very long time I didn’t feel like whacking the person I was talking to with the closest object.

The heat from the sun was gone, we walked side by side when I realised. “Hey you never told me your name newby” I said with a sarcastic tone.
“hahaha well I am sam, and you are?”
“Malia”
“Well Malia I suppose I shall see you later”

I skipped dinner, the food sucked here I’d rather starve until I annoy my family enough to bring me something amazing I can devour, but that ended badly last time I lost my memory as I was in the middle of some cookies and I didn’t remember finishing them, anyway I cried because I thought nobody brought me food…

I lay in bed, curled in my sheets. I am actually really tired. As I was loosing consciousness to the world there was a knock at the door, weird because it is way past lockup time, I open it its Sam with a large grin on his face. I yell silently at him and ask what his doing “relax, I won’t get caught. I was excited he had risked getting caught to see me. We sat on the end of my bed for hours, till dawn no sleep, just talking. That’s when I realised I didn’t need to be on the outside or to be ‘sane’ all I needed was someone to join me in my life long game of hide and seek memory loss edition. I wasn’t on the outside I was exactly where I needed to be, I didn’t need to walk outside these gates to have my insane courage, I had it right here the courage to still keep reading even if i forget tomorrow.