Doctor Cliffbaum

“It’s Antony. No H. Doctor Antony von Cliffbaum.”

“Erm, yes, doctor. The letter said you had a solution to Madam Nikki’s problem. Her mounts keep rusting.”

“And the letter had my name spelled as ‘Anthony’, did it? No, don’t look at me that way. This is important. What’s your name? Speak up!”

“Shirtrance. Globule Shirtrance.”

“Well fornicate me, that’s an awful name. I was going to mispronounce it but… Well, wow. Just… wow…”

“Doctor Cliffbaum.”

“Von Cliffbaum.”

“… Dr. Von Cliffaum, your solution?”

“For?”

“Madam Nikki. Her mounts. The steam keeps rusting them, making the dragons chafe and become unpleasant to be around.”

“She keeps steamers instead of fire breathers?”

“When they’re not being used as transports, they can assist in keeping her energy costs down. They can fill steam tanks faster than most supply depots.”

“Sounds fascinating. Really. Tell her to fashion some brass mounts. And I’d imagine that some fire breathing dragons could be used to heat water and generate steam. But I’m not a dragon rider so what do I know?”

“Brass, sir?”

“Doctor.”

“Brass, doctor? Doctor Cliff… Doctor Von Cliffbaum?”

“Yes, brass. A low-zinc variant, similar to what’s used on those ugly u-boats. Hey, you think that’s what the U stands for? ‘Ugly’?”

“Uh, I believe it’s, uh, ‘underwater boat’. Sir. Doctor. How’s Madam Nikki to supply herself with that quality of brass? And for so many dragons?”

“How many we talking here? Does the madam have her own fleet up in Colorado?”

“She has… enough dragons to feel safe in this world’s economic turmoils.”

“I hear that, Shirtrance. Ever since those Victorians started populating America with their fancy steam engines, it seems like electricity has taken a back seat to that muggy means of motorization.”

“Muggy?”

“Yeah, very. You get all hot when you get caught in a steam dump. And I don’t even wanna think about what all that extra steam is doing to our atmosphere.”

“I look up and see only clouds, Doctor Von Cliffbaum.”

“Then maybe I’m wrong. But not about the brass. Now give me that letter, I need to see… I knew it! Antony, not Anthony! How do I fix this?”

“Your’s is a name we picked up from a professor in Old Nebraska.”

“Ah, Professor Stonefish?”

“I believe that was his name, yes.”

“Makes sense. I proved him wrong in that the Victorians would make us adapt to their steam ways rather than let us move forward with electricity.”

“How droll.”

“Yes, quite. And you were directed here by… I’m assuming the local postmaster general?”

“He has a very unusual engine. It’s steam but the steam smells of flowers.”

“Dreckridge puts floral waste in his tanks. Says he’s making the land smell better where the garbage men don’t tread. I tell him that’s why he’s going through twice as many s-cars but he doesn’t listen. Old fool.”

“Well, yes, him. He knew you as ‘Anthony’.”

“I have to get this fixed. All the advances this steam revolution has provided and we can’t even get a man’s name correct in the census? This is 1875, for God’s sake!”

“I thank you for you time, Doctor Von Cliffbaum. Madam Nikki will also be thankful if the brass that you’ve recommended is available to her in the near future. And if it’s not, you can expect some unpleasantly chafed steam dragons to be at your doorstep.”

“Great sounds dreadful. Take care, now!”

“Farewell, doctor.”

“Well, as long as I’m getting my name corrected, maybe Antony Von Cliffbaum is a little too conspicuous. I can tell Dreckridge that I’m really… Paver Steamgarten. Because Madam Nikki is definitely going to be coming after me now. I haven’t met a dragon, steamer or otherwise, that wasn’t allergic to brass!”



Word Count: 624