Shattered

Shattered

We all have our moments of suffering that is so intense that it takes our breath away. Our heart races, our stomach is in knots. Our muscles are weighed down with all the pain and emotions of every thought and feeling that we not only feel but those around us. For me personally every inch of my body screamed for release, the weight of the world as they say was killing me. I could not think clearly any more. All I could do was feel, feel things that I could not put to words. How could one person feel so much pain and then I think of him and I realize nothing that I feel compares to what he is feeling. I can’t breathe, I need air, and I need help. What in the world am I too do? How can I be the strong for him when I feel anything but strong? The fear is killing my emotions I am starting to feel numb because it’s too much pain.



As I look around me the sky is getting darker and darker, it is almost black out. The thunder rolls around me and any other time I would jump but at this moment it’s as though the thunder comes from inside me. It almost as a release of what I am feeling inside. The rain poured instantly, not a soft steady flow but a hard hail beating down on me, beating the feelings into every cell of my body pushing and pushing for an explosion. My breathing gets even faster and faster until I am gasping for air and then the lightning strike, and again it strike pushing and pushing.



Then the thunder and lightning strike against me overcoming me in a way that I screamed out and with that scream I became one with the thunder and lighting and I screamed again and again. I screamed for help and the tears ran down my face. I screamed for God! …  Help Me God! ... Help me God! … Tears ran down my face. At that moment in time I prayed to God to take it, take the pain away, to help him, to heal him, to help me to help him, to give me strength. I just picture him in my mind, pictured him dying alone and in pain, not being able to say goodbye, not being with him when he took his last breath. I called out for God to help me again. I could think anymore there was nothing else no thoughts no emotions. I felt nothing.



Slowly things started to change inside me and I looked up into the sky and my breath was taken away. It felt like time had frozen and there in the sky the clouds parted enough to let beams of sunshine shine through the darkness and at the same time I felt a change. It didn’t come across slowly but instantly. Instantly I knew. I knew that he was going to be ok. No matter if he lived or if he died that everything was going to be ok. With this realization came a peace that I have never felt before. I knew that everything is going to be ok in a way that one knows to breathe and that the sky is blue. It was an absolute truth. There was no more yet there was everything. There was life, hope and love.