America's Most Feared Enemy

Just like any other day, you wake up and make your way downstairs, turning on the news. Images flash across the screen: footage of fighting in the Middle East, Ebola patients, and mass shootings. You stare nonchalantly at the screen as the footage plays, a normal indifference to these events covering up the small amount of pity you try to feel. All of a sudden, a headline catches your eyes: “America’s Most Feared Enemy: The Spider”. Your breath catches in your throat, and you can only just stop yourself from spitting out your coffee as the news reel plays. You wonder if the true threat to everyone has started. You take down notes as the reporter tells you the tips for dealing with these horrifying products of nature. Taping the list to your fridge, you switch off the news and head upstairs to continue getting for the day.

Suddenly, to your horrific dismay, you see a sight that makes your heart stop. A sight so terrible it makes even the greatest of beast cower in fear. You see America’s new worst enemy. You see a spider. A Common House Spider, one of the most feared species, to be exact. Recollection of the advice from the news surfacing to your brain, you push yourself out of your shell-shocked state and begin to take action. As advised, you begin to carry out the following steps:

1) Don't Show Fear. The enemy will act upon any expressed emotions, so it is vital to remain calm in this time of grave danger. Use a variety of techniques to hide your emotions, such as extreme hyperventilation, curling up into the fetal position, and not making eye contact. Keep doing this until the enemy begins to retreat.

2) Secure the area. Set your premises into lockdown to prevent any escape of the enemy. Draw blinds, shut doors, and turn off the lights. This prevents the enemy from escaping and will help ensure your victory in this life threatening battle.

3) Fire Off Your First Line of Defense. Using extreme stealth techniques, acquire your enemy target and approach as close to it as you can. Using a variety of long and short range weapons such as the soles of shoes, metal bats, and your handy MK-17, attack until you have no will left in you to attack. Do it for your children, your family, your coworkers, and most importantly for your dog.

4) Prevent Any Possible Resurrection. Acquire large amounts of harmful; substances such as salt, bleach, and mom’s week old split pea soup. Approaching the battlefield, soak each and every inch of possible enemy residue with these substances to ensure the utter and complete death of the enemy. Repeat this process again just to be safe.

5) Destroy All Evidence of battle. Bring out your final resources, and drench every inch of the battlefield with flammable liquid. Lay out a line of your favorite firecrackers, the one’s you got for Christmas from your grandmother last year. Light em’ up, and run out of there like your life depends on it. After all of the evidence of battle is roasting in a nice toasty fire, break out the marshmallows and make some s'mores over the burning battlefield. After all, you deserve it for your sacrifice in this war.

All of a sudden you stop. Your breath catches in your throat, and your eyes bulge out of your head. Is that what you think it is, out in the distance at the edge of your lawn chair? No, it can’t be, not after all this hard work you spent in belligerence today. Yet it is what you fear it is, another Common House Spider. You feel like you’re about to drop dead on the spot when you notice a few things. The spider is smaller, lighter in color, and carrying a white flag signaling surrender. All signs of panic leaving your body, you let out a suspiration, relaxing your muscles. You relax back into your lawn chair, holding out a hand for the spider to crawl onto. As it nestles up to your thumb you decide to name it Steve. It looks like a Steve to you. Gently petting Steve, you again rethink about today’s events. All of a sudden you snap your fist shut, crushing the little creature whose trust you gained. Sighing to yourself, you dispose of the arachnid’s remains, deciding you are too tired to repeat the whole process again. Ah well, there's always tomorrow.