An Open Letter

An Open Letter to People That Are Overly Competitive

Dear People That Always Have to Win,
You know what I'm talking about. When you have to be better than everyone else, no matter the issue. You even have to win at such sublime activities as being more sleep deprived, more stressed, more everything. Your competitiveness extends beyond the aspects of life that one should be competitive about. Please stop. It's extremely annoying.
         "I'm so tired, I only got like six hours of sleep last night."
         "Hah, six? I WISH I got six. I didn't go to bed till like four, and got up at seven!"
         Congratulations. You are tired as well. I am sorry. Why did you make this a competition? Who cares who got more or less sleep? Does your punitive ego really need to be stroked so much that you have to one up how tired I am? Perhaps you should just commiserate with me, instead of yet again making the conversation about you.
         Perhaps these issues stem from a developmental problem of never feeling one is good enough, or always feeling like a disappointment. Though I am no psychiatrist, if someone always has to be the best at literally everything, even sleep deprivation, I would say something is amiss. The good news for all of you plagued by this affliction is that there is a cure, and a simple one at that!
         Accept into your life that the world does not revolve around you. Please believe me when I say that no one in this social group cares how you beat your entire family in poker this weekend. Your ski trip sounds awesome, but did you really have to include that you only went down black diamonds? That is neither impressive nor cool, and you just look like a douche. I believed you when you told me that you can shotgun a beer in five seconds; you really didn't need to prove it.
         I've come to the conclusion that you people have no idea that you are even doing it at this point. You stroll out of conversations happy with the outcome, thinking your unwilling victim enjoyed listening to your story as much as you enjoyed telling it. If you are super excited to share how well you did in your rec league ultimate Frisbee tournament, please know I am equally dreading hearing about it.
         Please don't think I just don't care about people's stories and activities. I think people just need to understand acceptable, non-douchey, ways to communicate. To this end, let us review basic polite forms of conversation:
         "My rec league Frisbee team won our tournament this weekend! It was awesome." See, now this is a great sentence. You bragged a little, but it was cordial, and you got your message across.
         "I carried my rec league Frisbee team to victory this weekend, catching 3 insane goals. You shoulda seen me man - I was easily the best player out there." Alright now - calm down (insert famous Frisbee player name here). You almost seem to be defending your value as a person based on your rec league ultimate performance, which is pretty unnecessary. No one said you weren't good at Frisbee; in fact it seems pretty obvious from your team's victory that you're good. This second method of telling the same story makes me like you so, so much less. You may think it impresses me or makes me jealous, but quite the opposite is true.
         Now here's another situation in which you might be tempted to brag: you beat me at (insert anything trivial here). Hypothetically this could be anything from amount of work done in a day to how much we ate for lunch.
         You might say: "Wow, bro, you couldn't even finish your chipotle burrito? That's pretty weak! I get mine double wrapped and stuffed, and still manage to finish every time." Come on now, did that even sound cool in your head? Let's try this again.
         "I see you couldn't finish your burrito, man, chipotle makes these things enormous! But that's why I love them." Wow, look at how much friendlier that is! Incredible.
         So next time you're tempted to brag like this, I just ask you to stop. Remind yourself every day that the world doesn't revolve around you. Tell your story, but don't elevate yourself constantly. Because, seriously, no one cares how little sleep you got or how good you are at ultimate Frisbee.