Love Utopia

Love Utopia

Had a real heart crush three years ago. I Can still feel it even today, strong as it always has been. I had moved away to another city. A new university awaited me and I was so full of enthusiasm. Year before I had kissed goodbye for my last relationship. It was a difficult one for me... don't know if it was because of my strict expectations of how I wished another person to be or something else that just didn't add up in our romance. I quit it and moved on.

I think it all scared me a little. I couldn't think of falling in love with anyon for a long, long time. Couldn't even remember how that felt. Not until this autumn anyway...

It was great and fancy day indeed. Starting over in a new institution, filled with people who craved to get familiar with new fellow students. I was one out of sixty people so it wasn't actually a miracle that I couldn't spot her right away... the first and last woman in my life that I would be ready to give anything for. I know it feels the biggest cliché in the world. But despite how many times it has been said, written and recorded, the truth yet remains; I love her.

Everything was like swirling social tornado for the first couple of weeks. Tons of new people, new tasks, new enviroments... even the local climate was a little bit different from what I had used to. We had great seminars about our subject and all kinds of drunken envelope's openings. But one of these was above others. It was an expedition to the local research station.

We arrived there during forenoon. Really fresh place... middle of the forest. Ideal place to be just with these people alone and no one else to bother. So we began to have all sorts of lecturers about the life and studying in university. We got to know with professors and other personel from our department and even had a first touch in gathering bug- and soil samples. That was more awesome that it sounds of...

Anyway... The girl that I would fall into didn't actually read quite the same subject as I did. But they were so closely related that practically we were part of the same department. Yet it took time before we managed to bump into each others.

It was in the evening when we spinned the bottle. I can't recall all the things we said or played there, Actually the only thing I could remember was this one girl. With brown, midium hair... bright, green eyes, just enough freckles to make it perfect. I felt like a thorny vine would have grown inside my chest. It hurt, it burned.. I felt like my life had a meaning once again. Yet I was way too shy to go and talk to her. I was a whimp (and still am). This almost cost me everything.

A couple of weeks passed since this expedition. We saw with thiss girl occasionally at university. Sometimes we got along really well and I got her laught. Then sometimes it felt like I wouldn't have been any physical creature in her world... The first time in my life I understood what other men meant by saying that one simply can not understand women.

I clearly wasn't the only one who had a crush on this girl. That cursed feeling when some one else made her laugh and I couldn't even cut into the conversation. I felt like razorblades made out of lightning inside my head. I had never been so jealous in my lifetime but this time... to tell the truth I wanted to kill this person who was enjoying the attention of the girl.

Well... the good news was that this guy didn't stand a chance with her.

But some one else had. Some one who managed to be faster than me. Still when I'm writing these words, this thing makes me scream inside my brain. It just felt so much bad... mankind just hasn't invented a word to describe the feeling.

So it was a rainy evening. We had this ceremonial for new students. All us who were new in university, had to go through different checkpoints and do certain tasks like eat a raw fish or.. eat some alcoholic jelly out of a condom and that kinds of stuff... The points were fun, but the evening had it's turn towards hell after all the checkpoints were through.

We all gathered into a certain place, middle of were the checkpoints had taken their place. There was this structure made out of stone. It was like a pit. We all gathered there and then one of the older studens read some decleration for accepting us new students as a part of student community. After that there was free homemade wine and everybody cheered and had the greatest time of their life.

And that's when I saw this girl

She was totally wasted with her friends and there was this one older guy with her, holding here. First I thought that he was just helping her to stay on her feet. But then... then he kissed her. That mother fucker kissed her right on her lips. And I saw it, I saw everything. It made me wanna shout and scream. This couldn't be happening now. From all days of my life this should have been one of the greatest. I just didn't care anymore. I left the party. Went home and didn't want to see anybody ever again.

Well my emotions eased up a little when I slept the booze off... I started to think that maybe one drunken kiss didn't mean anything. People kiss each others all the time when they are butt wasted, don't they?

For the rest of the year life went on sort of automation. Can't really recall much of that. I just studied, had some fun with friends... played on gigs (I'm in a band. forgot to tell you that, sorry!) and some times met with this girl and chatted for awhile. Then came the summer and everybody left the city to head home. I also went to the countryside. Spent my summer practically working, smoking, drinking and playing. There isn't actually so much to tell about that.. Here the summer's short and autumn comes early. Soon I already was packing my gear and headed back to city.

And it was a new semester once again. A bunch of new students came into university and I was a senior student already. Started to feel kinda old... My feelings toward the girl hadn't gone anywhere during the summer. Still my stomach turned upside down like I had met her for the first time in my life. Once again we chatted, caught up with each other. It all felt quite natural. I thought that maybe this all would turn out well... She didn't seem to be specially fonded to the guy, she was kissing a year ago.

So when the autumn went on. This year our student assiciation decided to have this autumn excursion. I tagged along and so did most of the students. We headed for some archipelago to travel through this wildlife-conservational island. It was really beautiful place with fresh autumn air. It was magical.

After travelling through the island we crossed the water back to shore and stayed there over the night. Once again when we got there, we had a student party. We celebrated like crazy and had a blast. But I had something else in my mind.

I had planned to ask the girl out on the trip. For whole day when we walked through the island I gathered strenght to ask this from the girl. At the evening, I finally had a little while alone with the girl. I was almost shaking... Addrenaline burned in my veins but I remaind determined and managed to ask if the girl would want to see me next week, maybe have lunch or something. She said yes.

But only, if we would go only as friends

I felt like my guts would have fallen through the earth. Every piece of hope I had managed to preserve since I saw this girl... Everything dissappeared like a moth into a flame. My life was ruined. I was ruined.

Can't recall what happened after that. Might have just sat outside whole night, stared into emptiness. Everything just felt worse than ever before in my whole lifetime. I felt like I had nothing to live for any more.

I still sometimes saw the girl occasionally. Once we even went together to flea market. Can't remember the reason though... and after that we went to have coffee. There she had a phone call. It was the man that I had seen kissing her a year ago. I sat silent for awhile after she had hung up the phone. Then I asked her:

"Do you and him umm... see each other?"

"Yes... yes we do. We have been dating for a year now"

"okay... good... good for you..."

After that well... I can't actually tell what I felt. It definitely wasn't something that I could have got over with. It wasn't a strong feeling but it was somehow... stubborn. Like a cage, so thing that you could bend the bars almost endlessly but still they wouldn't break. And you couldn't get out.

For some reason, my life stopped. I still studied, worked and played in band but... there was just no goal in my life. Everything was just... I don't know... something... stuff.. garbage what ever you want to call it. nothing felt remarkable. And this went on for at least couple of years. I practically just watched my life and times passing away. I was sort of a bystander in my whole life. Still we often saw and talked with the girl. Sometimes I tried not to talk to her for months. It didn't help. I even saw a psychiatrist. Didn't help either...

So, here I was. A young, foolish boy who couldn't see his feelings early enough. Couldn't open his mouth early enought and had to pay for that with everything. That's anyway how it felt... I couldn't get close to her but couldn't let go. A year after this when I saw her, she told me that they had got engaged. There was quite alot of people arounds us so of cours I smiled and complimented her. Still down inside i felt and thought:

"Am I truelly so horrible person that I deserve to have a hell upon the earth in my life?"

---

Some years passed on. I managed to stay alive... Then one day I was just walking outside, thinking some story to write down when my phone ringed. The girl called. We had not been in contact for awhile and had not agreed to meet or anything like that. She just called me. She was sobbing and at first hand it was hard to understand what she said. In the end I managed to caught up three words that make me almost drop my cellphone to the ground:

"we broke up"

We had not been in contact for awhile and I still was the first person to whom she called. We talked for awhile and I tried to listen her the best I could. She just didn't want to be alone and asked if I could come see her at the downtown.

I think you know how I responded.

When I first saw her she ran towards me and just... almost crushed me while hugging. My whole world turned upside down once again and my emotions were so high, even my ears began to ring. We staid there... just two people standing and hugging each other still for almost half an hour. She told me that their relationship had been just a huge prison to her for a long time. She wanted to find freedom with someone who was more open minded and not so serious. Then she looked into my eyes:

"someone like you"

Believe me or not, I some how managed to show her my playful, frisky side even despite all my previous feelings and anxiety towards her. We ended up spending rest of the day with each others. Just hanging around... wasting time... walking... and feeding the ducks at pond...

And when the day ended... I... well guess I just knew from all the feelings that I had gone through that she was the right one for me. That if I couldn't love her for the rest of my life, I couldn't love anyone. So while we were sitting at the pond, under the moonlight and stuff...

I asked if she would marry me.

...she answered "yes"