Princes??

          Life sucks. There's no point sugar-coating it. I feel obligated to warn others before embarking on this journey. When most girls were a kid, they watched princess movies and read romantic books, all of which have a magical, loving, decent gentleman prince saving the woman in distress. If they were like me as a child they probably thought, "One day, I'm going to have a prince and we're going to live happily ever after." Well, sadly, as I got older I realized that Prince Charming doesn't really exist. At least not where I was. So I figured, "Hey, what the hell? There's not really a point." And I delved deep into some messed up relationships. Now of course these relationships had their good moments and happy times of laughter and love. But it never lasted. Someone would say or do something and then a fight would break out, blahblahblah. End of story someone hears the words, "It's over." After I heard and said those words over and over again I decided that I would just give up. No relationships, no people. And this worked for a while. Sure I wasn't happy, in fact, I was nothing but angry. Angry at the world, angry at myself, angry at complete strangers. I had no boundaries or limitations of any kind. Meaning if you pissed me off, you better run or apologize real quickly. Anyway, as I was in this war with the universe, I had a tendency to shut people out. But one day...oh one day I noticed someone I had never bothered with. I'd seen them, heard them, probably even scowled at them, but I never took the time to talk to them and I'd been in the same room with them every day for about two years.
         So one day I'm sitting in this class (on one of my better days) and we were told to get into groups, groups that we would be in for the rest of the year. Initially I thought, "Oh dear god, why...why do I have to be here. I don't know any of these people in here but my sister." So you know...I followed my sister. She sat with one of her friends that happened to be in the same group as this person I had never noticed. Well you must be thinking, "Okay so who the hell is this person??" This person is Chris. Chris is a tall dude from my band class that I could only recognize for being loud and having long hair. Under the circumstances, I ended up sitting across from this Chris person for the next few months. Over those months I came to enjoy this Chris person and while my friends were saying he was annoying, I was just confused because I didn't think he was at all annoying. I didn't really see anything wrong with him, except for the fact that he was the only person I know to point out how incredibly awkward I am. There was another problem with me liking him as well; my vendetta against people in general, my strike against relationships. I found myself thinking, "Why, stupid woman, would you want your heart broken again? What is in it for you? Would you like more tears? Do you want to feel worse about yourself?" But it turns out that none of these concerns mattered anyway because Christopher had a girlfriend. A girlfriend that at the time he had been dating for a year.
         I had, amazingly enough, talked to this girl before they started dating. I enjoyed her personality, I mean, she was funny, adorable, and quiet. We weren't besties but I acknowledged her coolness.That being said, I didn't understand why I hated her so much when I found out they were dating. She's a cool person. After about six months of undeserved hatred, I stopped denying my feelings and admitted to myself that I was jealous. Of course, Chris didn't know that I was even remotely interested in him. Mostly because he wasn't interested in me. I wasn't important or anything, I was just in his group. Now, about six months after I realized my jealousy, it was time to start another school year. We have band camp in July and that was where I saw him again. During this next portion of the story I have to say a big thank you to Tyler. If not for Tyler and his car and his pool and his house, I would've never had the opportunity to actually talk to Chris. Anyway, during band camp, the three of us got lunch together a couple times, maybe three. This led to a whole group of us going to Tyler's house to swim or rant about people a whole lots during those two weeks after our day was over. It was during this time, that Christopher had started to act a little strange around me. Strange meaning he would sit on me, rub his butt on me, and share very close proximities in general. During this time we are also texting back and forth for long hours of the night. Now, eventually, he starts questioning if I "like anybody." Gentlemen, this is not a good way to sneakily see if a girl's into you. She's going catch on to it. So after much bantering, he decides to find out "20 Question Style" and eventually he did. He inquired, "Well...is it me??" And after minutes of me dying and being nervous I finally told him it was, in fact, him. You want to know what he says back? He laughs. LAUGHS. I hope that you've never been embarrassed like that because wow; I cringe thinking about it now. Anyway, naturally I told him to shut up because it wasn't funny to me. I was genuinely serious.
         Well....surprise, surprise, he didn't break up with his girlfriend. In fact, I was practically friendzoned. I'm probably the only girl on the planet that has ever been friendzoned. Anyway... flash forward about two months. September. Throughout those two months was basically just friend banter. He talked about how he felt about his girlfriend. He said something along the lines of "I just don't feel the same way as her." Yeah...okay. So in September he texts me saying that he broke up with her. He was asking me what to do and you would think I would hold up a giant neon sign that said, "'I'm Next. Me, Please." But I didn't. I said the most ridiculous thing you could possibly say just so I wouldn't sound desperate. I said, "Be by yourself for a while." Yes, instead of saying, "Who the hell have you been going to with your problems?" I said that he should be by himself... Now of course he didn't try to stay by himself. In fact, we had many a talks about how I still felt the same way about him and he never said he liked me back.
In the first week of October, he started to take up interest in this other girl. Just FYI... I really really really hate this girl. She's fake. So fake. Anyway, I found him leaving me to go talk to her and I watched them happily giggle as I wanted to barf or punch something. Then one night he texts me saying he likes me and all this stuff but that he has to choose between me and this other girl. I could clearly see that they weren't compatible at all. He then asked me who he should pick. And again, instead of holding up that damn neon sign, I went with, "I can't tell you that because I'm biased." What the hell is wrong with me?? I don't think I've ever seen anything like it. But anyhow, there's one day that he decides to invite me to ride the same bus as him. So, I leave my friends thinking that I'm going to be sitting next to him. Well I was wrong. I was sitting in the seat across from him and this girl. They were sitting to together, holding hands, he used her as a pillow. I mean... I was so pissed. Thinking, "Who the actual fuck does he think he is making me watch him cuddle with this girl. He knows how I feel. Fuck this." So I do the 100% mature, grown-up thing. I pretended I was asleep the whole way. I cried a little bit but I had a pillow to soak my tears. Shout out to pillows for soaking up tears. Later on I found out that that night, he asked her out. He had been talking to me for months and her for days. I was completely heartbroken. I was sick to my stomach. I cried and cried over a boy again. I ended up in the same position I was always in. But more than that...I was pissed AGAIN.
         But hey the next day he started cuddling up to me again because she rejected him. That's right. Had I been thinking clearly, I would have told him to fuck off but no. for some reason, I was just happy he was there. And when she tried to sit by him, he got snappy. So I was happy about that.
         Now it's time for my next shout out. Kiarra. My best friend and I guess wingman. While I was still upset and hesitant to talk to Chris, she talked to him for me and told him that I liked him a lot and he should really think about it. The funny thing is that he did. He told her that's all he had been doing. And the next week, he came to talk to me and my friends were following us around. They told me that he was going to ask me out and they wanted to catch the moment I guess.
         I think about it now and it just seems ridiculous to say yes to somebody that put me as their second choice again and again. Someone that made me think I was the dumbest person in the world. Someone that talked to me like his girlfriend for months and hen rejected me. Someone that made me feel more like shit in three months than anyone else had. But I did say yes. And I don't regret it. Because now, it's been eight months. Has it been the idealistic happily ever after? No. We fight. I recently found out that he's lied to me for all of these eight months. I've had my doubts. I've ad my concerns. I overdosed on some pain pills a few months ago and he didn't talk to me for a week. Is he the guy that I pictured myself with? No. But this has been the best eight months of my life and he couldn't be more perfect. Do I sound delusional? Reading over this, I think maybe I have a screw or two loose but it's honestly been the time of my life.
         Like I said, life really sucks. Prince Charming from those princess movies? He doesn't exist. Instead of getting Prince Charming you get something even better. Something real. Someone that, no matter what you do or say, is never going to say, "It's over." The fighting...oh the fighting will break your heart over and over and over again. But the same person that broke it will fix it. The same person that lied to me and made me his second choice? That same person, at the end of the day, is the only person I need. That other girl? We trash talk her together. I trust him more than anyone and he's killed me a thousand times. And I'm sure I've killed him. There's more than just one side to this story. He's not the bad guy. The true bad guy is me. I almost said, "It's over," because I felt less important. I still feel less important. I still feel neglected at times but I'm learning. I stay because he makes me unbelievably happy. And without him I would just be the same angry, miserable girl with the vendetta against relationships. I would give up completely if this went bad. This boy...this boy is just...unbelievable. There aren't enough words.
         If you feel or have felt like this then you understand. Love isn't always being kissy and sappy or unending romance. Love is hard. Love sucks. Love will make you feel the absolute lowest of lows and the highest of highs. There's nothing more confusing. There's nothing more aggravating, there's nothing on this planet that compares. And while I don't wish for any of the fights or heartbreak on anybody (but the other girl), I wish that everyone could experience their own "Oh shit," moment when you realize that you're in too deep this time. When you look at that person and strangely enough can't look away. You can't move on no matter how many times you can try. Because they're your person. They're your very own Prince or Princess. They are exactly what you need and all you could ever want.