Until the Bell Rings; Act 1, Scenes 1+2

UNTIL THE BELL RINGS
a tragicomedy in two acts by Susan Mesler-Evans

Characters:
Allison King: Died in a hit-and-run in 2025. Was running away from home at the time. Serves as a straight man for the sheer insanity surrounding her. Shy and quiet at first, but quickly finds a place in the group and reveals just how sarcastic she can be. Finds her first-ever friends in Purgatory. Is eating a Lunchables and an apple out of a brown paper bag. About sixteen.

Sally McBride: Died in a school shooting in 1962. Doesn’t like talking about it much. Bright, bubbly, scatterbrained, and a bit of a ditz, but is smarter than she looks. Slightly bigoted, but genuinely means well. Has been in Purgatory the longest, and it’s starting to get to her. More than a little paranoid. Is eating PB&J out of an old lunchbox. About fifteen.

Bethany Lambert: Died in a prank-gone-wrong in 2013. Used to be the typical “nasty popular girl” when she was alive, but dying has knocked her down a few pegs. Brutally honest. Helps Allison adjust to being dead, despite not being too adjusted to it herself. The most concerned with not pissing off God, but not terribly worried about what the other humans think of her. Is eating fancy, store-bought sushi. About eighteen.

Nicholas “Nick” Preston: Died in a tornado in 1981. The most booksmart of the characters. Was a computer geek and enjoys fixing things. The most eager to find out what lies beyond Purgatory. Friendly and nice, but not someone you want mad at you. David is his best friend (though good luck getting either of them to admit it) or his worst enemy, depending on the day. Is eating instant Ramen. About sixteen.

David Carroll: Died in a car accident in 1995. The most confrontational of the group, and is getting the most demerits on his record. Was a juvenile delinquent when he was alive, to the surprise of absolutely nobody. Sarcastic and slow to get close to people. Hiding a past he’d much rather forget. Clashes with the girls fairly frequently. Is eating cold pizza and food he steals from the others. About seventeen.

Gabriel: God’s right-hand-man. His voice is only heard over the loudspeakers. Stern, strict, and the embodiment of every teacher you were ever scared of. He really doesn’t like David.

Ramiel: Lucifer’s right-hand-man. His voice is only heard over the loudspeakers. Not nearly as scary as Gabriel, but still a jerk and a general pain in the ass. He really likes David.

God and Lucifer: The fear of all the human characters. Never seen or heard from, but frequently discussed.

---

[SETTING: A little courtyard with a single lunch table in the middle of it. The place is clean, pretty, and perfect, and yet a prison nonetheless. Loudspeakers are on the walls around them.]

ACT ONE

[Scene begins in darkness. Then, a school bell rings, and lights go up to reveal ALLISON lying on the ground a few feet away from the lunch table, seemingly unconscious, a brown paper lunch bag by her side. The others, NICK, BETHANY, SALLY, and DAVID all sit at the lunch table, eating, and watching Allison. A few beats pass before Sally speaks.]

Sally: How do you suppose she bit it?

Bethany: The only way to find out is to ask her once she wakes up.

Sally: Still, never hurt to speculate, right? You know what I think?

David: (groaning) Not the nuclear war theory again...

Sally: It could happen! It’s been awhile since any of us were on Earth, you never know! We were practically on the cusp when I died.

Bethany: Sally, you died during the Cold War. As someone who died in 2013, I can assure you, I did not die because of a nuclear war.

[Allison begins to stir.]

Sally: Well, like I said, it’s been... How long has it been since you died, anyway?

Bethany: I stopped counting. Counting the years you’re stuck here just gets depressing after a while...

Nick: Wait, guys, she’s waking up.

Allison: (obviously tired and shaky as she begins to get to her feet) Wh-what happened? Where am I?

Nick: (completely matter-of-fact tone) Purgatory.

Allison: ...What?

Nick: You died, right?

Allison: No! I was just... I... (realization) Oh my God! Oh my God, I’m dead!

David: (deadpan) He doesn’t care.

Allison: OhmyGodohmyGodohmyGodohmyGod...

Sally: Don’t bother swearing to Him or cursing Him for attention. Tried it. Doesn’t work.

[Beat.]

Sally: So! How’d you die?

Bethany: Sally!

Sally: What?

Nick: Christ, the least you could do is ask her name first. (turns to Allison, clearly hoping to set an example) Hi there. What’s your name?

Allison: (clearly wondering what she’s gotten into) ...Allison.

Nick: I’m Nicholas, but no one called me that but my grandmother... I prefer Nick.

Sally: (impatient) I’m Sally, so, how’d you die?

[The others roll their eyes.]

Allison: (after a moment of contemplating) The last thing I remember... is stepping out into traffic to cross the street.

Bethany: That’s how the last person to leave died.

Allison: “Leave?”

Bethany: Well, Purgatory isn’t forever, right? You just wait here ‘til They decide whether you go to Heaven or Hell.

Allison: Purgatory is... lunch?

Nick: Only if you died in high school. Not sure where everyone else goes. They don’t tell you that.

Allison: (approaching them, now less hesitant) Who’s They?

Sally: The Big Guy Upstairs, the Big Guy Downstairs, and Their angels and demons.

Bethany: The Big Guys don’t bother with us much, since they’re, y’know, busy running the freaking world... but we have to deal with the demons and angels whenever someone gets judged, one way or the other.

Allison: Are they... friendly?

[At this, the group snorts.]

David: They’re assholes.

Allison: Even the angels?

David: Especially the angels.

Bethany: David, please. Not in front of the new girl... (turning back to Allison) Sometimes we can get them to explain something to us. So we know that this is Purgatory, all teenagers end up in this version, there’s no communication whatsoever with anything outside it, and there are countless copies of this version of Purgatory, so you only have five or six of us in a group--so somewhere in eternity, there are thousands--

Nick: (interjecting) Probably hundreds of thousands!

Bethany: Probably hundreds of thousands of lunch tables just like this one, with about five teenagers waiting to be judged. And as for the rest... we just don’t know.

Nick: Not a lot happens around here, to be honest. We can’t even leave this courtyard--well, unless we get called up to one of the angels’ offices. But even then, we can’t leave unless they give us permission, and we have to go straight there and straight back.

Allison: Why would you get called up?

Sally: Rule-breaking, insulting God, and just being annoying in general.

David: I’m called up there once or twice a year.

Allison: But mostly, we just wait here?

Sally: Uh-huh.

Allison: And They decide whether you go to Heaven or Hell, then come to collect?

Sally: That’s right.

Allison: (nervous) Do people... often go to Hell?

Nick: We haven’t had anyone in this group go in almost a century--though after a while, the days begin to run together. Time doesn’t mean much anymore.

Allison: Well... may I sit here?

David: Make yourself comfortable. It’s gonna be a long haul.

[Allison sits down. Lights go down.]

[Lights go up to reveal they’re all still sitting right where we left them, eating without saying much. A few beats pass before David wads up a bit of trash and throws it on the ground.]

Bethany: Aren’t you gonna pick that up?

David: Hm?

Bethany: The trash. Aren’t you gonna--

David: Why would I? I mean, this isn’t earth, I don’t think pollution is much of an issue.

Bethany: Yeah, but He’s watching, isn’t He?

Nick: What, the Big Guy Upstairs? Doubt it.

David: You said yourself, He’s too busy running the world.

Bethany: Still, I doubt littering is gonna look great on your permanent record.

David: See, I don’t think what we do here counts for anything. I think He’s already decided where we’re going, and we’re just here because He’s an asshole.

[The rest of the group sans Allison immediately shushes him at this.]

Sally: Dude, keep it down!

David: (feigning ignorance) Keep what down? Saying that he’s an asshole?

[The group shushes him again.]

David: Oh, come on, we’ve all been thinking it! I’ll be the one to say it. I’ll say it loud and clear! (shouts in the general direction of the loudspeakers) Hey, God! You’re a dick!

[At this, Nick grabs David and claps a hand over his mouth to keep him quiet.]

Nick: You’re gonna get yourself sent to Hell if you don’t watch your mouth. Now, repeat after me. “I will think before I speak and not insult any higher powers.”

[Beat.]

Nick: Lick my hand all you want, David, I’m not letting go until you agree to watch it.

[Beat.]

David: (annoyed and muffled) I will think before I speak and not insult any higher powers.

Nick: Do you promise to be good?

David: (nods)

Nick: Do you really?

David: (pauses, then shakes his head)

[Nick sighs and releases him.]

Nick: At least you’re--

David: (suddenly back to shouting) GOD’S A JERK!

Nick: ...Honest.

[The loudspeakers crackle and GABRIEL’S voice is heard. This surprises Allison, but no one else.]

Gabriel: David Carroll!

David: (bored tone) What?

Gabriel: You just added a year to your stay.

David: (in the same tone) Okay.

Gabriel: Now pick up the trash and watch yourself. And clean up your thoughts about Miss Bethany over there!

Bethany: (turning to David, offended) Excuse me?!

David: (offended for different reasons) Those are private!

[Bethany kicks David under the table.]

David: Ow! (to the loudspeakers) Doesn’t she get any years for violence?

Gabriel: No.

[The loudspeakers go off.]

Allison: ...Was... that... God?

[Everyone laughs.]

Sally: Like He has time to read David’s pervy mind. That’s the angels’ job.

Nick: That was Gabriel, who’s sort of His right-hand man.

Allison: So even what we think counts against us?

Nick: Yyyyep.

Allison: Great...

Bethany: (glaring at David) You are such a jackass.

David: You’re just in denial of your undying love for me. Pretty soon, you too, shall succumb to my boyish charms.

[Nick snorts, the girls groan and roll their eyes.]

David: Hey, ladies love me! Back when I was alive, I had an entire brigade of girls who were all over me.

Nick: And now you’re dead, so you don’t. Shut up and eat your pizza.

David: (muttering under his breath as he does so) “Eat your pizza, David...” “Stop thinking about Bethany, David...” “Don’t obsess over how Friends ended, David...”

Allison: (trying very hard not to laugh) You watched Friends?

Bethany: He is a total fanboy.

David: I am not! I am just... very emotionally invested in whether or not Chandler got with Monica. (gestures to Bethany) This bitch knows, but won’t tell me.

Bethany: (taunting) Maybe I know... maybe I don’t. Either way, you never will. You will spend the rest of eternity wondering whether they got married--

Allison: (butting in) Yes, they did, and they adopted twins.

David: YES!

Bethany: Dammit! (to Allison) Why’d you have to go and do that? His freakish obsession with that show is all I have to torment him with.

Nick: (to Sally) You following any of this?

Sally: Not. In. The slightest.

Nick: Good. Me neither.

Bethany: Don’t bother trying to follow the conversation, guys. Friends was stupid anyway.

[At this, David and Allison gasp like she just insulted everything they love. Which in David’s case is kind of true.]

David: We... are no longer friends.

Bethany: (dryly) Oh, rats.

Allison: I’m sorry, if you didn’t love those idiots and their insane love hexagon, you... you have no heart or soul.

Bethany: You’re ridiculous.

David: Says the girl that got weekly manicures when she was alive.

Bethany: Says the boy that spent all his cash on beer when he was alive.

David: (genuinely not understanding why this is supposed to be an insult) ...And?

[Bethany facedesks.]

Allison: Your nails do look excellent.

Bethany: For all the time I’ve been in here, they’ve never chipped. Not even when I go for David’s neck.

Nick: Can you even get hurt in here? I mean, we’re already dead--seems to me, there isn’t much left to do.

Sally: It hurts when I, like, stub my toe or something.

Nick: Yeah, but even when you were alive, it’s not like stubbing your toe would cause much damage. It’d just be kind of annoying. But I wonder if we could have any real permanent damage done to us?

Bethany: Oh my God, imagine if you broke your arm while you here and were just stuck with it that way for all eternity. That would suck.

Nick: Unless it healed up like it would on Earth. Or maybe one of the angels would come by and fix it.

David: (pulling out a comically large pocket knife) Let’s find out!

[Upon seeing the knife, everyone else reacts in fear while David just grins.]

Bethany: Why do you have a knife? WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE A KNIFE?!

Sally: Didn’t Gabriel take that away from you already?

David: Remember when I got called up to his office for saying Frank Sinatra is God?

Sally: Yeah.

David: Stole it off his desk. So, who wants to be the guinea pig in this little experiment?

Allison: Not it.

Sally: Pass.

Bethany: Not for nine million dollars.

[At this, everyone turns to look at Nick.]

Nick: ...No.

[David nods slowly, still grinning.]

Nick: No. No. I am saying no. This is me, saying no. Is this the face of a person saying yes? Is it? No, it isn’t, because I am saying no.

David: Hey, we’re already dead. How much worse can it get?

[He lunges for Nick. Nick tries to run away, but David eventually overpowers him and holds him against the table, getting ready to stab him. Just as he’s about to do it, Bethany intervenes. She is, to put it simply, way scarier than Gabriel could ever be.]

Bethany: Okay, both of you, stop this shit, right now! David, let Nick up.

David: But my experiment!

Bethany: Now.

[David does so, grumbling.]

Bethany: If we ever want to get out of here, we have to calm the hell down and try not to annoy God! And that means, no littering, no hitting, no cussing each other out, no inappropriate thoughts, and no, absolutely no stabbing! Are we clear?!

Everyone Else: Yes...

Bethany: Okay, good. Now, let’s all sit down and eat our lunch like normal people. Jesus Christ, it’s like herding cats...

[Everyone does so, keeping their distance from Bethany. A few beats pass in silence, before David promptly picks up his knife and stabs Nick in the stomach. Nick screams out in pain while Bethany immediately gets to her feet.]

Bethany: DAVID!

Nick: You stabbed me!

David: Oh, come on, we were all wondering!

Nick: You actually stabbed me!

Bethany: We have no idea what’s gonna happen! He could be stuck like that forever!

Nick: Guys, I think I need a doctor.

David: Oh, what’s the worst that could happen? It’s not like he can die again.

Nick: Guys, I’m beginning to get dizzy.

Bethany: You’re going to Hell. You realize that, right?

Nick: Guys?

David: It wouldn’t be Hell without you, Bethany.

Nick: Guys, I’m...

[Nick then passes out. The rest of the group stares at him for a few beats, Sally poking him with her spoon a couple times.]

Allison: ...Did we just kill someone in Purgatory?

Bethany: We didn’t. David did.

David: It was a team effort. Besides, he ain’t dead yet. I didn’t stab him that bad.

Bethany: Bad enough for him to pass out!

David: Aw, come on, it’s Nick. You can’t deny he’s a bit of a wimp.

Bethany: You stabbed him!

David: Yeah, but not enough to kill him.

Allison: Okay, can we all just focus on the fact that we have a man down, and not on the degree to which David stabbed him?

[The loudspeakers crackle.]

Gabriel: ...You stabbed him?!

Allison: Oh, finally, someone who has some sense! (towards the loudspeakers) We wanted to know if you could get hurt in Purgatory.

Gabriel: ...So you stabbed him?

Sally: As it turns out, the answer is yes.

Gabriel: Who would even have a knife in--David.

Sally: Yyyyyeah...

Gabriel: David, you and Nick come to my office.

David: And how exactly am I supposed to get his mortally wounded body to that altitude?

Gabriel: You should’ve thought of that before you stabbed him.

David: But--

Gabriel: David, if you and Nick aren’t in my office in the next five minutes, I swear to me, I will find some way to make that courtyard even more boring for you than it already is.

David: Fine, fine. (he leans down and manages to get Nick to lean against him and begins dragging him away) You put the barriers down yet?

Gabriel: Yes. And will someone throw away that knife?!

[The loudspeakers go off.]

[Lights go down.]