HURT

HURT

I know how my body is fragile,
without any power, killed even with feathers. I know my mind is of
the divine nature, but from the point of view of both the intellect
and the will, my body would decompose. I know my spirit with the
power of omniscience, ever blind and ignorant in every respect. Just
like GOD. I know my life is a misery, but nevertheless, and in the
end, I know that I'm a human being. So proud, but it's still a
miserable thing.

Why don't you just die?! You hate
life, you're miserable all the time, afraid to enjoy yourself even a
little. Face it; you might as well be dead already. Do yourself a
favour, give up!

But I don't! I'm not a
coward! I remember the moments I spent with you and all pain ceases;
or does it?

I
think if you can't handle some things, suppress those. My
subconscious is not used to run for cover while my eyes are scorched
to see the beating. I'm shutting down all senses. It
suppresses all the memories in the corner of my subconscious, to see
me going high, like floating. But
no longer does that work. Even the smallest events that I can't
figure out where to put in a row of memories sit on top of my head
and piles up to uncomfortable heights. I'm sorry; I'm not used to
this. It multiplies till you can taste the fire burning your lips. So
this time, I choose to go blank.

This
is a request to be left alone.

No
talk. No telling. Smoking. Just smoking.

Half
a pack of cigarettes per day become too less to smoke. And then there
are nights.

During
the day, it doesn't make sense, I can't decide. Because everything
looks better when the sun goes down. I take all the decisions that
shouldn't be taken in the darkness.

Makes
sense.

Now
I'll have more time for myself, and I see how people are more
comfortable outside during the day. Lies and truths in the face of
the Sun I reckon, are more comfortable at night. At night I can make
different alternatives.

Just
alone at night. I do not care to be with someone else. I think I
don't have to talk.

I
listen to all the songs stored in my brain. Like sarcasm of all the
bent and oblong events to be reminded again and again and again.

This
is not a problem. Just more cigarettes.

But
listening to the songs hidden in these delirious events is the real
problem for me.

I
know that in the end, I 'm not going to stop. Because nothing is ever
meant to trust.

Even
God.

No
one understands me, so I 'm not fronting .Afraid to use the same
people in the same patterns.

With
some it's
quite the opposite.
People understand and remember. They hit a dead end in the face of
the most unexpected things and
then they justify themselves even though deep down inside they know
they are unfair.

I've
been beaten numerous times. I live on the same planet as you do and
there are a lot of these unpleasant experiences. But
nothing is ever meant to trust. Not even God.
As a result, no one stays in my life. However, they
all break my pride, there are open wounds , such as never as a whole
will they be used as the perfect pieces.

Then
they throw a heavier way back expecting the things they want me to
do, the same way you did.

But
this time I caught you. I have kept a lot of things inside me for a
long time. You,
of all people, at least be different! 

But
aren't you different?

I
really need a clear path. I never found a way to share it with you .I
wouldn't have done the same error if I lived again.So,
even a bit of love can make you trust, although, nothing is ever
meant to trust .

Even
God .