Letter to a Man I Loved

I hate you.

The blissfulness of our slow beginning made me curious about you, about anything I may one day come to feel for you. I had never experienced something so kind, and gentle. To me, the ease of our relationship came from a mutual feeling of being hurt too many times before but finally finding peace in the other's energy. I was broken when you first met me, believe me my dear, I could tell you were too. I saw kindness in your smile though, so even if I wasn't sure, I agreed to our first date... And our second... And our third. Until finally I realized, I was too broken, too damaged and the fact I saw the same in you made me scared. I was scared to once again become engulfed in saving another man from his own self destruction; losing myself by pouring the light of my heart to fill the cracks made in yours. I did not hurt you and you did not damage me so I made a choice for us, I simply walked away. I knew there was nothing we could offer one another at that time but for some reason I knew, I would come to know you again.

My time apart from you was a mental and spiritual rehabilitation. I regained the light I had once lost and I felt secure enough to finally reach out to you; and without indifference, you accepted. Of course you knew, my walls were still up, high and strong but I feel you found my defensive streak challenging and everyone knows that if it's easy, it's not worth it. You wanted me in every way a man could want a woman but there was always something off. I always felt you were telling me only half of the story, you were only giving me half of you.

Nonetheless, regardless of what you said, my dear you were dating a writer. I found strength in the tone of your voice, I saw pain in your glare, in your smile I found faint hope, and in your walk I saw a worn fighter; in your laughter however, I heard a joy that seemed to have escaped you but found its way back with me. I took what I could from you and ultimately learned from you. Without even trying you taught me more things than anyone has been able to in such a short amount of time. That short time was worth it, those short months that Fall, were worth it.

You ruined us, you ruined the potential we once held. Granted I don't know if that potential was an allusion of an ignorant blissfulness but what I know for sure, you ruined us the moment you decided to go back to her. In all your confusion you knew I was the best for you but she held a spot in your heart that I could not touch, she was the other part of you. The way you asked for another chance from me made me carry a heavy heart because I cared so deeply for you and in the hurt of it all, I couldn't bare to lose you, not yet.

As the season changed and winter blew in, the warm embrace of your arms only felt like a trap to me. I was trapped in what I felt for you and what I knew to be the truth. You were never going to let her go, not then nor now but still I wanted you. Soon enough, you made a choice, to let me go from your embrace. And just like that, you took every short lived memory and feeling of us away from me.

I hate you for loving her.