Dad

Dad

Dad, today I am emptying your closet. I have made the commitment of taking everything out of  your bedroom, however, every little thing is taking away a piece of my soul. I cannot believe that you are not here. I am still looking forward seeing you coming to my room letting me know that I have a phone call or getting home and finding you cooking for us with the kitchen towel on your shoulder. I cannot figure out what to throw away, because I think that you are still going to need it. But, do I have the right to do this? You cannot imagine how it hurts. When we get rid of the things of our loved ones, we are saying our last goodbye. Do you remember how hard it was to give away my mom's clothes? Yes, more than 6 moths had to pass for us to dare taking her stuff out of that white doors closet that you were sharing with her. It wasn't easy, remember? There were tears and smiles on the road but I did it, and I did it myself because you couldn't do it. In fact 12 years have passed already and it seems to me like it was yesterday. It happens to be me again. It is as hard as it was before, perhaps more because I am alone now. I am glancing around and I am amazed; every single thing is still in its place. And as I do this, I am looking carefully at every piece of your soul, but don't worry dad, you know that the real secrets are warily kept and there is no key to open them. It is very difficult to check every drawer in your room, every little box that you had, your memories; your pictures; your documents; the book marked on the last page you had read.

It is over! Today because of your absence, I quit on the wisdom and I seize the craziness that keeps me sound. Yes, you have gone to travel and do not want to come back. Your lips, vault of stone, have closed to me, but it consoles me to know that you are on a trip having a good time. You will never leave, in the same way that mom never left. Do you know that we still go shopping and spend some evenings together? She doesn't complain anymore, everything is fine. I would like to spend more time with her. I have to confess that I see her in the corners of the house and she travels often with me in the car. She is present during difficult times, with affectionate warnings and also on happy moments.  I cannot complain for lack of advices. I can still see her disapproving stare when I do things that she does not like, but she supports me anyway. Have you seen her already? You probably have. I am writing this to let you know that even though you are not here, you are and to ask you for forgiveness since I am giving away all your possessions. My brother asked me for some. I am going to return his graduation medal, he got it with great effort. Your smell still impregnates the room, it doesn't matter how many things I take out, you are still here. It keeps being your room, even if you are upset at me, even though your black and imperturbable eyes are unaware of my grief and you don't go to my room anymore.  Until I leave and we could get together again. See you soon dad, give my mother a kiss and tell her that tonight I will be waiting for her, as always, surrounded by stars and if you can, come with her, I forgot to give you the last kiss.