Hats eat your brains

         Hats eat your brains; it's a widely known thing. They latch onto your scalp and suck...suck...suck until you have nothing left in your noggin. I don't know why they do this, or how they could be so mean to people, but I do know that we must stop them. I am officially declaring a WAR on hats.
         Put down your baseball caps, top hats and strange, posh things no one really likes. Any type of hat will kill you in an instant. Without a glance, if they actually had eyes. Things with no eyes, that's what hats are. Yet they will suck your brains out.
         Each single strand of hair you have is an individual straw for your brains to be sucked through. So only bald people are safe from that method. No straw, no suck, no DEATH.
         Hair Gel has joined hats in the rebellion on head rights. It sinks into your head, through the straws you call hair and takes control from within your mind. Mind control; that has to be illegal.
         I will burn any hat I see. I will dice up any cap I see. If I but even smell a strand of hair with hair gel on, I will cut it down to the scalp. I don't really know where I'm going with this war. It's not like hats really die. Some idiot just sews them back up and they continue mindlessly murdering.
         Although, I haven't actually heard of anyone dying with hats on their heads. The hats must frame another member of the clothing, "Oh, sorry Officer. It wasn't me, I swear! It was the sock on the right foot!"
         This is just plain ridiculous. Who cares if hats kill people? It's not like anyone clever is going to put one of those stupid hair-warmers on!
         "Johnson Stewart."
         Oh, that's my name! I'm graduating today. Come to think of it, this mortarboard feels rather itchy!