Life Collides

When life does a 180 in a matter of a day, then time takes new meaning. It slows down and echoes like the cry of a lone wolf from the depths of a mountain. It is especially hard when you are used to noise and people. You still continue to hear the ghosts of your past, the laughter and the hours of meaningless banter. You know that is has not been permanently taken away from you, those days of normalcy. It’s only harder to reach and somehow that makes it worse. You try to amuse yourself, you become an author, an avid reader, try new things which have no meaning to you, anything to keep your mind from wandering, from wishing to reverse time. You travel back to your sacred haven once in a way but even that has become hard now. But still you hold on to those few and rare days like it is your lifeline and maybe in many ways it is. Solitude is like water, you can’t survive without it; but you can handle only small quantities at a time. Too much and it kills you.

Those who said that “the test by fire makes fine steel” hit the nail on the head. You feel like a cold lump getting harder and colder with each passing day. You don’t like the person you are becoming but there is nothing you can do, survival has kicked in and made you what you are today. You think of things you want to do and then painstakingly strike out the ones you are not supposed to do. The few left behind bring tears to your eyes. The moral lessons and the hours of confidence building people put into your childhood has come to nothing. They lied to your face. No you can’t do anything you set your mind to. No you are not an independent person who is going to take the world by storm. You have no say in things that happen with your life and there is no way you are going to complete even two entries in your bucket list.

Early mornings are the worst. Somehow they always brought with them new possibilities. The Armageddon that was supposedly approaching, never seemed too bad in the light of dawn, but that has long changed. Now you wake up with the same burst of energy ready to take on the world, but that’s just a 10 second lapse in judgment. You might be ready to take on the world but you are no longer allowed to. The world will take care of itself you just have to watch it do so. You live a surreal existence; nothing seems to impact you. You begin to wonder if maybe you are an observer from outer space, the mother ship is going to zap you back and ask you about your findings soon. You have the points ready. That ship never comes and you continue with your day looking forward to the 10 seconds tomorrow morning when fantasy world would remain intact.

Looking ahead proves to be more painful than looking back. Endless days of solitude and confinement are never good for the psyche. You have the power to change all this but are too scared to and this knowledge only adds to the deafening silence. You have long since resigned yourself to this future, but that does not mean you can’t travel on your trips of fantasy. You zip through time in a way that would have made Einstein jealous. The world is brighter, colors more vivid. Then the phone or the cooker whistle drags you back to reality. You place that false smile on your face and get ready to navigate another day without crumbling to the floor. Hello society here is your latest victim.