The
Trouble With Ants
By
Kimarie Manhart-Freeman
Winter
is not a time for even thinking about ants. When we moved into our
current rental property high in the Pocono Mountains, the snows were
three feet high. The yard was a nuclear frozen winter, the inside of
the home had been unlived in for at least 6 months or more. We saw no
trace of anything remotely bug-ish.
With
the sudden spring melt that is known in the Poconos, the ants made
their instant and magical appearance….everywhere. Not just the
cute little picnic-type ones, but their muscle-bound jock older
brother types known as carpenter ants. They are worthy of the name
too. Sometimes I picture them wearing tool belts, sleeves rolled up
with a pack of Marlboros in one, Talking in a Jersey accent, ”You’s
guys seen da Queen? Man!, That broad is getting on my last nerve
:pronounced “noive” : Or lately, as Ninjas. They sneak in
quietly, and in a sudden death move, they pinch me on my nether parts
whilst sitting atop the commode.
Locating
the nest is the real bugger: pun intended:. Finding Bin Laden was a
piece of Baklava compared to located ant nests. But with the
commencement of Spring Break, the love-sick and horny things are
spreading their wings, procreating like irresponsible hippies. It’s
only a matter of time before they start using the laundry and raiding
the fridge.
I had
a nightmare that one of them was dressed like one of my sons, asking
for a ride to GameStop to get another video game. I chased it out and
ran to tell my sleeping husband, who was a giant ant. He rolled over
and looked at me with his mandibles clacking, antennae moving wildly
about, demanding me to “Give us a kiss Babe”. I woke up
with heart pounding. No sleep after that, So, I sat up in my recliner
till 3AM, holding my Ginger Ale and Crackers protectively, my feet
curled up about me. Then I felt it….the pinch. On the same
hand that was holding my Ginger Ale. I spilled it all over myself and
into the shower I went, where I found about 6 more waiting for me.
Such
moments remind me of a Bugs Bunny cartoon, where Elmer Fudd loses it
and runs screaming from Rabbittitis.
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Locating
them was easy…they’re everywhere. Today, they’re
in the clear glass Iight fixture in the bathroom, running in circles
within like a merry-go-round from bug hell.
I
have begun the process of Project Lockdown. Clothes in suitcases to
keep from getting my lady parts bitten, foodstuffs in Ziploc baggies
and Tupperware. My home looks like a kind of HAZMAT sight. Forget
“casual” dinners. I’m putting away leftovers before
they get cold.
The old folks remedies
don’t work.. “Oh, they won’t go near mint!. At our
old place, ants had their nests right in my mint bushes. Just the
same, I left fresh leaves along the ant trails here, but they arrived
with little glasses of Bourbon and began making Mint Juleps. “They
hate cinnamon!” Uh huh. I surrounded some ants on a floor tile
with cinnamon. I envisioned it working the same as a line of salt on
a witch, but no such luck. I’ve heard they cook ants in other
countries. In Thailand, they fry them with spices. I can open a fried
ant stand, offering ones covered in mint or cinnamon. They seem to be
okay with doing the all the prep for me. “Work smarter, Not
harder”, my Dad always said.
I know that Nature hates a
vacuum. I attached the hose extension, then I dropped some acid. No,
not the Jerry Garcia kind, The Boric Acid kind. So the vacuum’s
new guests won’t find their way out. Up they went, sucked up
like folks from a mid-west trailer park, into a dark, breezy limbo.
If you’d prefer a vacuum that uses bags, for ease of disposal,
be my guest. On the other hand, who wouldn’t like to see a
cyclone of frantic insects? Antie Em!
You don’t need a
product that “kills ants on contact.” Your shoe kills
ants on contact. Make the ants work for you. Use poison that acts in
a few hours that they share with the colony. Like when the United
States Army shared smallpox infected blankets with the Native
Americans they wanted to wipe out.
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Years
ago, I used powdered pyrethrins, derived from innocent chrysanthemum
flowers, to kill insects. It’s a powerful nerve toxin to them.
Dust the ants with it, and they’d convulse like they’re
at a club, and then die. It was supposed to be harmless to humans and
animals, but I haven’t found any for sale recently. Hmmm, I
found documentation of pyrethrins causing tremors, breathing
difficulty, cancers, and other problems, including one called,
“death”. Upon further investigation, Agent Orange was
made from the same stuff.
Oh
well. Alas, Poor Boric, You are my last hope. By the way, did you
know the original Silly Putty was made from Boric Acid and Wood Glue?
It’s true, and you can make it at home. Ants are now greeted
with a buffet filling in gaps where they once entered the inside of
my rental. I imagine a couple of Carpenter Ants saying, “Hey
Knucklehead! You just ate!”, “But Tony! It’s
free!”. After that it would seem a flame thrower is my final
solution. But knowing my luck, they’d arrive with my stolen
marshmallows and just laugh.
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